Ch-ch-ch-ch changes

It's a shame there is no manual to reference when things go wacky. I'd certainly be thumbing through it right about now. I imagine "Restarting your life after 40" is somewhere between "How to handle your first mid-life crisis" and "What AARP really stands for".

The changes over the last two years are a little mind blowing, healthy, still mind blowing.

Two years ago I lost my aunt.

Two years ago I fell hopelessly in and out of love with someone half way across the world.

Two years ago I was barely a month away from losing my older brother, I just didn't know it.

Two years ago I started looking for a better way to live my life.

Two years ago Leo entered my life.

Two years ago I had been on this side of the water for only six months. I was adjusting to "country life" complete with well water, field mice, spiders galore, and dump runs.

Two years ago I had never imagined I'd own a horse.

Before moving to this side of the water I was a "city girl" through and through. I took mass transit. I was a regular at a local pub. I wore heels to work and actually applied make up on a daily basis. I had a cat. I lived for work. I was never separated from my Blackberry and firmly believed a ten hour day was slacking and vacations without work were for lesser people.

Seven hundred some odd days; two years.

I went and visited Pony Up Rescue this weekend and will be volunteering my Fridays doing whatever Rosemary needs me to do; I am very excited for that. Actually I am ecstatic (hard to tell here I know). I was so impressed with her; just listening to her speak of the horses.

Seven hundred and some odd days ago I'd have never imagined standing next to someone, inhaling the scents of a barn, and dreaming of doing the same one day.

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Who knew

Who knew today wasn't Friday? Apparently everyone except me!

I'd like to blame it on my recent abundance of time however I have been known get my days mixed up, abundance or not. Normally, I'd have figured it out before I blasted it to the world that I am a day ahead of myself.

We put up fencing today, along the backside of the yard and further down the side of the yard. There is also a make shift "Patch blocker" at the end of the drive, he is partial to the patch of grass that sits on a double ledge. Ten to twelve more t-posts and another spool of tape and the entire yard will be fenced in, the only stretch that is not is the stretch of blackberries so...for now it's looking pretty good. This allows the horses to wander the yard and the pasture at will without me hovering about watching Patch try to sneak to the very edge of the ledge.

I am thinking of doing some volunteer work at a local barn or even better a rescue. I can clean a stall like there is no tomorrow, I can de-tangle anything, I can feed like a pro, and oh my goodness you should see me handle turn out time! I'm not looking to get compensated with board, lessons, arena time, or with anything except the experience and exposure to other horses and people who share the same passion. No, I don't strive to make a living mucking stalls or turning out horses :-) I do however need to get out of the house for a bit and volunteering either for a local barn that needs help or a rescue in the area that needs help seems a damn fine way to spend some of this excess time. Maybe I'll do both.

I can't help but wonder how wise it is to keep myself so ummm concentrated (sounds better than isolated). I am not going to go into the why. I know it; no one else needs me waxing poetic about it. So volunteering is, in my humble opinion, a great idea.

How to break the "kids" of the new born feeding schedule is an entirely different situation! They are entirely too smart for their own good sometimes. Patch is a great example. We have that make shift "fence" (two lines of tape) blocking the drive so that he can not get to the dangerous spot. Today they were out in the yard and he moseyed his way up to the drive, meandered over to the end of the drive, looked at the "fence", turned around disgusted. He did this at least three times and once he trotted off as if he could not believe what the world was coming too!

Short of the fencing, the volunteer idea, and Patch prancing about cause we took away his special spot not much to speak of happened here today.

If you're reading this and you're in the Poulsbo area and you know of a barn or a rescue that isn't far far away and wouldn't mind a helping hand for nothing feel free to let me know! I am not sure how you go about offering up no strings attached free labor...I'll figure it out however any help is always appreciated :-)

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Light and Fluffy

I thought I'd talk a little about my new feeding practices since

1. It is Friday and I am crunching feed numbers
2. I have nothing profound to examine (I like to think I am profound)

I think I started about a month ago, I really have no sense of accurate time these days. In any case, I thought it was a stroke of genius when I cam up with it. Likely it is a result of me being bored but who cares it is better for them right?

So this is how feeding used to go. Up to the barn before work, two flakes a piece, check water, off to work. Come home after work, two flakes of hay, check water, prepare beet pulp, bring beet pulp down about 8, call it a night (for feeding).

This is how feeding works now...

Up to the barn after watching The New Adventures of Old Christine (it's on at 7am and I am addicted). Usually I go armed with four apple halves, say good morning, turn on lights and head to the hay room. In the hay room we (I) separate out four portions, Tex and Amber get about 8-10 pounds, Katie and Patch about 6-8. Amber and Patch get senior grain as well as hay.

Everyone goes out around 11am (weather permitting).

At about 1pm I head back to the hay room and gather four more portions. This one is less scientific in the figuring because they are fed outside and I can't control the pile jumping. I bring about 20 pounds with me, head to the arena area and start making four (well spaced) piles of hay, approximately five pounds a pile. Typically I am either crawling through the gate before someone notices there is even hay down there. When we first started they didn't notice me at all and then someone would see a pile a hay and wander down; seriously the first couple days it was almost like a game. Whoever discovered it first came down and sniffed each pile looking around as if food had magically appeared, it was almost always Patch or Tex that first noticed it. They have caught on though.

At about 5pm they all start heading in. In their stalls are four portions of hay, about the same size as breakfast.

At about 7pm I bring up beet pulp. Amber gets two cups everyone else only gets a cup cause they don't really need it but it gives them something in their bucket and it's nice and warm. I do not put molasses in it however, I often times shred some carrot in it. I also stick their vitamins in it.

At about 8:30 it's "lights out" in the barn. Before we turn lights off for the night I divide up four more piles, very light and fluffy piles. Tex and Amber probably get about 4 pounds whereas Katie and Patch usually only get about 3.

The pasture is nonexistent, for all real intents and purposes so grazing isn't a lot of fun for them the last couple months. This way their food is spaced over the entire day, which seems to make them happy. Of course it also means that feeding has become a lifestyle for me because through this idea the horses have seemingly learned how to tell time!

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Back to the future, part 2

Deciding to honor my talent for taking care has been a private decision; partly because I am still trying to convince myself that "taking care" is a talent. I'm struggling with "lot in life" vs "talent". "Lot in life" sounds suspiciously like a cross to bear and "talent" sounds a bit indulgent.

In any case I am running with it. In the animals I found a medium that doesn't punish that talent, why the hell would I walk away from that? Well for one care taking professions do not traditionally generate much of an income. Financially speaking it might even be considered stupid. The bitch of that is, I'm not money motivated. Don't get me wrong I don't want to be broke by any stretch of the imagination however dollar signs waving in the air don't motivate me to do much. When I have followed the money, I've ended up unhappy. When I've let the money happen, I've been happy. Simple when written, makes perfect when written, hell it's almost admirable when written. In practice, some people might say it's stupid.

I almost don't want to give voice to what I really want to do with the rest of this life, it seems so fragile an idea at the moment. I can barely touch it without fear of disturbing it. It's an odd sort of analogy however I am reminded a little of the moment Joshua was finally in my arms and we were alone deciding if in fact he was going to be saddled with a very young, very single mom for the rest of his life. The moment was so private, so horribly personal, had anyone been privy to it before I had come to accept this new life (mine not his) I might not have had the strength to believe in it.

It's a little like that now; slowly I am accepting the idea, slowly I am coming to terms with the decision that was made but still doesn't quite have a proper voice.

The ultimate goal is a free retirement facility for horses. It's a lofty goal. It's so lofty in fact that the plans on how to get there are a lot like a blackberry tangle. I don't want to rescue exactly, I want to provide a home for the older ones, the ones that don't have a "job" anymore, the ones that are ready to semi or fully retire.

People don't always have the means to support a horse that can do little more than hang out offering little more than the occasional walk trot. They are expensive and as they get older, more so. I see ads all the time, people giving away old horses for "companion" purposes, or ads for horses that are older and can only handle light riding. Even the rescues in the area could use a place that takes the horses that are beyond regular/full rehabilitation, if only to make room for the horses that are not. A quick search of craigslist before this post found six horses (in the immediate area) looking for homes where they can retire...

Of course, it is a lofty goal and one that refuses to turn me into a millionaire. With any luck, somewhere in the blackberry tangle is the key to making it work.

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Back to the future

It's interesting, with my island departure I've been granted this chance to decide what I want to do with my life. I suppose it's only interesting because at 35 I had thought the decision had long ago been made.

The last time I had to sit and decide what I wanted to do when I grew up I was 17 with a newborn and no real time alloted to figure it out. I believe that actually qualified as reaction rather than decision making action. I will give myself this, I was single minded through it.

This time is slightly different. This time I decided that time had to be alloted. This time there is no one standing there telling me my idea is crap. I love my father and looking back understand where he was coming from however the message was clear and followed me for a long time. Back then I dreamed of teaching little kids, preschool. Early childhood education.

