Losing your zen

I have said, over and over, that the horses, the animals in general, have taught me to be a better person. They taught be a lot about peace. They teach me forgiveness everyday. They teach me a bit more about trust each day. They help me to be true to myself. My guys are all rescues of sorts. I say of sorts cause there is no real word for "needed a home". Brody is truly a rescue situation. Brody would have died, and probably sooner then anyone really wants to think about, had he been left in the situation he was in. The others, well they just needed a safe landing for one reason or the next. When you have "rescues" people often say things like "You've done such a great job" or "They are lucky to have you" or something along those lines. I suppose that is true; thing is I don't think many...

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Brody, a whole lotta magic.

I don't talk much about Brody. Brody touches on a lot of things I tend to keep to myself. Brody embodies a lot of things that I tend to keep to myself. The other night I was brushing Brody and he stopped eating. He doesn't always stop eating and wait for me to finish, sometimes he continues and I work around him. The other night, he stood there and just enjoyed it. A friend of mine remarked on space and the like, I agreed that Brody did in fact respect mine. I also knew that wasn't why he was standing there, oblivious to the hay (alfalfa no less). He was standing there because he was letting himself quietly enjoy the attention. He's always liked the brushing, the contact, the reassurance that he is loved, the touch that says trust can be had. We don't get near enough time, in...

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9943 days, a few hours, and not so many minutes away from 9944

I was driving along today, on my way home, thinking about my son. Thinking about Lou and the Horsey Halloween Party we went to. Thinking about how much joy they bring me. Wondering why the joy they bring me somehow came back to Joshua. It's some very odd and misguided sense of guilt that keeps me a little on edge about admitting how happy I am around them. He once told me, not too terribly long ago, in a rather put out manner, that if I didn't have "the horses" maybe I "could" afford to help him more. By not too long ago, I do mean within the last year. He was 27 in August of this year. He is also currently residing in another state. Yet, he...

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Big Lou

Big Lou, you have to say it with your head tilted down toward your chin and with a deeper voice than is likely to come out of you, whomever you may be! I didn't notice that I actually did the tilting of the head when I addressed him as "Big Lou" until tonight when I was thinking about writing a bit about him. He's not always Big Lou, sometimes he is Mr. Lou, sometimes he is Hey Gorgeous, and sometimes he is Seriously Lou?. Nearly always, he is perfect. He's got personality from here until next Tuesday, which really means he is prone to causing trouble. In the same respect, he is as mellow as sipping a Vanilla Latte in a springtime pasture on a Sunday afternoon. Under saddle he does exactly what you ask, even when presented with someone who doesn't always ask perfectly. I know he'd...

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Raw and unfiltered

Nice title don't you think?  It's not near as exciting as it sounds. One day not so long ago I came home to find that one of the boys had hurt himself. He had a nasty gash on his shoulder. That first day it looked like he got kicked and the skin had been pulled back. Nasty, yes. Treatable, absolutely.  The next day he had rolled and seemingly torn off the piece of skin that led me to believe that it was a kick that had simply torn back the skin in the process. When I cleaned him up that night I saw that it was more along the lines of a puncture wound and once the skin that was trying to cover it had left, well it was roughly the size of a half dollar. It was swollen. There was heat. I cleaned it out, put medicine on it (Nu-Stock which is great stuff), and tried...

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Removing should from your vocabulary

The other day, yesterday actually, I explained my theory on the word should to a good friend of mine. She was stating that she should not feel this or that about a situation; the circumstances don't really matter in this case. I listened for a bit then remembered my mom telling me not too many months ago (perhaps a year) that should implied blame and perhaps replacing that word with a kinder word, could for example, might just change my outlook on whatever situation I thought I was, or had, handled incorrectly. I shared it with my friend last night and was reminded of it again today. I.E. I should have (insert action) vs. I could have (insert action).  Should leaves very little room for growth; with should you are concentrating on what went south as opposed to how come it went south...

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It's like a win-win-win.

