Listening to the ponies eat

It was a nice Sunday, sunny for the most part, light clear into 5pm, and warm enough to wear only a sweatshirt. It's hard to complain about that!

In thinking about what to write about tonight I was wondering when I was going to snap back into my old self, really it was more along the lines of if I would snap back to my old self and did I want to?

I figure there are changes in life that ripple through and cause small waves in who you are, shaping you like a piece of driftwood left on the beach to age. Then there are changes in life that follow a tidal wave, they break off that stubborn edge instead of just smoothing it out.

I've had my fair of life altering change, some forced and some I begged for. This change in direction is one of those tidal wave changes, I don't think I will ever be who I was "before". I don't think I want to.

This is not to say I have figured "it" out, I only tonight figured out that it was a tidal wave change. Standing in the barn with Dale listening to the ponies eat it struck me that I am different today. I don't recall exactly when it happened however I do know it happened before I was kicked off the island (if you will). A shift started right around the time I came to the farm, being kicked off the island simply stopped me from grinding the poor gears into oblivion!

It really was the push I needed to get off my duff and move away from yet another unhealthy situation that I had found myself in. I have been pushing unhealthy out of my life since my Aunt Cheryl passed away, or rather I became grossly aware of unhealthy when she passed away and begun to try. When my brother died, it was more of the same. It's all over so quickly, to spend it where your passion does not live seemed a huge waste all of a sudden. I would not have, however, walked away from where I was two months ago, it was (and is) too terrifying.

Listening to the ponies eat tonight, I knew a few things I didn't know this morning. It happens like that. Try listening to ponies eat, it clears your head, welcomes epiphany.

Tonight I knew I didn't want to snap back to the old me. I don't have the foggiest idea where the new me is headed and sometimes even I have a hard time recognizing her. Tonight though, I knew I was going to let her grow. Somewhere between rubbing Tex's teeth to make the squeaky noise and the final clink of a well cleaned bucket the decision was made to honor the new woman they were all showing me.

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