The message followed me through the desire to foster HIV positive babies. The classes were attended, the property purchased, I was promptly reminded that it was foolish and required strength I didn't have. That one came from the "father" I had married so the heat was off my real dad. A poorly placed joke!

It's really no surprise that I ended up supporting software. Addressing someone else's problems. Toss in "managing" teams of customer care professionals, designers, and "web people" and even I can see the "care giving" theme. It got seriously warped in there though, it being my care giving nature. There were times when it was like a codependent wet dream. I'll leave it at that.

I've always felt inwardly apologetic for my desire to take care. I suppose it has something to do with that desire being mostly misdirected and/or given to causes that were undeserving. A lot of times it bit me right in my ass, eloquent right?

And so we're back to the original question, what to do with the rest of my life. At 42, do you finally honor this talent or do you warp it again to fit the world you've spent the last two decades in?

If I didn't know the answer to that question this post would have been full of poetic possibilities.

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The Captain is unsettled

Today I was cleaning Patch's stall, wondering how in the world he makes such a complete mess every single day when I noticed Leo sitting in the doorway. It's not unusual for him to follow me about the stall cleaning process however today's stance was slightly different. He was watching me the whole time, usually he is watching the horses. I didn't pay much attention to it until I remembered that he had done the same thing in Katie's stall except there he was huddled by my legs, even sitting in the middle of her (very neat) pile of well you know! Katie has an area in which she uses the restroom, she does not deviate from that area; she is a dream to clean up after.

In any case he was acting weird, has been all day. He's not bothered the horses, much, and he hasn't left my side pretty much all day.

What's really odd is that I just got back from the beet pulp run alone; Leo would not come with me to the barn. Normally if Leo hears the words barn or horse he is camped at the door.

I often wonder if I give them too much credit of course that is usually after I think something like "Hmmm I didn't hear any yelping so I know he didn't get hurt, I wonder if one of the horses said something mean to him".

Yes I know that my dog does not "talk". Yes I know the horses don't "talk" either. Both communicate though and they certainly communicate with each other.

Something went down in the pasture today that's for sure. That, by the way, sounds almost like a bad made for TV movie "Something went down in the pasture".

In any case I am pretty darned convinced that something occurred to unsettle the Captain. I'll have a dozen ideas and situations played out in my head by morning, none of which belong anywhere but in a children's series; The Book of Leo.

There are people who believe Leo to be scary, the mail lady is one of them. He's really kind of a chicken, he hides behind me when he is scared. If it's dark and we are doing stalls he will only go so far to the dump pile and then wait for you in the lit area. Maybe he's not scared, maybe he is really standing guard? Interesting point of view however I don't buy it.

When he's scared he doesn't go far and he keeps close eye on every little thing I do; this usually finds him literally at my feet. He has been like that all day and now doesn't want to go to his very own version of Disney Land. That all tells me something unsettled the little guy. We're gonna test this by returning once more to Disney Land to turn off lights, I am confident he will pass.

I'm pretty sure something happened with the horses during lunch time. I gave everyone lunch, watched them play musical hay piles for a bit then I was off to get ready to clean the stalls. This meant I had to thump my way through the mud, grab the wheelbarrow and my trusty fork and lug it up to Patch's stall. I wonder if my neighbors see me walking around in my silly rubber boats, half covered in mud, half covered in hay, wearing a pony tail so short that if I saw on someone else I'd make fun of it (in my head), dragging my coveted pink wheelbarrow, talking to either a dog, a horse, or myself? I certainly hope not.

Leo really didn't care what I was doing at this point, he was romping about like a bunny rabbit watching the horses play musical hay piles. I think it must be one of his favorite times of the day!

When I got to the barn I discovered that the wheelbarrow was half full so I pondered the best course of action. I ponder all the time these days, weighing every decision. Taking time to weigh every decision is new to me, I don't normally allow myself "time". I worry sometimes that I am taking this new found freedom a bit too far. I don't worry too much.

I decided that going up to Patch's stall with a half full wheelbarrow was not the best use of time and/or space in the wheelbarrow; if I went up there half full it meant two trips down the hill, through the mud, to grandma's dump pile I'd go.

Katie is crazy neat in her stall so I figured I'd fill up the second half of the wheelbarrow in her stall, dump it and head to the shelter.

About half way through Leo came and sat at Katie's stall gate. About three quarters of the way through Leo was sitting next to me, leaned up against my leg, looking suspiciously out of the barn and then at me. We went and checked to see if any bogey men were in the driveway a few times before I decided we'd had enough of this game. Leo parked it at my feet again except that when it did not produce the desired response he sat smack dab in the middle of the pile courtesy of Katie and did not seem interested in moving.

This continued up at Patch's stall then back down at the barn in Texas and Amber's stall.

I have managed to hurt my back somehow and spent the bulk of the afternoon on the couch propped up against pillows, Leo curled up next to me. I figured everything was fine until I went to go deliver beet pulp and Leo completely passed on coming to the barn.

I'm headed back up to turn out lights and we'll see if Leo passes for the second time. I'm convinced something went down in the pasture during lunch time that scared the Captain. There was no ruckus so I'm leaning toward a threat.

We'll see how he does; if he opts to stay inside maybe I'll ask Patch what happened, he sees everything. Of course that might fall into the "I give them too much credit" category!

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And off to work we go

Tex and I got a little work done after breakfast today! Yay! We didn't do much but we have to get out of this funk we have had going on the last month and a half (my god it's really been that long). It felt so very good to have some time with him. He's such a beautiful, beautiful horse. I've missed working with him.

I am often flabbergasted by amount of time that has passed since my island departure. I am equally flabbergasted by the affect it continues to have. It took me all of half an hour to decide that I could not go back to where I'd been for the last twelve or so years. It took me nearly all of December to wrap my head around the consequences of that decision. It's taken me clean into January to get a full nights sleep.

Over the last month and 21 days (not that I've counted) I've wondered what is wrong with the horses. There have been unsettled moments like the one I had at my first up close encounter with Logan's kick. I had been standing at her stall gate watching her eat, I patted her rump unexpectedly and she kicked out. I got thumped in the head with the gate rail. Logan kicked out a lot but I was not expecting it anymore than she was expecting a hand on her butt. It left me feeling shaky and unsettled.

Over the last month or so there have been moments when that sorta shaky trepidation took over. I don't like to admit it really because I have relationships with these guys. These aren't some strange horses that have just happened upon the property. However on a few occasions, maybe with a flick of ears by Patch or a side step I didn't expect from Tex, that feeling crept in and infected the moment.

I've looked to the horses for answers, as if something were "off" with them and that is what found me with these unsettling moments. I looked to see what could have changed in them. I looked to food, I looked to stall rearrangement, I looked to depth of bedding, I looked to every silly thing I could think of that could have shaken the ground for them.

I had not looked at the possibility that the ground that had shaken for them might very well be me.

Today when Tex and I went out to do a little work, and by a little I mean little! We started at a nice calm walk on the lunge line, we graduated to a soft lope (I am positive that is the wrong terminology but that's what it is in my head), we went back to a walk, repeat a couple times, we did a few whoas. We reversed and did the same thing. We ended by walking side by side around the arena area twice; just a slow walk, stop, walk, stop. I translate it poorly, in total we worked a mere fifteen or so minutes.

It was the best spent fifteen minutes in the last one month and 21 days.

I like to think I know these guys, and I especially like the moments that knowing them shines through.

I had forgotten that they too know me. Today Texas reminded me.

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Horsey scheme of things

I've been sitting here flipping back and forth between craigslist, dreamhorse, landsofamerica, and this empty post trying to figure a way to put to words where I think I figure into the horsey scheme of things.

I don't want to show; I'd rather watch someone else show a horse that lived with me then show myself, even if I had the talent and experience to do so.

I do think it'd be super cool to learn the art of reining. I'd also love to hop on Tex and know how to "play with cows". And oh to be fifteen and be able to jump Katie over fences...

All of that, as cool as it sounds, is secondary to me.

They have given me the freedom to care for another being without sacrifice. It is perhaps the greatest gift I have ever received. In the face of that learning to spin, for me, is secondary.

There are times when I think I ought to apologize for my preference; spotless water buckets over time in the arena. There are times when I am not sure whom I should apologize to, my horse friends who are actively riding or the horses that belong to the water buckets.

My talent, if there is such a thing where living, breathing, thinking beings are concerned, shines in caring for them.

That is where I fit into the horsey scheme of things; it probably is that simple.

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The Knights Who Say Neigh

I've spent the last two mornings following the horses about the pasture for a bit after they finish breakfast and head out to do what they do for the day; walk around, eat, play let's catch (insert horse's name), scare the dog, repeat. In walking around and watching them go about their morning I was able to see a side of them that I hadn't seen before.

There is an order to things out there and the communication between them is fascinating.

The morning starts with breakfast inside; this way I can monitor who is eating what and how much. Food monitoring has become my life ;-)

When we go outside for the day we (I) have a system, I have found that they too have a system.

Patch comes out first because he is in the shelter and also because he does not crowd the gate. We then go in a line; Amber comes out, Katie comes out, Texas then comes out.

