Back to the future

It's interesting, with my island departure I've been granted this chance to decide what I want to do with my life. I suppose it's only interesting because at 35 I had thought the decision had long ago been made.

The last time I had to sit and decide what I wanted to do when I grew up I was 17 with a newborn and no real time alloted to figure it out. I believe that actually qualified as reaction rather than decision making action. I will give myself this, I was single minded through it.

This time is slightly different. This time I decided that time had to be alloted. This time there is no one standing there telling me my idea is crap. I love my father and looking back understand where he was coming from however the message was clear and followed me for a long time. Back then I dreamed of teaching little kids, preschool. Early childhood education.

The message followed me through the desire to foster HIV positive babies. The classes were attended, the property purchased, I was promptly reminded that it was foolish and required strength I didn't have. That one came from the "father" I had married so the heat was off my real dad. A poorly placed joke!

It's really no surprise that I ended up supporting software. Addressing someone else's problems. Toss in "managing" teams of customer care professionals, designers, and "web people" and even I can see the "care giving" theme. It got seriously warped in there though, it being my care giving nature. There were times when it was like a codependent wet dream. I'll leave it at that.

I've always felt inwardly apologetic for my desire to take care. I suppose it has something to do with that desire being mostly misdirected and/or given to causes that were undeserving. A lot of times it bit me right in my ass, eloquent right?

And so we're back to the original question, what to do with the rest of my life. At 42, do you finally honor this talent or do you warp it again to fit the world you've spent the last two decades in?

If I didn't know the answer to that question this post would have been full of poetic possibilities.

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