Clever titles are overrated.

Have you ever stood in a seriously dirty room, turned in a circle, and summarily walked out? That's about how I feel about my blog tonight.

I thought I'd figure out a clever title and that would keep me focused. As you can see/read, that did not happen.

So I'm stuck in this horribly dirty room hoping for a little focus, if we're lucky I'll get profound.

Perhaps a list?

1. A family came and looked at Katie. I haven't heard from them and am trying to forget they ever came; not because they might not buy Katie. I'd like to forget them because I don't like (in a big way) the thought of selling Katie, period.

2. Rev has what appears to be a cold. I'm trying not to obsess. I am going to put him back on Vitamin C and get him some probiotics, if only to make myself feel better. I don't know that he has a cold but his nose is runny, it was very runny today when Cathy and I were working with him. His eye also had goop, nothing like when he first came still, there was goop.

3. We attempted to put a bridle on Rev today and he was none too pleased. It bothers me that he didn't want anything to do with it. It does not bother me because that means we will have to go slow, we all know I am not a let's jump on the horse kinda gal. Let's face it, the last thing I ask/require is them accepting me on their back. I don't, and wouldn't, give two shits if it took Rev and I months to get there. It bothers me because he was unhappy and I am not sure the cause. It could be his teeth, which I have to address regardless. It could be something that happened to him prior that has him so intent on rejecting. It's hard to say. It really doesn't matter if it's either or a combination of the two. It just means we address everything slowly and we call the dentist for good measure. It bothers me, this idea that he is scared and/or uncomfortable. We will get through it, of that I have no doubt. Still, it bothers me that he is bothered. And so we do another do-si-do around the messy room that has become my blog.

4. I simply must figure out what I'm going to do with myself. This particular room is so messy I only do a half circle before I walk out.

There we have a list, a relatively useless one at that. Normally I am a big fan of lists; tonight I am just a big fan of making them as a distraction.

The last item on that list is the problem, it has me walking in circles that make little sense; as if walking in circles ever makes sense!

What to do? What do to?

Fact is, I can't imagine the care of horses not being the core of what I 'do with myself'. Fact is, that will never find me in a position where budgets matter little. Fact is, I could sell my soul to the software world and make the material problems less material. Fact is, selling my soul is exactly how it would feel. Actually, betrayal comes to mind when I seriously consider it. That's interesting, who would I be betraying? I think myself and the animals as well. I remember sitting paralyzed by fear when I was kicked off the island, I remember looking at the horses or Leo and feeling myself come back. I remember vowing to never find myself in a place where 12 hours away from home was normal. It'd be a betrayal of the highest order, perhaps that's why I liken it to 'selling my soul'. Strangely enough when all this started I was convinced I'd never find myself, much less my way, unless I went back to what I 'did'. I defined myself through my work, my 'success', without that what was I?

Turns out, I am a lot more. Also turns out that figuring out what to do with that 'a lot' is much like an ultra messy room on a bright sunny day; slightly overwhelming, especially when you don't turn the circle and walk out.

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