Patch gets ready to come outside by reminding me that my fabulous gate idea might work great but it takes forever! He's not so much pushy as he is vocal; it's hard not to chuckle at him with his "uh uh uh oh oh oh". He sounds like an old cowboy in horse form! Once we're done with the gate he hovers about the walkway in front of the shelter, making his way down to the area behind the barn to let everyone know he is outside first yet again.

This starts the chorus in the barn. Amber has a pretty low voice and is at it the minute she sees Patch walk behind her. Katie keeps pretty quiet but keeps a steady eye on what I am up to. Texas offers up his version of "I'm ready"; whereas Patch sounds like an old cowboy Texas sounds like a young man that knows he is in charge. His voice is a little higher then Patch's but holds a bit more in the way of authority.

You'll usually find me walking for halters repeating "Hi (insert horse's name) are you ready to go outside?" followed by "ok guys come on we go in a line".

Amber comes out first, she ducks her head, we put the halter on, she glares at Leo and into the pasture we go. Patch will wander over to stand next to Amber which gives us a squeal even though she's glued to Patch most of the day! Patch scooches out of the way so Amber can stand vigil at the gate waiting for who's next, I think she secretly hopes it will be Tex instead of Katie.

Katie comes out second, it's the same routine with the halter (I'm short they all have to duck), Katie however has a few choice words for Leo every morning. She'll look at him, look at me, snort, repeat. Leo either hops as close to Katie as he dares to get or whimpers behind me; this usually depends on if he is wearing the handy dandy shock collar (we're in training). Once Katie gets into the pasture she scooches Amber out of the way with a "Don't make me kick you're lanky butt" look, enter a squeal from Amber and a bit of dancing from Patch. Katie is now standing vigil waiting for Tex.

Walking back to the barn I can hear Texas half snort half nicker; I think he and Patch understand my system better than the girls do. He really has to duck to get the halter on! He could also care less what the "damned dog" is doing. When Tex and I get to the gate he lifts his head a bit higher as he glances around as if to size up how he is going to get them organized.

Once inside Texas will herd everyone up to the walkway and out into the pasture they go :-). Leo usually goes a bit nutty because he figures it is his job to do the herding and here Tex is not only doing his job but doing it well!

The last few mornings we've (Leo and I) followed them into the pasture to watch them interact. Patch will venture off, Amber will follow Patch, Katie will notice and follow them, Texas will eventually follow up the rear. Truthfully Patch ends up venturing off when Texas decides Patch might be too close to the girls or a patch of grass and pushes him out of the way.

If someone gets too far off course Tex will push them back, if Amber gets too close to Tex Katie will swing her head & pin her ears, if Katie gets too close to Amber we get a squeal! Patch well he does his level best to be left alone and quietly eat. He's the king of scooching away!

When they notice that for some reason I am still wandering around following them they'll wander over. Usually to try and eat the crazy device I am holding in my hands; after all my hands are food delivery systems so...it's a fair assumption that maybe what I am holding now is food. If Patch notices me first Amber is almost guaranteed to follow and they will both visit for a second; just long enough to lose interest in what I am holding. If Katie or Texas notice the other two by me they come down but not to hang out and visit with everyone. Neither Katie or Texas believe in sharing time with the lady of the house.

Yesterday I went up around lunch time armed with four carrots. Patch saw me, I held up the carrots, pointed to a higher area, without a word he moved. He did a lot of glancing backward which I think caught Texas' attention. I managed to get a carrot to Patch before Texas decided that standing guard over my hand and said carrots was the thing to do. The girls knew damned well there was carrots or some kind of yumminess being passed out cause the boys were munching, there was a bit of hopping about and some ear pinning by the King.

The girls got their carrots after Tex and I had a discussion on sharing. I had the discussion, I think he got bored with not being handed the remaining two carrots and relented.

With each horse there is a unique voice; you just have to listen for it.

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Texas' vacation

I calculated the time off Tex and I have taken; it's been enough. I have to do something about that.

I'm home, I have no excuse. I will give myself this last month and a half. It's been everything from frustrating to paralyzing. Today while talking to yet another friend whom turned to me for explanation I said little then thought "one day I'll set the record straight". Immediately following came "really why?". Things are as settled now as they are ever going to get. Furthermore, "the record" doesn't mean a damn thing to anyone except me and I know what it is.

And back to Texas, I am home now. There is no reason for us not to be working, I think he is bored. Ok I'll fess up, I am bored. I think Tex (and everyone else) believes we have turned the farm into some kind of animal spa where food appears magically and all that is required is the occasional pose as I walk around following them with a camera.

Problem is I miss my big guy! I almost (Almost) climbed up on him this morning just to sit with him while he ate. I've done it before, he either thinks I am crazy and accepts it or truly doesn't care that I like to sit on him randomly. I did resist this morning.

I think I will call Sarah and ask her to give me some ideas for ground work exercises, heck I am home all day right? The worst of the winter weather has passed right?! Either way we're doing it cause we have to get back at it.

I could blame it on Tex being bored, which he may very well be, he does like to work. Fact is I am the one that is bored and the one jonesing for some focused time with Tex. Tex is pretty darned happy with this vacation he is having. He's pretty much in charge of things with Katie running a close second. He walks around quite regally pushing/guiding them this way or that way, unless of course he is distracted by a lovely patch of grass.

So I suppose today's message to myself is "OK enough, let's get back to work". Tex's message is "OK love vacation is over".

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Favorites, do I play them?

In order of importance there is no difference, there are only reason(s) why they share that importance. That thought danced around my head last night as I was doing our final feeding and closing of the day. We have a new feeding system that I think is brilliant, we'll have to discuss that later.

I have four horses, one dog, and a cat that live with me. I love them all right down to my toes. They all make my heart swell, my eyes sparkle, and my stomach drop if there is something amiss.

Last night as I was walking up to deliver lights out hay Patch came over to his "door", he must have heard the thump thump thump of my rubber boots hitting me in the back of my leg with every step (they don't really fit me). Once he spotted me carrying the trusty hay delivery bag he nodded his head once. As I got closer the nod turned into a nicker that sounds like "uh uh uh oh oh oh". I think it is one of the cutest sounds in all of the world. Right about the time I was bent over with my head on one side of the gate my feet on the other, Patch's cute little feet inches from my head, probably wondering why the hell I am forever crawling around half way underneath him, it struck me again how very much I love the old guy. It isn't like I walk around all day not knowing how much I care for them however there are times throughout the day when my love for them overwhelms the moment. Half way between Patch's gate/door, holding onto a bag of hay with one hand, the top bar with the other, ill-fitting rubber boots sinking deeper in the mud on one side, my eyes fascinated by Patch's dancing little feet on the other side, listening to his now impatient "uh uh uh oh oh oh" (hello let's move it lady), was one of those moments.

As I was walking back to the barn to shut off the lights and close the day I found myself wondering about "playing favorites". I have those moments with each one of them everyday; each moment just as precious as the next and each of them as different as they could be. In matter of importance there is no difference, the reasons behind the importance holds the only difference.

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Turning to wood

This morning I woke to my alarm, I have been turning it off for the last month and a half. It felt nice to be up and watch the sun break the cloud cover.

Today I was wondering why it is that the animals help me so much, why I learn so much just being in their presence. I think it is because I can not help but feel when I am around them. Actually I think there are many reasons, this is just one of them.

I remember writing a poem after my father died; in the poem I mentioned the constant laying of hands by others and feeling as if I were made out of wood.

I am not sure why the poem popped in my head, I lost it long ago. I found myself thinking back to other "tidal wave changes" and realized that for as long as I can remember turning to wood was the way I had always processed the "tidal wave changes". If I were to describe what it felt like to turn to wood I'd have to say it's like going mostly numb.

Funny there was also a poem about branches of a tree turning into each other which is probably the second best way to describe turning to wood. Folding into oneself to process whatever change was afoot.

I wonder why I lost those poems?

I suppose if I were to guess that I'd say that the unknown outcome scares me in those situations and the only way I can process the why's and what now's safely is to do it alone. God forbid there be judgement.

Perhaps that's why I lost those poems!

It's pretty easy to keep people in the dark about the whole thing too. I'm pretty quiet about how I feel normally so when I dive into myself to figure out what the hell happened very few really notice. I'd bet 75% of the people that know me have no idea that over the last two years I have spent a good year inside my head. Goodness I'd say less than 50% know that through the bad years with Joshua I was in my head far more than I was out.

I can't do that with the animals. It's such an honest relationship, there is no pretense, there is no guile; it is the very absence of judgement to cry into a horses mane.

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Listening to the ponies eat

It was a nice Sunday, sunny for the most part, light clear into 5pm, and warm enough to wear only a sweatshirt. It's hard to complain about that!

In thinking about what to write about tonight I was wondering when I was going to snap back into my old self, really it was more along the lines of if I would snap back to my old self and did I want to?

I figure there are changes in life that ripple through and cause small waves in who you are, shaping you like a piece of driftwood left on the beach to age. Then there are changes in life that follow a tidal wave, they break off that stubborn edge instead of just smoothing it out.