Simply put, they are my babies. I'd lay across rail road tracks for each one of them. I'd not even so much as hesitate. Recently I secured a position that will let me take care of my babies with one less worry. It's been a worrisome couple years; not that they knew, pretty sure I am the only one that ended up with an ulcer. It's been a nice few hours, letting it all sink in. A bit of freedom, an air of relief, and if I were inclined to be honest, I'd say I was rather proud of myself. Securing the position isn't really all that impressive; not securing the position, based on my qualifications, would have been devastating. Ok, so maybe not devastating but a blow to the old ego. I digress, my apologies. What is impressive however, is that this crazy last twenty some odd months...

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Somewhere between acceptance and gratitude or, varying degrees of doubt.

Today I am pissed at my email, in a shitty mood because it has not produced the email I am waiting for, and a little disappointed in my ability to "keep the faith" and/or feel grateful.  For a solid six days I have been religiously repeating: 1. The strength it took to look honestly at that time period was hard earned; hold onto that and stay proud of that. 2. If nothing, save a lesson, comes of this, the lesson is valuable enough. 3. The outcome will not define you, does not define you; the outcome is not a reflection of you as a person, it is simply the decision of someone other than yourself.  4. Let it go, see number 3 and let it go. It's been a long six days. I believe, with all my heart, that all three of those are completely true statements. I really do wish...

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And they call me Queen of the Walk

It's no secret that I don't like to go fast. Facts are facts; part of me is a big chicken. I say things like... I need to work on my posting, I haven't really done much lately, I'm sure I have forgotten the right way, I look like an idiot, I should take lessons again, then maybe we'll talk about cantering and all this "you have to go fast business". Truth is the key is feeling, not to mention a lot of trusting that enough to let go of the perfectionist, intellectual freak that says thing like "you look silly cause you aren't perfect". I look pretty hot at the walk. I love trotting about with Rev and Lou, so long as very few are around to see me go beyond the walk. Did I mention, I look great at the walk. It's the letting go that tends to keep me at the walk, the trusting myself part,...

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It's green cause we all agree that it's green.

My mom believes that we have collectively created our (general) reality. Trees for example, are green because we all agree they are green and therefore it becomes reality for us all. It's perception. It's choice. It's even a bit of compromise. Reality is a funny thing, it can be different for us all. The reality of my childhood is not the same as my brother's reality and we grew up together.  If it's really choice then we can choose a better reality even in the face of what is normally perceived to be a negative reality. It's all about perception. You really can change your life by changing your way of thinking. That being said, it's hard shit to actually do.  When I started this blog, I thought I was pretty hot shit. I was very impressed with myself...

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Oh Patch, how I wish we could have some chips and just chat.

Patch loved chips, he'd also stand right next to you and wait patiently for his next chip. For that matter he'd stand next to you and wait for any treat you might possibly have. That being said, he'd stand right next to you, treat or not, and listen to you ramble for as long as you needed. I will now stop with the although, thereby, and that being said, and for that matter, crap. You could talk to Patch, you could hang out with Patch. I spent many hours telling Patch things that Patch likely cared nothing about. We discussed everything from the price of bedding to the horrors that came from trying to re-figure life out at forty something. It'd be nice to chat with him tonight, he's been heavy on my mind. Mostly because there is so much I'd like to tell him....

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Just a horse, dog, cat, chicken, mouse, spider, or slug

I got to hang out with Bill today. Bill is one of my very favorite people. Bill is my dear friend's little boy; Bill is two. Bill calls me Auntie Cars not because he can't say Carol and not because his mommy is my "real" sister. I'm Auntie cause that's what'd I'd be if the world made the connections I saw fit (helps that his mommy agrees) and Cars because, well because, I have cars. I don't have real live, grown ups can drive, cars laying about the yard. I do however have the cars that Bill likes. There are areas of the house that look a little like a Match Box wrecking yard, Bill loves it. As a result of these two things I am Auntie Cars.  There is such beauty in a person whom has not been commercialized. I can watch Bill for hours and never get bored with his discoveries. What...

