Hey you're late

I woke up this morning to my Microsoft alerts and couldn't figure out why or what day it was! I put that schedule on my calendar, recurring, seven days a week. It had been popping (and dinging) reminders for an hour and a half by the time I realized what was waking me.

The donks start saying good morning as soon as they notice the light flip on in the kitchen or when daylight breaks, which ever comes first. They will remind me that it's morning until I come out and feed them. The first one is a "good morning" the following are "Helllllloooooo you might not be hungry yet but we are and guess what? We knocked the water over again and might just dehydrate if you don't get yourself out here verrrrrry soon!" That, of course, is not a quote.

They've been moved down to the donkey house so now not only do they do this every morning, they can now stare at the kitchen window while doing it so I can see their tortured and neglected faces! It is on rare occasion that they eat any later than 8:00am. I am rarely out there before 7:00am, usually right at 7:00am during the week and 7:30am on the weekends. Donkey's apparently don't tell time though. I wish they'd learn. They ate at about 7:45 today and they did turn over their water bucket again. "oh the donks...." goes through my head at least a million times a week! It definitely did this morning!

Leo isn't much better when he wakes up and figures out this is not one of those days where I drag out the dreaded black bag and leave him all alone for nine hours a day! Then it's all about "let's go to the barn, come on I wanna harass (chase) the ducks, I wanna run in the barn and catch the mouse I know lives there, aren't we taking a ride"?! He'll get this across to me by going out when we get up, coming back in a few minutes later to find me, walk outside again, repeat. If I am sitting down during this he will sit down next to me, look at me occasionally, and wait for me to stand up. If I stand up, he jumps up headed to the door then follows me around confused when I am not headed to the door.

The horses are more polite, they might come and stand at the fence down by the house and look over as if to remind me that I might want to take a look at the clock. Today Patch and Tex were standing at the bottom fence looking toward the house, an awful handsome pair, and I wanted a picture. Having faith that they'd stand there looking handsome and still I went to get my camera, they were still there waiting! I get out there, start fiddling with the zoom, and end up with a picture of them walking away!

All of it did remind me that, regardless of the fear, this whole thing from donks to ducks is well worth it.

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Lesson day and magic riding dust

I didn't post yesterday, I was oddly tired after my lesson with Sarah. I can't say that it's justified considering we walked and walked and walked in circles, we jogged a minute or five in total but honestly....we walked. We worked on going about turns in the correct manner, this one of my "action items" (I just like saying that when it's not about work!). I say "one of" because in my head I have five hundred of them after a short walk, pretend to jog lesson with Sarah. The biggest one really should be "get out of your head". I don't think it's on Sarah's list of things for me to do but it's sure on mine; if it is she has been gracious enough to not say it like that! When Sarah says it, it comes out as "relax" literally "relax", a lot more gentle then what I do in my head.

Sarah asked that I let my legs swing with his movement. I swung my legs, I did not let my legs swing. I sat there and thought about it then went about concentrating on something as simple as letting my legs move naturally that I ended up consciously swinging my legs! After that I was so worried about my repeating the same "in my head" way of approaching my body that I couldn't let my legs swing like she had asked. I'm sure we will be walking some serious circles this week, and there will be some leg swinging; it will take me at least three rides to let my legs swing naturally and not feel like a retard. Maybe by next Thursday I'll be able to let my legs swing!

I might understand the reasoning behind the exercise and I might agree completely with the logic/lesson and I would certainly go so far as to say that when done naturally it probably looks like a perfectly normal exercise, not retarded. Me, rather than feel it I try to time it out, count it off in my head, etc... making it all an equation as opposed to a feeling. I have no idea how to get out of my head most of the time. If I could wear my Ipod and have Sarah's coaching come in throughout the songs I bet I'd kick butt at getting out of my head! Is there a gadget like that somewhere? Or how about some magic riding dust? I am 41 you know, starting now is kind of ummm late I'd say.

It's funny, the scariest part in all of this is not really the riding. The riding frustrates me because I want to be perfect and I'd prefer to be perfect right now. I know it's unreasonable but that's really the bottom line there.

The scariest part is the commitment to caring for them. I'm going to compare them to children because it is truly my only frame of reference when I am talking about this kind of a commitment.