I've had my fair of life altering change, some forced and some I begged for. This change in direction is one of those tidal wave changes, I don't think I will ever be who I was "before". I don't think I want to.

This is not to say I have figured "it" out, I only tonight figured out that it was a tidal wave change. Standing in the barn with Dale listening to the ponies eat it struck me that I am different today. I don't recall exactly when it happened however I do know it happened before I was kicked off the island (if you will). A shift started right around the time I came to the farm, being kicked off the island simply stopped me from grinding the poor gears into oblivion!

It really was the push I needed to get off my duff and move away from yet another unhealthy situation that I had found myself in. I have been pushing unhealthy out of my life since my Aunt Cheryl passed away, or rather I became grossly aware of unhealthy when she passed away and begun to try. When my brother died, it was more of the same. It's all over so quickly, to spend it where your passion does not live seemed a huge waste all of a sudden. I would not have, however, walked away from where I was two months ago, it was (and is) too terrifying.

Listening to the ponies eat tonight, I knew a few things I didn't know this morning. It happens like that. Try listening to ponies eat, it clears your head, welcomes epiphany.

Tonight I knew I didn't want to snap back to the old me. I don't have the foggiest idea where the new me is headed and sometimes even I have a hard time recognizing her. Tonight though, I knew I was going to let her grow. Somewhere between rubbing Tex's teeth to make the squeaky noise and the final clink of a well cleaned bucket the decision was made to honor the new woman they were all showing me.

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My dainty lady has some fire

With the new door up on the shelter Amber is in the middle stall (Patch's old room). Katie is on the left of her and Tex on the right. If this were a perfect world the girls could be on the outside and Tex could be in the middle however...Tex is too big so the girls are stuck together.

I've become concerned about Amber's weight in the last week or so, I 'think' she may have lost some. I have that in quotes because I have a horrible eye when it comes to their weight. I always think someone is losing weight. In any case I want to keep a closer eye on her and control her intake a bit more because I am convinced she lost weight. I think her being up in the shelter stressed her out, she really didn't like it and was the first one to say "screw this, the tape isn't "hot" I am outta here" starting the great gate dilemma!

Amber is funny, she really is the sweetest thing ever. She will lay her head on your shoulder and just stand there while you stroke her face. She's just a sweetheart really. I say that all the time but it's really the best way to describe her; she's not much into the "antics" the others participate in, she tends to stand by the side and watch quietly.

That being said, she also doesn't much care for Katie being next to her. The other night, Friday, she had her butt right up against the gate and although I noticed her standing there and I even remarked on it I did not anticipate what Saturday morning would bring. Late Friday night, before I went to bed I heard a rather large noise however after standing outside and listening for about five minutes (Leo behind me fiercely protecting the path back into the house should anything be there) I disregarded it and went about going to bed.

When I went to the barn Saturday morning I saw what the big noise was! Amber had kicked up on her gate and lifted it right off the holder thingys on one side. She couldn't move the gate because of the way the chain was latched on the other side. I must have heard the one side hit the ground as she lifted it up, there was no further noise because she wasn't trying to break the gate down she was trying to kick Katie's big Quarter Horse Butt! I imagine Katie was over there sticking her tongue out at her or whispering "hey, Tex says Patch really wants me".

It's funny to watch the way they interact; funny in a charming, adorable, insightful way. Amber and Katie don't really have a dispute over who the boss mare is, that's Katie and everyone knows that. Amber does however get sick of the Princess with her pinned back ears and threats to bite, when she does there is typically a squeal and a kick out. It's not even that they don't like each other, they will eat together on occasion and graze together pretty happily as well. Every once in awhile Katie reminds Amber that she is the top dog and every once in awhile Amber squeals in case Katie forgot that she doesn't care! The boys have opinions for sure but the girls seemingly have conversations about theirs!

Oddly enough they have conversations with Captain Mouth too. The boys just lift their heads and perhaps offer a snort when Leo decides to voice his opinion. Amber and Katie will snort, threaten to chase, and last but not least attempt to kick when they have had enough of his opinion. Last night Leo was in Amber's stall sniffing about her feet and she must have had about enough of him for one day because up came her foot. Leo, thank the lord, is fast and scooted out of there. Having missed a hoof in the head by about an inch and a half he sat with his tail between his legs and his ears flat back, looking around as if to say "Holy Cow did you see what she tried to do!?". I often wonder if it's his speed or her good aim that keeps his head on.

She is such a sweetheart that it is easy to forget that even my dainty little lady has a bit of fire in her. She stands next to you all petite and lady like, her big brown eyes calm and trusting and it's easy to forget that she started the great gate dilemma, threatens to kill Leo once a week, and lifted her stall gate clean off the holder thinygs cause Katie was talking smack ;-)

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Patch's new door

We made progress on the shelter dilemma over the last two days! I say we as if I did the work, I just made suggestions really, the building was done by Dale. I'm not really sure what my "idea" would have turned out like had I been the one measuring!

In any case, the problems with the shelter plague me on a very regular basis.

1. There isn't a light inside the shelter (no power currently running to the actual stucture).

2. There is no way to keep them inside (we had no gate).

3. It's not attached to the barn

4. Mud

The reality of the shelter is:

Concern: There isn't a light inside the shelter (no power currently running to the actual stucture).

Reality: The shelter is a 10X24 structure covered completely on three sides, the front has an opening/door (8ft) and two windows. It is probably only 50ft to 60ft from the barn, there is a light on the side of the barn facing the shelter.

Concern: There is no way to keep them inside (we had no gate). This being the case anyone who was utilizing the shelter would, at some point, wander down and stand behind the barn looking lovingly inside at whomever was in there. I can not tell you how much this bothered me.

Reality: Noone would treat the shelter as a stall unless the shelter was treated as a stall. Unless the shelter had an actual gate or door it could never really be someone's "room". I firmly believe it is just as important for them to have a safe spot that is theirs as it is for us.

Concern: It's not attached to the barn.
Reality: It's not but 50 some odd feet from the barn.

Concern: Mud
Reality: There is no mud in the shelter. There is mud leading up to the shelter from the barn. It is Washington!

I can only do something about the two first concerns and only the second one without much, if any, money because....I had pallets and an idea!

My original idea was a gate out of the pallets however the absence of hinges forced a change of course. What we have now is a three piece sliding rail fence. It works great and it's wood!

It's a little tricky to get open and shut however it allows me to close it during the day when they are all outside. I'm home so I don't need to worry about them collectively needing it in case of rain. Progress in treating the shelter like a stall ;-)

Patch seems to like it up there, the girls tend to pace and Tex doesn't care for it either. With it closed like everyone else's door at night time and not being open to everyone during the day I am hoping we can settle into final spots once and for all. Patch can have the shelter, he seemed content last night, no pacing about, the bedding was not shoved to the side as if he had walked a hundred circles at night testing the "tape". Perhaps a door makes the difference?

Of course he did get confused this morning when it was time to go outside. I did the bottom rail first, then the middle, and started on the top. Before I got the top one moved he noticed the bottom two were gone ducked his head, I said "really Patch" he lifts his head up and bonked himself right on the nose. If you're standing next to him when something "gets him" like that you can all but hear him say "Holy Cow did you see what that (insert object he is not supposed to be investigating) did to me??" It was pretty darn funny really.

Maybe he'll enjoy a little peace in his new room. His stall in the barn is the midle one, he is the smallest (physically speaking of course) guy here, and it's a bit smaller than the end stalls. Being in the middle means someone is making faces at him one one side or the other. Yes, they do make faces at eachother. Patch can be there happily munching dinner and Katie might notice him move; up comes her head, back go her ears, and if she thinks she can get away with it she'll act as if she will be forced to bite his nose off if he takes one step closer to his gate! Tex bugs him too. Patch seemingly lets it roll off his back however I think my blanketed buddy might just like the idea of eating dinner and retiring for the with some relative peace (and a door)!

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Lucky, People Helping Horses

Lucky
DOB: 2003
Height: 15.3
Breed: Thoroughbred
Sex: Mare
Color: Bay
Training: Off-The-Track, plus an additional 2 years under saddle with People Helping Horses, has attended schooling shows with our trainer



Found at a trail head in Skagit County by people out for a trail ride, Lucky was taken in by the county who then asked PHH to step in. A gorgeous Thoroughbred mare, she was pregnant and had been shot in the head above her right eye. Lucky gave birth to her filly Charm at our facility and took a much needed maternity leave before going under saddle. Once she entered the training program, she quite literally took off, impressing everyone with her skill and dedication.  She is still with us and is progressing with every ride! She is gaining strength and endurance at all three gaits. She is a very sweet horse that is ready for her own loving family and home.

2010 - Fall Update

Lucky was successfully adopted to a wonderful home in August of 2010; unfortunately, due to an out-of-state move, Lucky was returned to PHH in October.  Lucky’s adopter wanted to say a few things regarding her in hopes of quickly finding her a new home:

In Amy’s words:

I just wanted to write some experiences that I had with Lucky and feel free to post it on the website so people can have more information about her.