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I sure do love my boy

I think of Rev and I just smile. It's really that simple, it's really that amazing. Rascal Flats covers a song by Hunter Hayes, one of the lyrics is: "I don't know how you do what you do 'Cause everything that don't make sense about me  Makes sense when I'm with you" The song is a love song; the song is about a man declaring his love to a woman. The song is not about how wonderful it feels to wrap my arms around my horse's neck and feel him move closer.  My horse; how wonderful that feels to say out loud. Rev is as much mine as I am his. It really is that simple, it really is that amazing. ...

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Rev AKA "Sweetness"

When I walk up to Rev it goes a little like this: "Hi Sweetness, how is my boy?" Typically there is a discussion about my day, a few questions about his, a reminder that he is super handsome and that I love him, a kiss planed on his big old butt while I look him over for oddities and remind him that the Princess moved so he won't get bit anymore. I have had the honor of knowing some of the gentlest of horses. Brody, Texas, Patch, and P all come to mind instantly. Some of the gentlest souls have come to me in the form of animals, more than a few of those animals have been horses. Much like people, they were all gentle in there own way, for their own reasons, because of (or as a result of) their individual circumstances. They each taught me something different. They each showed me a new reason...

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Tolerance, picking battles, & Universal Strings

Now that, my friends, is a clever title! I'm a very tolerant person. I am pretty sure that my tolerance is a result of having to learn, early on, how to pick my battles. Hmmmm, that's kind of bullshit. I am a very tolerant person. I have learned to pick my battles. That isn't bullshit.  I did not do this early on. I'm not sure that's why I am a tolerant person. That part could be considered bullshit, depending your perspective.  Joshua taught me how to pick my battles. Without Joshua, I'd probably still be sitting here today wondering why the rest of the world wasn't operating as I saw fit. He surely doesn't know this and he doesn't read my blog so he likely never will. That's not a bad thing, he doesn't need to know :-) Being tolerant though, that might just be...

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No fitting title

Sitting here tonight, with the page blank and a million things running through my mind, I decided to spend five minutes on a clever title. A clever title is important; looking for a clever title somewhere in the far corners of my mind where nothing much happens is also a great way to avoid the active parts. So my clever title today is "No fitting title". Impressive I know. That's a cute opening to my subject matter this evening. Katie, my Impressive bred mare. Now when I say Impressive bred I am not talking adjectives :-) Actually it involves more than Katie, it involves them all and the tough decisions that come with them. It's the responsibility to do what's right for them even when it's not what you'd wish for you. It's the wrestling that comes with the examination of motive. i.e....

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Katie, my dilemma, wrapped in shades of Bay

Let's see if I have the courage to tell Katie's story, rather our story. At best, it will make a little sense to someone, somewhere. At worst I will stumble about the page and eventually feel better. It's a blog win-win. I fell in love with Katie the minute Teresa took the blanket off of her that very first day. I know that Katie is not the most beautiful, fancy, pony out there. To me however, she was the pony little girl dreams are made of. I forgot that I was not a little girl, I forgot that I had just started this horsey journey, I forgot every piece of advice and wisdom my forty some odd year old self had and plumb fell in love. It wasn't long before I had no choice but to realize I was over-horsed, in love no doubt, over-horsed no real doubt there either. We were...

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All wrapped up and nowhere to go

Well Rev is home. I must admit the reason I started thinking about bringing him home is certainly nothing to celebrate, he's been lame, however him being home is lovely. He's had a rough month. It kinda started with what appeared to be an abscess and progressed to what seems to be a tendon issue. He is wrapped, complete with a clay poultice, and resting comfortably in the deluxe stall here at home. He has the front yard to himself until he is feeling better and will spend gobs of time being hand walked and wrapped and attended to until he is feeling better. Once he is feeling better we will address the issue of shoes. His heels are low, of this I have no doubt. His feet however don't appear to be the real problem as we stand, wrapped up or otherwise. A couple of days with some rest and...