When Joshua was a child my whole world revolved around what was best for him, I believe firmly that this is how it should be. They are a gift and I believe doing what is best for them is the least we can do, mind you I did not say "giving them whatever they want". They are counting on you to provide them with the care and help they need. For example, if your child's foot hurts you might take off his shoe, you might put it up, you might ice it, etc... you do whatever is necessary to make sure that foot heals, and at times knowing they may not like the healing process :-)

The commitment is amazing and scary sometimes. Things like the proper car seat matter more than you'd have imagined, you don't even think about what everyone is doing Friday night and/or going out to dinner :-) It just happens, in the blink of an eye you're a "mom"! Typically with that come thoughts like "Oh my god what if I don't know what I am doing, shit what if people figure out I don't know what I am doing, what if I screw up, oh god what if I can't afford this, am I being too hard or too soft...??" It doesn't paralyze you 100% of the time, if it did every woman that had a child would be in a corner rocking back and forth; sooner or later word would spread, that kind of news would leak! We'd stop reproducing and then where would we be?! It's more like an IV drip of worry, nice and steady. I am a mom and a grandma, I am allowed to make that crass a reference! ;-)

That is the single scariest thing about the horses. I don't worry about car seats now, my son is 25 and my grandson is nearly 5. I worry about hay being too dry, if I have enough bedding or need more, if water buckets are clean, if Patch got pushed away from his food after I left (I've been known to play food police quite a bit for him, it probably looks ridiculous!), if Tex is getting enough exercise, winter blankets I need to buy, when the farrier is coming, Patch's teeth, Katie's training, Perris' mane, if Patch's leg is swollen, if Logan's foot is ok (farrier mishap), and of course am I being too hard or too soft? We could tack on the right saddle for Tex, the right saddle for Patch, bridles, hay nets, gravel I need to buy for the area by the barn, ditches that need to be dug, gutters on the barn, a new wheelbarrow, dragging the pasture, can I afford this, and a slew of other things/worries on my "holy shit that's a long list" list!

In the face of that, riding really isn't all that scary ;-)

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Oh those eyes get me every time

Today was a good day; I did not follow my schedule but I am ok with that for today. I did spend the better part of the day being grateful; grateful for the wonderful friends I have in my life, grateful for the life we've created here at the "farm".

Kate had the baby today, I found a long lost poem, the farrier came to tend to most everyone's feet and I worked from home...what did I discover? What did I learn? Oh just gobs and gobs of insight came my way today!

I guess I will start with, and probably end with, Tex. He rivals any love I've ever felt, just watching him finds me smiling in ways that I haven't smiled since I first saw my son (not that I am comparing my son to a horse!). Tex does inspire the same level of pride and joy every single time I look at him, every time he walks up to me (looking for something no doubt), every time he turns his head, every time I sit upon his back and he accepts me there...it's amazing to me. I feel a connection with him that rivals that of Joshua and Leo, which may sound off to some I suppose. I am however convinced it is the mom in me and much like I believe that children pick their parents I believe that animals pick their partners (I hate the word "owner").

I wonder how kooky it is to think that children pick their parents but I do believe it to be true; through every heartache that Joshua and I have seen I've always comforted myself in knowing that if that boy wanted to be born to someone else he would have; do I understand and/or can I explain how they "pick"? Nope not at all, I do however believe it with all my heart. I suppose it all comes down to believing in fate and a force far more powerful and knowing than myself.

I could be guilty of thinking too much here but how in the world can I believe that Joshua was delivered into my life by chance and "breeding"; someone somewhere knew I needed him as much as he needed me. Being his mom has taught me patience, acceptance, and given me strength that even I deny (for fear I sound too proud of myself and cause a huge lightening bolt to strike me on principal!). It is however as accurate a statement as I have ever made. I have no clue who or what controls this crazy universe I am allowed to participate in I only know that it has delivered me some of the best beings ever and I am grateful, so very grateful.

Tex is a great example of that, this is where it gets sappy! I look at his face, look at those eyes and pray that he feels the same love I do. Honestly I choose to believe that the swell of emotions I feel every time I see him is mutual because it suits me :-) I still don't quite understand how I got so lucky with Tex, I just no longer worry about the why and simply enjoy the fact that he'll put his face in my hand and wait till I rub his teeth and make the squeaky sound he seems to love, that he'll come running when I call his name, that he will let me "nap" with him and snore in my lap (which I suppose to others sounds downright weird) or that he will come investigate if I pay too much attention to any of the other horses, as if to remind me that he is the "special one". Like I said, I like to think it's mutual cause the connection seems so honest and pure that it rivals only that of a mother and child (before they hit the teen years of course!)