Lucky is an amazing horse and only deserves the best. My first ride on her, we went through tall brush and water and walked through cow fields. She barely even looked at the cows. She loves to run through open pastures and through water! As long as you’re confident and show her it’s ok, she will do anything. I never felt nervous or scared on her. She’s always willing to try new obstacles. She is such a fast learner. Once she knows what you’re asking of her, she does it and tries her hardest to do her best. She loves to talk to you, especially at feeding time! Her favorite treats are carrots. I know she will excel as an excellent dressage horse and trail horse. She loves exploring new places.

Thanks again Gretchen and all of PHH staff for being understanding. I know you will be able to find Lucky a great home.

2010 4th Qtr Update:

Lucky is back at our facility and is continuing with her training program; she is ready to go to her new home!

Please visit PHH's Adoption page for more information on adopting Candy.

Information and images courtesy of People Helping Horses.

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Mocha, People Helping Horses

Mocha
DOB: 2006
Height: 14
Breed: Paint
Color: Brown / White
Training: One year under saddle












Mocha is an adorable paint mare that PHH acquired with plans to start a children’s riding program.  That program morphed into therapeutic riding and while Mocha is a great horse, she did not quite have the temperament required for such demanding work.  With 18 months of professional training, including cow work, this little mare is going to make someone special very happy!

Please visit PHH's Adoption page for more information on adopting Candy.

Information and images courtesy of People Helping Horses.

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Candy, People Helping Horses

Candy
DOB: 2005
Height:14.2
Breed: Quarter Horse
Sex: Mare
Color: Chestnut
Training: Over two years of professional training










Candy is a five year old QH mare that PHH acquired with plans to start a lesson program. That program morphed into therapeutic riding and while Candy is a great horse, she did not quite have the temperament required for such a calling. Candy has over two years of professional training. She has given lessons to beginners but she does need to be schooled by a more knowledgeable rider before making it her full-time job. In a nutshell, Candy is fun, slightly feisty, and a blast to be around!

2010 4th Qtr Update:
Candy is continuing to work in the PHH training program with both Western and English riding. She is ready and waiting to find her new home.

Please visit PHH's Adoption page for more information on adopting Candy.

Information and images courtesy of People Helping Horses.

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New design, new section

Ok so let's be honest, I did not come up with the design. I did however spend a great deal of time looking for templates that 1. were free 2. served my purposes 3. were fairly easy to edit. I found all that in the new template! I've had a bit of fun with it, however it does remind me that my technical web savvy is largely reliant on managing people who can take my, sometimes scattered, ideas and put them to the page! Having "managed" for so long I needed something easy.

In any case the most exciting piece of news is the addition of the Rescues section. In the rescues section you'll find information on adoptable rescue horses. All of the information on the horses, as well as the images, belong to the rescues. I am simply using the blog to spread the word, with the rescues permission. Full contact information for each rescue is also listed.

I have dreamt of "becoming a rescue", I'd love to specialize in the middle aged to older guys and gals that someone somewhere has decided isn't worth the cost of feed to bother with anymore; maybe they can't rope and ride like they did and they can't afford to keep them anymore etc etc etc. I have a special place in my heart for the older ones, I blame Patch.

I am however not in a position to make that dream come true, currently. I have a grand plan and eight years until I am fifty so I am not worried. That being said, I do want to do all I can and right now, as I sit here in life changing limbo, I can't do much more then talk about them here.

Maybe it will bring the rescues a bit of traffic, a bit of networking and maybe a horse or two is able to find a new home. It's a small contribution to a cause that deserves huge attention, it is however my contribution and progress is progress right?

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Lizzy, Pony Up Rescue

All information and images belong to Pony Up Rescue for Equines.

Lizzy

Lizzy is a 10 year old dark bay Thoroughbred mare that is about 16.0hh.
We are not sure if she is broke to ride since she was used as a broodmare
in her past. She came from the Enumclaw Auction kill pen and was expected
to go to slaughter before Pony Up Equine rescued her. She is not tattooed.
She’s a very sweet mare who loves to be groomed, and loved on. She has
good feet is healthy, and trailers well. She has no vices.

Please visit Pony Up Rescue's Adoption page for more information on adopting Lizzy.

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Jones, Pony Up Rescue

All information and images belong to Pony Up Rescue for Equines.

Jones

Jones is a Thoroughbred gelding that is around 16.1 - 16.2 hh high and about 13 years old. He is off the track and tattooed; although, unfortunately we cannot read the tattoo to determine his exact age. His legs are clean, and he has good feet. He is very well mannered, and his conformation is perfect. He is broke to ride and would make an awesome dressage/eventing horse or???. He is sensitive to the bit; although, before we got him he had never had his teeth floated and was in pain (the vet said he had never seen a horse's teeth so bad), he is now much better and his mouth is quiet with the bit. He lunges, loads, clips, bathes. An intermediate to experienced rider is recommended. Jones is gorgeous and needs a forever home that will love him.

Please visit Pony Up Rescue's Adoption page for more information on adopting Jones.

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Amber

In creating the new design I realized Amber is mentioned a lot but rarely is she the focus of a post. I suppose that's because she is so quiet. Whereas Katie is definitely a Princess, Amber is more a Duchess, my definition of one at least. When I imagine a Princess both Katie and Perris come to mind; they are the sweetest ponies ever however they have standards of which they have no problem expressing. When I imagine a Duchess I imagine a soft spoken lady that doesn't need to voice her opinion, not that she doesn't have one! If I were to give Amber a title I do believe it'd be Duchess.

This is certainly not to say she is always little miss perfectly quiet. She is a fan of walking through fences, she squeals better than anyone at the farm and I've seen her kick up a few times when she has had enough of the general silliniess. Mainly though she is sweet and quiet.

This morning in the snow she stood and watched as everyone investigated the snow. Patch was rolling, Katie was rolling, Tex was rolling, Leo was hopping from horse to horse (rolling is something Leo still finds fascinating), Amber stood by and just watched it. Often times I think she is thinking "thank you for the invite but you can have your silliness".

She's pretty content to hang out next to Patch and follow Texas around when Patch is busy.

She's also quite the mystery, she came from the auction. We don't really know much of anything about her except that someone dumped her off as if she were worth nothing anymore. It's a good example of great horses being disposed of haphazardly. She's well built, quiet in and out of the saddle, well behaved with other horses, an easy keeper, I'm not sure why they dumped her off like they did however it did find her here and for that I am grateful. I wish I knew more about her past however I suppose not knowing her past is miniscule considering I get to share her future.

I will have to make it a point to spend more time writing about her. She may be quiet and our stories may involve things like a great grooming session or an early morning hug however they are our stories.

It's funny there is a little bit of me in every one of them; rather I see a little bit of me in every one of them. With Amber it's the quiet me that sits on the couch and reads for hours or maybe the me that stands off to the side at a party observing instead of mingling about.

It's 11:14am and I think I am going to put my giant boots on and go tromp up to the barn and spy on the ponies playing in the snow, clean a stall or two and start lunch.

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Missing summer

It's snowing. It's been either rain, half frozen or, as we have now, snow. I do realize that it is only January however I would like to go on record: I am over winter!

It's gets old to be either crunching on top of the layers of mud or sinking into them, I'm pretty much over the frozen water buckets too. I have have a pile of broken buckets alongside the barn; a bucket tomb if you will. I know better than to kick them, I kick them anyway (not always), and they break. Yep, I am over winter.

I want to put the bareback pad on Tex and play. I wanna wander through our tiny little trail. I mostly wanna spend some one on one time with him cause he makes me feel absolutely perfect and there really is no better view.

I remember the first time I rode Texas, I felt like I was sitting on my very own walking couch. He was that comfortable and I was actually relaxed (that's something of a problem for me). I left Sarah's that day high as a kite let loose along the shore. I don't think I could have fallen any harder for him.

The funniest thing is we haven't "done" a lot, I don't have the experience to go play with cows (however I really think it'd be cool someday), or enter a local show (not really interested in shows), or anything like that. We've ridden at Sarah's and we've ridden at the farm, it's certainly a controlled area. That being said it is our area and even if it's just riding in circles in the "arena area" it's time with Tex, time working with Tex, time to better understand Tex, time to improve my riding. Tex can afford a break. I'd rather not have one, it's not quite at "riding a bike" for me yet. With the weather the ground is either frozen or muddy so to say we are currently limited in what we can do is stating the obvious! I miss it and can not wait for spring! I'd even settle for a three day string of nice weather. That being said...it is only January and this is Washington!

I suppose another point to consider is, having them here I do get plenty of time with them all, rain or shine, and I ought not complain. Winter, or rather the harsh weather, doesn't usually last long so we'll bank on that!

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Compressed bales

Today's big research project was two fold; compressed bales and Renegade Boots. I haven't done much with the "research Renegade boots" action item I have on my list of to-do's for the day however I have spent the better part of the morning looking at opinion after opinion on compressed hay bales.

I struggle with hay for a few reasons; storage I suppose is the biggest challenge for me, delivery comes next, stacking/handling of course is always an issue as well, price fluctuations...Consistency, as a result of the earlier mentioned problems, then becomes a problem!