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New stuff and the color green

I'm not really a big fan of the color green. I never have been. I do like hunter green coupled with maroon but I tend to steer clear of green in general. My colors typically consist of denim, pink, grey, and black. On occasion I do browns. Somehow I have decided that not only did Rev need a color, Rev also needed a set. I can't tell you when the idea came to life really. I think it started with the cooler. I wanted a cooler, I didn't have a cooler, Rev needed a cooler. I went to the Hooves Up in Bremerton (great store by the way) and found a nice Hunter Green one. Rev is dark, like black, I figured it would look pretty nice on him. Truth is I didn't really "need" a cooler anymore than Rev did but everyone else had one and one day I'd make him sweat, or perhaps use it after...

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Giant toddlers

The last year and some odd months has provided such growth that I can't even come up with a "back then I would have done this" vs "today I'd do that" example that embodies the changes. The very priorities that drove me a year and a half ago are all but foreign to me; I suppose that is example enough. I could sum it up with something my mom once told me, "work to live, do not live to work". It's an easy idea on the surface however when you live to work, when you become your work, when your value is based on your work, it turns into a very complicated idea. I am ashamed at the times I judged someone whom did a job that was considered, by the norm, to be menial. I was so proud of what I had done I sort of bought my own bullshit. This is not to say I didn't deserve to be proud, I spent...

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Leo saves the world

Leonidas AKA, Leo, Mr. Leo, Captain Mouth, Captain Trouble, Gorgeous, Love, My Boy, and of course Baby. Leo knows me better than 99.9999% of the people I know.  Yesterday when I got home I was a little upset and Leo knew it. Never mind that it was the second day in a row where I had been gone for over twelve hours. Two years ago Leo might have found this annoyingly familiar however it has not been his life for about that and as a result he is well within his rights to be upset. We don't do separation well, let me rephrase, we don't do separation often. Yesterday when I got home though, I was upset and Leo knew it. His problems went out the doggy door and he did what he does best, reminded me that no matter what there is someone in the world that loves me without...

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Mom's day, today

It's mother's day; I have been a mom for 60.46511627906976% of my life. In two and a half months that percentage will change to 62.7906976744186; in three and a half months that will change again and go down to 61.36363636363637. Fun with numbers! Frankly I think I was born a mom, this is both a good and bad thing. Today my son is in California and I am in Washington. We spoke on the phone earlier. It's strange to be the mother of someone closer to thirty then he is to twenty; stranger still to be a state away from one another. Today, I am home with my four legged children enjoying the rare sunshine, waiting for the dryer to finish so I can hop in the shower and then climb onto Brody and get dirty all over again. I didn't have breakfast in bed or anything like that. Today...

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Clever titles are overrated.

Have you ever stood in a seriously dirty room, turned in a circle, and summarily walked out? That's about how I feel about my blog tonight. I thought I'd figure out a clever title and that would keep me focused. As you can see/read, that did not happen. So I'm stuck in this horribly dirty room hoping for a little focus, if we're lucky I'll get profound. Perhaps a list? 1. A family came and looked at Katie. I haven't heard from them and am trying to forget they ever came; not because they might not buy Katie. I'd like to forget them because I don't like (in a big way) the thought of selling Katie, period. 2. Rev has what appears to be a cold. I'm trying not to obsess. I am going to put him back on Vitamin C and get him some probiotics, if only to make myself feel better. I don't know...

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No one left bread crumbs

Sitting here I have written at least five opening sentences. It is not surprising that the topic that finds me unable to write is Katie. I placed an ad for Katie about a month ago. I didn't renew the ad after the initial seven days expired, mostly because I don't really want anyone to answer the ad! I got a couple responses, only one that was worth my, or Katie's, time. I have worried over Katie's future for a long time, I'd say it started the minute I saw her. I look at her and I only want the absolute best for her. She has always, always, evoked the very best in me. There is something very special about Katie that makes it really hard not to fall in love with her. It's not because she is an easy, laid back pony that anyone could crawl on. It's not because she is an angel in the pasture...

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