The last year and some odd months has provided such growth that I can't even come up with a "back then I would have done this" vs "today I'd do that" example that embodies the changes. The very priorities that drove me a year and a half ago are all but foreign to me; I suppose that is example enough.
I could sum it up with something my mom once told me, "work to live, do not live to work". It's an easy idea on the surface however when you live to work, when you become your work, when your value is based on your work, it turns into a very complicated idea.
I am ashamed at the times I judged someone whom did a job that was considered, by the norm, to be menial. I was so proud of what I had done I sort of bought my own bullshit. This is not to say I didn't deserve to be proud, I spent well over twelve years getting to where I was and I was also very good at what I did. This is to say that at the end even though I was, without a doubt, completely burned out, I was also a judgmental ass. Admitting that was not a lot of fun; admitting it to myself that is. Looking at that and going about changing it was a real carnival ride. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I was without what I thought made a person successful.
It meant a lot of change because it wasn't really about my job or my career, it was this ridiculous need to prove to the world that I had "beat the odds". And son of a bitch if that didn't just slip right out onto the page and surprise even me. I was going to say it was about control, which of course is a large part of it, however apparently not all of it. I'll deal with that little slip of the thumb in another post.
Back to the control aspect...
Being controlled has it's advantages, the trick is to use that ability to protect yourself as opposed to hurting yourself with it. Again with the slips. Apparently today is stream of conscious day. In any case, it's not a bad thing to be disciplined. I did have to let go of the things that I controlled to mask the deeper problem. Things like letting the dishes sit in the sink, being comfortable with mud on my shoes, learning to go without make up, not judging the lady that walked into the store with five kids or purple hair or with an excess of weight, all of those things that I did (and thought) to appear (feel) perfect (better than) because goodness knows I didn't believe it. These all sound like tiny things however walking out of the house without make up is a big deal, rather was. Working at least a 10-12 hour day was important. Only a slacker worked 8 hours, I was an over achiever, hard working, etc...and again I bought my own bullshit.
Since everything happened I have said "I used to be important" many many times, that is precisely how I felt for a long time. It's not an exaggeration to say that I still have moments when I no longer know exactly what it is that makes me important considering I have no real job, no real lucrative job I should say. I am not anyone's boss, I'm doing things I'd never dreamed of, much less tried, so I can't spout of the many years of experience I have. I don't have my fancy car with it's heated seats and I don't pull down eighty grand a year. In my logical, judgmental, circus ride of mind all of that equates not important.
Today was my first day off in six days, also my first attempt at a job outside of the horses and the ranch since "everything happened". Naturally I pick a "job" that requires I work twelve hour shifts as well as one that has a sales type salary, in that I "could" make a lot or I "could" suck and make nothing. No pressure. I also picked something that I have never done and would not be considered a "match" considering my skill set. No pressure.
Today, I spent the day up at the ranch. There is something very cleansing about cleaning up after, caring for, the giant toddlers. I've met many a horse, many a dog, many a cat, a few goats, a donkey here and there, and not one of them loved with motive.
This morning Flirt knocked over her water bucket, Carter had his feeder deal half way across the wall, Quinn was banging on his door, someone shit in their bowl (I can't recall who), and that was just the main barn! Down below Blondie and Lad were running amok because they were starving and I apparently walk too slow. Sophie had hay from dinner spread all over her stall, Cy looked to have been practicing some sort of horsey jig on his poop all night long (think horse shit dust), I threw Daisy's hay in a spot where she had just peed and on the morning went. Still, starting my day with them forces me to admit that as discouraged as I may feel I can not ignore my importance in this world that I have created for myself. A world that is completely changed because I am completely changed. A world I don't have to give up regardless of what "job" I choose to do.
Since everything happened I have said "I used to be important" many many times, that is precisely how I felt for a long time. It's not an exaggeration to say that I still have moments when I no longer know exactly what it is that makes me important considering I have no real job, no real lucrative job I should say. I am not anyone's boss, I'm doing things I'd never dreamed of, much less tried, so I can't spout of the many years of experience I have. I don't have my fancy car with it's heated seats and I don't pull down eighty grand a year. In my logical, judgmental, circus ride of mind all of that equates not important.
Today was my first day off in six days, also my first attempt at a job outside of the horses and the ranch since "everything happened". Naturally I pick a "job" that requires I work twelve hour shifts as well as one that has a sales type salary, in that I "could" make a lot or I "could" suck and make nothing. No pressure. I also picked something that I have never done and would not be considered a "match" considering my skill set. No pressure.
Today, I spent the day up at the ranch. There is something very cleansing about cleaning up after, caring for, the giant toddlers. I've met many a horse, many a dog, many a cat, a few goats, a donkey here and there, and not one of them loved with motive.
This morning Flirt knocked over her water bucket, Carter had his feeder deal half way across the wall, Quinn was banging on his door, someone shit in their bowl (I can't recall who), and that was just the main barn! Down below Blondie and Lad were running amok because they were starving and I apparently walk too slow. Sophie had hay from dinner spread all over her stall, Cy looked to have been practicing some sort of horsey jig on his poop all night long (think horse shit dust), I threw Daisy's hay in a spot where she had just peed and on the morning went. Still, starting my day with them forces me to admit that as discouraged as I may feel I can not ignore my importance in this world that I have created for myself. A world that is completely changed because I am completely changed. A world I don't have to give up regardless of what "job" I choose to do.
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