I started using the compressed bales a couple weeks back, I have used them in the past however usually it's cause I am in a pinch and have to "run out and grab hay". I hate hate hate being in a "pinch" like that; I rather doubt I am alone there.

I like the compressed bales; it's easy to maneuver, priced about the same, saves tons of room (no pun intended) and generally makes my job a bit easier. The problem I continue to run into is how much to feed when dealing with compressed bales. Regular bales are a piece of cake, they flake off with ease and toss really well (come on admit it throwing hay is therapeutic!). The compressed bales flake off as well but the flakes seem so tiny that I have spent the last two weeks wondering if I am under feeding or over feeding; I can "feel" the weight of a regular flake with no problem and no longer second guess myself. I can not say the same for compressed bales.

Kate and I used to have a fish scale that we attached to my very handy "hay holder"; imagine a large piece of tarp with baling twine weaved through the top on either end than tied together to create a hay hammock of sorts. We'd weigh the hay using the scale and the hay hammock then off to feed we'd go. Somewhere between the summer months the handy fish scale got lost however the hammock managed to stay put so I decided yesterday to use the hay hammock to measure the compressed hay. I sat down and decompressed a flake that would normally serve as "breakfast". Much to my surprise and relief it felt just like a "normal" portion grabbed off a "normal" bale. Off I went to give Mr. Patch his breakfast :-)

This system of sitting on one bale, decompressing another bale and lugging the portion up to the pasture in the hay hammock seemed brilliant (still does). The horses seemed to loved it too; no longer was I plopping down an odd looking piece of hay cardboard in front of them! Admittedly it was somewhat entertaining to see Texas fling an entire flake about ten feet when I first brought them the compressed hay. I did however think it was unfair to up and change things on them considering the amount of change they've seen in the last month or so. All that being said, I now sit and decompress four bundles/flakes/portions at each feeding. Since I am home we've been feeding smaller portions more frequently. The problem with my oh so brilliant system is that it takes me about twice the time to feed now, Leo thinks the hay hammock is a super cool place to sit contributing to the time it takes, and I can only feed one at a time. No more four hay piles in the pasture at once...unless I make more hay hammocks ;-).

When everyone is in for the night and we are having dinner it's no problem at all because I can decompress, deliver the pile to the stall, repeat three times, bring the horses into the barn, put the last decompressed pile in the shelter and everyone is nice and tucked in! It's breakfast and lunch that need some work in the timing department.

This morning Patch was in the shelter, everyone else was in the barn and I was planning on feeding outside. First I brought Patch a decompressed pile inside the shelter in the hopes that he'd stay put. I went about decompressing and delivering out three more "breakfast portions" to the pasture. The first delivery brought Patch outside the shelter following me, he proceeded to munch on the new pile while I went for breakfast number three. I came out, he followed me to the next eating spot and started munching on that; to save time that happened on the forth delivery as well.

I kinda figured it was some sort of poetic justice that Patch was finally able to pile hop without anyone bothering him. He eats super slow so no one was in danger of Patch eating their breakfast up and it was kinda cute anyway.

Amber came out first and went to a pile, Patch moved and settled into a different spot. Katie came out, Patch gets pushed yet again, resettles. Texas came out and everyone got pushed out of their pile while he strutted about sniffing through all three before settling on one. I don't really know who ended up back in the shelter eating because I went inside, I imagine Patch finally went back there.

It's snowing here so everyone came back in and lunch, although it took me half an hour to get it together, was without pile hopping.

All in all I think I will stick to compressed bales. For the most part it seems the biggest problem people face with them is over or under feeding because the bales are so different then a normal bale. I am confident that my hay hammock will resolve that problem for me. Consistency can be wrapped up nicely too because I'm buying from the same place each time and not having to "shop" around. Delivery can be solved as well because in a pinch I can toss them into my car trunk (it's deceptively large). The convenience factor drops a little because I am breaking apart each meal for each horse however we're not in it for the convenience factor now are we?!

I suppose I could go do my due diligence on Renegade boots before I drift off into la-la land and tell you how cute Patch looked today hopping from pile to pile, or muse on how regal Texas looks as he walks into the pasture or even how Katie has taken to slinging her blanket to the side as much as Amber does.

The boots look amazing and were recommended by someone I admire so off to research...

Happy Monday!

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Schedules and cigarettes

It's a pretty lazy morning around here; everyone is inside cause it keeps spitting rain and/or snow depending the minute! Ahhh winter in the Pacific Northwest.

Patch is in the shelter and honestly I think he likes it. No one is reaching over trying to bite his face (he's usually in the middle stall) and he has tons of room. So far he is the only one that hangs out up there instead of sporadically wandering about the area.

He's a special guy, Patch that is. You'd really have to meet him to appreciate his personality, I don't think I could do him justice. He's funny, he's sweet, he's handsome, he's mischievous, he's smart, he's laid back, he's crabby faced a lot (it's an act), and he can be super stubborn. Those are all just adjectives though and don't do him any sort of justice. I've yet to figure out a way to properly describe a horse that in the summer will come right up to the open porch door and wait for a carrot, in the pasture will walk away from his food and stare at you until you move it to an area that is beyond everyone else's reach and/or glare, will try to sneak up the outside stairs, can stand stock still for two full minutes to express his disapproval before relenting....I could go on, still it just doesn't do the old guy justice. He's special and apparently the only one of the bunch savvy enough to realize he has the biggest stall at the farm :-)

Tomorrow we start our new schedule, you know the schedule that is still in my head! I need a schedule, the kids need a schedule and we don't have one. That being said, today's big to do list includes:

1. Cook turkey (started at 10:30am)
2. Clean stalls
3. Go get hay
4. Make a schedule for weekdays
5. Smoke my last pack of cigarettes

That last one is a tough one however in the soul searching last few days I have had to look at things that need not be a part of my life anymore, cigarettes, unfortunately, were right up there at the top. It's a shame cause part of me will seriously miss them for a long while. I'm gonna need that schedule to keep myself super busy. It wont be hard to be super busy but scheduled super busy is the only way for me ;-) Without a schedule I feel at odds; so what if it's taken me a month to figure out that I am still not comfortable without a schedule! Progress is progress and I vowed to allow myself to live the progress, not curse the speed!

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Not much horsin' around

It has been a couple days worth of number crunching and not a lot of playing with the ponies. I finally have a decent look at what I am looking at; jumble words much?

The limbo in which I have been living...dramatic much? Sorry it popped into my head ;-)

In any case, things are slowly wrapping up with my last position. I faxed over paperwork today that represents the last step, now I wait. True to form for me that meant, I prepare. It's a pretty scary thing to cut your income in half and start something crazy new all at the same time. However I have budgeted my way into May and although it will be tight, no one will go without and that's really the bottom line.

There simply is no way for me to go back to a position where I am supporting software, at any level. On top of that I am unwilling to commute; I am utterly burnt out where support is concerned, to continue that and spend twelve hours a day away from home? I can't. It really is that simple.

It only makes sense to me to utilize my experience to benefit something I love. Goodness knows I will make my living typing on a keyboard in some fashion, may as well bring back the passion for that instead of beating my head against the proverbial brick wall that software support became for me. I am sure that sounds negative however truth be told it is the only answer for me, it is that simple. I've wanted to do this for a long time and I likely never would have let myself; it's petrifying.

So I spent the last two days budgeting, figuring out everything from bedding schedules to groceries for the next four months. It's pretty much the only way I could figure on getting any sleep tonight! I now know that although it means there will be no frivolous spending (which sucks for the record) it also means everyone will be fine. I can stop dreaming of not being able to properly bed the stalls or get vitamins or farrier costs etc etc., which is a relief!

On the business front we have made contact with and have final paperwork to send into the makers of the Sore No More product line. I have decided to go ahead and take this slow, I'm certainly going to share the excitement as the contacts are made however the actual site isn't going to display any products that are not readily available for purchase. I think I would rather unveil when we have everything we need so it may be a bit longer than my well, my first "dreams" of instant fame! I can get ahead of myself, hence the budgeting four months in advance and realistic (obsessive) planning of everything.

The "kids" are all fine. Texas got his really super cute green blanket incredibly dirty (rolled in the mud) so he's sporting his handsome purple one. Patch is hopeless and has his blanket all dirty but nothing out of the ordinary. Amber is pretty stoked about being in the barn tonight and Katie is as cute as ever. Everyone is a probably little restless because the weather kinda blew here today, drizzly, and I used it as an excuse to obsess over budgets. Leo was a touch disappointed to and explained this by jumping up onto the end of the bed and then off the bed making noises I suspect only Leo makes; he did this for about five minutes. That my friends was the highlight of the afternoon!

I suppose it has been a boring couple days on the farm however the budgets are done, an important decision was made, and what I hope to be the final step in moving on has been made.

At the end of the day I can't complain, progress is progress and so long as everyone here is happy, healthy, and safe I'm going to allow myself to live that progress.

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Musical horses

So here is the dilemma...

