Driving home the other night I was thinking about decisions, how and why we make them; it hit me that I make them according to title which brought to mind just how many titles I have. I am a daughter, a sister, a mom, a grandmother, an aunt, a friend, a "manager/director", and most recently a horse owner.
I've been a mom for over half of my life (I just did the math, it works out to be 59.523809523809526%), most every decision I've ever made has centered around being a "mom". Joshua is nearly 25 (Aug 2nd 2010), over the last few years I've had to come to terms with making decisions that did not center around my "mom" title/hat. I did manage to bring in a few distractions so that I didn't have to let go of that "mom" idea I had in my head; taking in "stray people" to take care of, a desperate move to hang onto the need to care for someone other than myself. The last "stray" person taught me a huge lesson; sometimes "no" does not equal selfish and guilt is no reason to say "yes".
In the last two years or so my life has changed more than I could have ever imagined and yet some core things are still the same. I still work in a profession that is care taking, I still obsess over the right thing to do for Joshua, I still hurt over the why behind the direction he has taken, I still give my work far too much weight, and I still spend the bulk of my time caring for other beings.
The difference, however great, is not terribly visible to most people in my everyday life. Today I do recognize that I am worth taking care of and make a very concerted effort to pay attention to myself. I no longer care for things, living or otherwise, because someone somewhere convinced me that everything and one is more worthy of that care than myself, regardless of title ;-).
That last sentence sums up the change within me over the last few years quite nicely.
The animals have helped me get here; this is really as much about them as it is about me. It all started with Leo, my very best friend in all of the world. He is a beautiful Chow/Lab/Pit mix that I have had since he was a tiny baby. One of my dear friends badgered me for a good year to get a dog, I suppose I have her to thank as well! Leo has brought me comfort like nothing else, when I am sad he is there to sit with me, when I am happy he is there to run with me, when I am doing chores he is right there to get under my feet! We go everywhere possible together and he is really one of the best things that has ever come into my life; I am honored to be his "mom". Not to worry, this blog isn't about the dog! It's about a journey, a journey the animals in my life continue to help me through.
Going bitless solved these issues
2 months ago
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