Here at the farm, my little pieced together slice of heaven, we have "the farm house" which works out nicely for Leo and I, we have "the barn" which has three stalls (thanks to Kate, Lindsey, Gary, Kenneth, Cody, Joshua, etc), we have "the shelter" (thanks to Kate, Gary, Kenneth, Dale, Scotty, the grandkids and myself), and lastly we have the chicken coop which does not deserve quotes because, little did I know, chickens scare the crap out of me (it's a long story).

Normally in residence, normally being loosely used because in the short time I have been here the parade of animals has been pretty well...parade like! I am however going to focus on the dilemma at hand before we discuss the parade of animals.

Here at the farm we have Texas, Patch, Amber, and Katie. I am going to sidetrack a little and give you the inside scoop on each of them and what they mean; laying the ground work for "the dilemma".

Texas; when I think of Texas I often sigh. Texas is my big love. Texas makes my heart swell and worries me like very few can. I really have a hell of a time explaining how special Texas is to me. He is beautiful, strong, gentle, patient, impatient, demanding, goofy, loving and loyal all wrapped up in 15 some odd hands of chestnut glory. And those eyes...you can't look at Texas and not fall in love.

Patch; when I think of Patch I am reminded of a leathered cowboy, wise beyond his years and not to be fooled, or forced, by anyone. Patch is smart, he is beautiful with his spotted butt and freckled lips, he is stubborn, he is gentle as all get out, he is the most alert horse I've ever laid eyes on, and he is a quick little guy. He is also prone to doing exactly what he should not do and is the messiest little horse EVER. I adore Patch, admire Patch, and am fiercely protective where Patch is concerned. I am terribly proud of Patch and truly thankful for him every single time I look at him.

Amber; Amber is a sweetheart, that best describes her. I found her on craigslist when I was looking for a horse for my boyfriend (read a DAMNED FINE reason to look for a horse). Amber was at the auction when a lady brought her home. She put weight on her, worked with her a bit, got her feet taken care of and placed her on craigslist (read DAMNED FINE reason to buy said horse). She came to us needing a touch of weight, certainly not anything to speak of. She'll give you a hug, when you brush her tail she will rest her head on the stall and close her eyes, she has the softest eyes, a stubborn streak that rivals Patch and, again, is just an absolute sweetheart. She doesn't like Captain Mouth (Leo) all that much and isn't afraid to let him know, she can't keep her blanket on straight to save her life and although she loves Patch she secretly covets Texas. Amber is like the gentle daughter I never had.

Katie; I think of Katie and instantly "ahhh The Princess" comes to mind. She is unbelievably gorgeous, her face could melt a million stallions. She has the biggest brownest eyes, the cutest little ears and a back end that other mares probably dream of. Katie is also very smart, she wants badly to make you happy, she looks like a giant ant eater when she nuzzles something with her nose, and absolutely loves to be fussed over. She doesn't "think" she is a Princess, she knows it. She is absolutely not afraid to let the other horses know that she is not just any pony, she is "The Pony". She makes me wish I were not 40 some odd years old and had spent my childhood on horseback as opposed to skates.

So back to "the dilemma". The barn has three stalls, the shelter "could be" two but really it's one. There is no real way to separate the shelter into two stalls right now (read I have no extra gate) and there is really only one door (read redesign necessary to make it work). All that considered someone has to be in the shelter. The shelter is covered on three sides, nearly four, with an opening at one end and two windows on the front.

I feel horribly guilty when anyone has to stay in the shelter and not the barn. It's not uncomfortable, it's bedded, it's huge, it's dry, etc etc. A lot of work went into that shelter over the last six to eight months and honestly if it were connected to the barn it'd be deemed "Tex's room". Problem is it's not connected to the main barn so inevitably someone is up there by themselves. Keep in mind that I am clear on the fact that they are horses however I still drive myself crazy with "oh my goodness she/he is lonely, he/she feels left out, etc. etc.". I've been through the shelter guilt before, it's not really anything terribly new. I thought I could handle it and control my desire to turn the second half of the barn (read hay room) into a fourth stall...not so much

Tonight I decided that Patch and Amber could hang out in the shelter; it's pretty warm, they both easily fit in there, they have blankets, blah blah, no worries. I cleaned Tex's stall and the middle stall to get ready for Katie and Tex to come in; I did NOT clean the other stall on purpose (this was to serve as motivation to not chicken out and let the two of them stay in the shelter, they have before for the record). I cleaned the shelter then went about getting Texas in.

Tex gets to the gate without so much as a nod from me, as it turned out Amber also decided the gate was the place to be. I get Tex out and Amber sneaks out; she was right at his butt, Leo was hopping around like a retarded bunny and it wasn't worth the fight so I let Amber go hang out in the yard and figured I'd get the other three settled in.

I got Katie situated in the middle stall and eating, so far so good :-)

Patch is at this point looking at me like "umm REALLY?" I went and got the hay for Patch and Amber; Patch sees me headed away from the gate and figures he's eating down at the bottom (by the house) so off he goes (smart guy but obviously confused). Amber noticed I was up to something when I came down to get her carrying a lead rope and about twenty pounds of hay and perks right up. I didn't really need the lead rope cause the minute she figured out that "oh yeah dinner" she came up the hill and headed to the barn. Well much to her surprise Katie was there; being slower and carrying twenty pounds of hay she got there a few steps before me and was already playing kissing face with Katie. She must have heard me cause she left Katie, we went to the shelter together and I put her hay in the FAR corner and Patch's (he'd figured it out too and was back up top) in the corner nearest the door. They both went about eating beautifully so I went back to the house to discuss retarded bunny rabbits with Captain Mouth.

It was not five minutes later when I looked up at the barn and see Patch looking horribly dejected and confused cause Amber wasn't letting him back in the shelter to get his dinner. I am sure all she did was look at Patch and out the door he went. You don't have to chase him from his food, you simply have to imply it's possible and he walks away.

I headed back up, gestured to Patch with my arms (waved to the gate) and ended the evening with bringing him into the barn. He was pretty confused when he saw Katie in his "room" and played a little kissy face before I opened the gate and let him into the end stall.

Amber is in her "room" tonight and the dilemma will begin tomorrow when I try to convince myself once again the shelter is not torture! For tonight Patch is in Katie's stall, Katie is in Patch's stall and only Tex and Amber are where they "normally" are. Unless you count Leo, he is of course on the couch and shortly headed to "his room" (read my bed)!

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They are smarter than we know

So I've decided that not only are they more honest then most two leggers they are also a lot smarter then we know.

This last month has been a bit of a struggle to get back to me; my little world has been turned slightly upside down in case ya didn't know ;-) I don't do well with upside down, I make lists, I plan, I budget, I make more lists and then budget even further into the future...it's part of who I am. Rendering my lists moot...whew it doesn't go over well. In any case I haven't been my normal happy go lucky, let's play with the ponies self these days and I think they know it.

I think the only one who hasn't noticed how "odd" I am acting is Katie likely because she's been at Sarah's for goodness nearly a year, now that I think about it. We were approaching a year this March I believe.

My confidence took quite the hit and I am pretty sure they all noticed, my worry went through the roof and again I think they all noticed. Tex for example was completely normal for the first two weeks but the last couple weeks he's been a bit more demanding. Maybe demanding isn't the right word, he nudges me lately more then he has ever before, if I am near his stall. If he is outside he will come down to the pasture and stand right at the gate, hang his beautiful head over the gate and look at me as if trying to figure out where I went off to. He actually looks worried sometimes when he looks at me and if you knew Tex you'd know he has facial expressions that rival Leo. It bothers me that he looks worried, that causes me to worry a bit more and around it goes. It's like a bad Ferris Wheel ride:-)

Patch well he's been eyeballing me, yeah he does that. I get a lot of sidelong glances like "umm what's up?" and he challenges me more these days in his "oh yeah well what about this" way that Patch has. Today they were all outside and I opened the gate so they could come hang out in the yard; the grass finally thawed and they like it. There is this one spot right at the very top of the drive that has grass, Patch has ALWAYS thought it held grass better than anything in the yard; problem is this patch of grass is also right by a ledge that scares me so he is not allowed to be there. No one else bothers but if they are in the yard Patch will work his way slowly up there, looking around every once in awhile just in case...today was no different. I was cleaning his stall actually when I came out and there he was over by the ledge so I scooted him out of there (much to his chagrin), he went back to the yard and I went back to the stall. I check on them every couple of minutes when they are out and about; mostly I check on Patch, everyone else is pretty stoked to be wandering around to find themselves in trouble...So I stick my head out of the stall (I've worked my way to Katie's by now) and what do I see?? Patch trying to climb the stairs that lead right to the patch of grass he covets. Seriously?? Tex wouldn't go near the stairs, Amber sure wouldn't bother and Katie well she is not to be bothered with that kind of silliness. Still there is Patch one foot on the first step looking right at me as I walked out of the stall....He popped his head up quicker than Leo does when he thinks I have opened the fridge; the look on his face, talk about priceless. He turned right around and went about munching grass in the yard as if nothing had happened...

It was about half an hour later when I was placing dinner in the stalls, cleaning water buckets, and getting ready to pull everyone in. Patch figured it out before anyone else and headed right to his stall. He got in there and with a mouth full of hay looked at me over his gate as if to say "ummm maybe, just maybe, lady you need to get out of this funk". I like to think a "we miss our happy two legged buddy" was part of his look cause goodness knows I miss their happy two legged buddy!

It's funny that they all know so well that things are a little off; Tex looks at me with his big beautiful eyes and I remember that it's not all about me, Patch well he demands the focus that he has come to know by trying to sneak up the stairs, and Amber well she tears the fence down reminding me that things aren't quite what they used to be and she's not sure why. Katie, god bless her, has been an angel through this time.

It's about 7pm and we are about half an hour away from Beet Pulp time. Tonight I think I will sit in the barn, brush a tail or two and remember who I am.

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Leo...

I was gonna write about Amber and her ability to remove the fencing that my boyfriend and I put up but I'm still a little irritated with my sweet girl to write on that tonight...so I thought I'd take a minute to pay homage to my buddy Leo.

Leo is truly one of a kind; he watches me, watches the horses, yells (barks) at anything living that dares not listen to me (he thinks he is the enforcer), sleeps at my feet, and generally goes everywhere with me. I've thought about maybe getting him a little vest so I can REALLY take him everywhere but honestly I don't think Leo's idea of his job translates well into "Service dog".

Leo sometimes thinks he is a horse, he's been known to steal hay and will eat about anything the horses will however ONLY IF he sees them eating it first; apples, horse treats, carrots, hay... He won't touch a fruit or veggie if I'm eating it but god forbid Tex gets an apple. Today Tex got an apple; Leo stood right below him trying to catch scraps. Leo now has "Apple gunk" stuck in his hair. I believe a bath is in Leo's immediate future.

Through this last month Leo has once again proven to be my savior, sensing something was wrong with me he's been pretty much glued to my side. Last night we were watching TV, ok I was watching TV and he was curled up next to me sleeping on and off. At one point he lifted his head, looked me dead in the eye, sighed and put his head on my lap as if to say "It's ok mom, it's all gonna be ok". Funny thing is, I believed him and we called it a night without the usual worry that has been following me this last month.

Is it strange to be so grateful for an animal? Aren't they the ones that are supposed to be grateful? Funny when you think of it; he doesn't talk, he bounces around, has ate my sheets (yes my sheets), my favorite bra, and scared me to death so many times messing around in the pasture. Still that dog is the best medicine ever; last night when he laid he head in my lap and went soundly to sleep I was reminded of the love I felt when Joshua was tiny and rocking him to sleep was the best part of my day.

Today when Amber broke the fence, yes I know I said I wasn't going to write about it cause I am honestly a little irritated with the situation...However the minute it happened and I said "Amber no no" here comes Leo charging up the drive to "yell" at Amber. Keep in mind Amber could have cared less about Leo's opinion, she is all too used to the irritating little dog that barks whenever "no no (insert horses name)" comes out of my mouth.

It is however pretty funny to watch, he circles whomever is in trouble, barks, looks at me, repeat. They really really don't care but Leo sincerely thinks he is helping. Oddly enough the only one that he is unwilling to "police" is the Princess. He's tried, she pins her cute little ears and snorts at him and he seems to understand that Katie doesn't care about his "job".

Well I let this post sit over night because I wasn't quite sure where or how to end it and now it's morning. The horses are happily munching away, water buckets are warm again (god love winter) and Captain Leo is at my side making sure I am securely in my chair. All is well at the farm...

I guess I found my ending for this post, it's fence fixing day which means the following...

1. Leo will circle me as I attempt to re-hookup the fence
2. Texas will nudge me in the ass as I bend over at least once
3. Katie will act throughly bored with my activities
4. Patch will curiously watch from the sidelines cause Tex won't let him near me
5. Amber will stick by Patch as if to tell him "See I did this all for you!"

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The question of the day

I was up at the barn cleaning stalls, pondering, musing, thinking; it's what I do! As I was cleaning the stalls and trying to figure out how to convince Patch that the shelter was a good idea tonight I remembered a good friend of mine relaying what someone else had said about her and myself; they claimed that we "spoiled/babied" our horses. I knew it came into my mind because I was standing there shoveling horse shit trying to convince myself that Patch would be fine in the shelter for one night; I wanted some one on one time with Amber...

Now the shelter isn't just a loafing shed, it's four sided, completely bedded, gated (taped) off. It's a rather large "stall" that is honestly in better shape then the barn considering all the work that went into building it up from a "shelter" into a "stall". There is absolutely no reason why anyone would be uncomfortable in there, still I feel guilty cause whomever is up there is relatively alone considering the "main" barn is not connected.

Repeating that over and over convinced me that Patch would be fine, so long as he didn't worry of course. We can't have the old guy worrying, if I saw signs of worry we'd let Amber go back up there and bring Patch back to the main barn. Decision made right?

Well this is how it went....

I went to the bottom gate, the top is blocked cause there is mud and we can't have them walking through mud can we?! So I go to the bottom and go about bringing everyone in for the night. Patch sees me first and knows what's up; he's at the gate looking as handsome as always and the guilt starts...I'm thinking "Damn it he knows what time it is and he's gonna be disappointed". Right about then Texas sees me, Tex is always first so down the hill he comes to push Patch out of the way. Then comes Katie she's second and she knows it. Amber stands up toward the top of the hill and watches, she's seen this before. Patch scatters away and as he does I glance down, there is blood on his foot, right above his hoof. There isn't a lot mind you but it's there.

So I halter Tex and get him ready to come in, Katie inches her nose to his butt (just in case he forgot she was SUPER IMPORTANT TOO), Tex glares at her and snorts a bit at me as if to tell me "Ummm we've discussed this!". With Tex in the barn and munching away happily I head back down debating what to do. I have to look at Patch's foot and while there is light up at the shelter the barn is better lit so he can't go up there tonight, I really want to spend some time with Amber tonight in the barn, Tex can't be up there cause well cause he's Tex, hmmm maybe Katie? Katie is our little princess (Sarah and Missy can attest to Katie's Princess status)...will she be ok? The decision was not an easy one but I thought ok...let's see if Katie will cooperate and head up to the shelter. She of course trots her cute little self up there no problem; eating away, all is well.

I grab Patch and he's safe and sound, so far so good.

Now to deal with the girls....

Amber is eyeballing Katie who is in her "house" and refusing to leave. Katie is sticking her head out the window threatening to bite Amber right in the butt. It took me five minutes to convince Amber that it was ok to come with me to the barn; Katie was not stealing her house...

I walk back to the house to check Beet Pulp (Patch needs it and everyone else well loves it so everyone gets a little); as I am walking back to the house the girls realize what has just happened and boy oh boy is the Princess Pissed!

There will be no "house" for mom, Katie is upset. So I walked up and talked to her a bit reminding her that she is fine, there is no cause for worry. Pet her, stroke her mane, finally getting her blanket back on. She's fine now; not that she wasn't fine before :-) In my mind though...

So, the question of the day is this....Spoiled or well loved? I hate the term "Spoiled" when applied to animals or people; milk spoils, vegetables spoil, meat spoils. How can a person or an animal "Spoil"?! It really makes very little sense to me.

I love each of them so very much; Katie, Tex, Patch, Amber and of course Leo. I would probably eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a year rather than see them suffer (note I did not say Top Ramen, that stuff is poison!). Does that mean they are spoiled? I don't think so.

They did not ask to come live with me; I asked that of them. How can I, or anyone, in good conscience not provide the best possible care when you look at it like that?

Spoiled...nope; well loved...you bet!

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Barefoot and Bitless

It's been months since I posted and the changes have been great, in that they have been huge! I think I will start by introducing Barefoot and Bitless since the blog will be an inside look at building what is my future!

Barefoot and Bitless came to life as one of my many titles was put to rest. I can't say that I voluntarily put the title to rest however I can say losing the title was and is to date the best thing that has happened to me. I spent a lot of time pondering the risk. I could travel across the water and make a two hour commute part of my life once again; spending 12 hours a day away from the ponies and Leo sure didn't sound appealing or very feasible unless I hired out the care of those that I loved! Life changing decisions aren't my favorite but since this one had been made for me I thought I'd better take advantage and serve what I loved as opposed to once again serving someone else's love. With that thought Barefoot and Bitless came to life!

Our intent is to provide the local farms with every possible Equine need out there at a price that doesn't destroy our horsey budgets and with service that has long since been gone in the world of "retail". We're offering everything from bedding to fly spray to lead ropes! We'll provide delivery and personalized service to the horses of the area and we (being me) are VERY EXCITED about the prospect. I've been busy developing relationships with manufactures, playing with horse treats, gathering licenses, and doing some heavy duty praying to the Equine Gods everywhere!

I figure the official launch is a few weeks away but since it's the NEW YEAR and this new venture is well on it's way I wanted to take a minute to introduce Barefoot and Bitless to everyone!

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