I suppose I could have summed up this post with one sentence...The love one feels for a child and/or an animal is the most honest of loves. Today I was reminded of both and am grateful beyond words

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Schedules and walking meters that fail

I decided I needed a schedule; I'm far better when I have a schedule and there is far too much to do without one to keep me on track...

I made one today; it includes everything but eating, well for me at least. Everyone else has their eating scheduled in but the human in the equation hasn't figured out how she'll work that in!

It's not easy being a beginner at anything when you are 41 years old much less a complete change (no matter how welcome) of lifestyle. It's especially difficult when the beginner in question has never really sucked at anything in her life and certainly hasn't had to "be patient" while she learns! Grasping the fact that this will not find me an expert in the short year that it has been still drives me a little insane. Knowing that "expert" is unreachable when you are dealing with living and breathing beings does not help; I am the picture of unrealistic expectations when it comes to myself. It's as silly as thinking that you will be an expert at parenthood after you have your first child, it's impossible.

That I have to bounce on a ball all day at work and remind myself constantly to sit up straight is enough to make me wanna smack myself in the forehead! Apparently I didn't even have the concept of sitting up straight right in my head, I arch the hell out of my back normally and am constantly reminding myself that sticking your ass out does not mean your sitting up straight! I practiced walking with a straight back today while I was walking up the hill back to work, apparently I lean when walking up a hill and trying to not lean forward was kind of a challenge! I suppose being aware of my body is a bit of a challenge in and of itself, I always thought I was. As it turns out being aware of my own body does not equal knowing when I am going to trip over a stick in the woods!

Balance is another one that confounds me; I've never been a ballerina (unless you count the time when I was 8 years old) however I can still do a back bend, a cartwheel in a straight line, a round off in a straight line, I can ice skate and roller skate as if I were still 15 and not even come close to falling but apparently that does not mean one is "balanced" enough to ride successfully. And here I thought I had some pretty decent balance going on....

I can't even begin to tell you how frustrating it is to teach a 41 year old body how to do something as simple as soften her back, goodness I can't even wrap my head around it most the time; I do know I have to figure it out. It's all very humbling really, in a good way, in a challenging way and in a way that makes me wish I had started ten years ago!

So all that being said I made myself a schedule, bounce on my ball all day at work and am even walking with a little meter thingy all day long. The meter failed me today when I went for my 30 minute walk around Winslow so I don't really have my count for today but I am shooting for 10,000 steps a day. I was walking with my little meter thing, hoping for a good two to three thousand steps by the time I was done and back to work, I talked to myself the entire time "Do not stop and check, just keep walking, you don't need to check just keep walking". A little battle with my obsessive side ;-) I finally checked when a co-worker came up behind me and stopped me and the damn thing had only recorded 60 steps! As it turns out it doesn't work when you hook it to the pocket of your baggiest jeans! It is now on my waist band and has recorded a mere 3,164 steps so far today. I may have to run back and forth up the drive when I go deliver Patch his beet pulp for the night...I'd like to figure I walked 2,000 during my walk at lunch but I am afraid it's cheating and I'll never really believe it anyway!

I do have to re-figure my schedule so that there is a bit of time for dinner. In all likelihood I will simply eat dinner at my desk before I leave and not re-do the schedule however for my mom's sake I'll make an effort, she worries!

So there you have this beginners frustrations for the day; everyone is eating and happy right now. Leo and I are due up at the barn in a few minutes to clean and deliver Patch's special "dinner" so I'll end this rant for now and know that tomorrow will be great fun since I'm implementing this impossible schedule! I'll simply adjust accordingly as we continue this journey into being the best I can for the horses I love!

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Isn't he beautiful?

Now let's guess who I am talking about ;-)

It was a big day, as expected. Today was my first day at work "disengaged" from the front line support team which for me was kinda hard and I felt pretty darned lost for the better part of the day. I did however do something huge; someone came to me with a question, there was no obvious answer and when that was determined I sent them to someone else instead of diving in and trying to figure it out myself. This may not be huge for some but it's huge for me.

Anyway as I drove onto the road that leads to my little paradise I realized just how much I loved coming home. It was a nice comfortable feeling, looking forward to all the things awaiting me, even though some of those things equal wheelbarrows full of crap. I rounded the corner and saw Tex and Logan hanging out in the pasture next to Patch's stall, I came down the drive to Patch nodding his head at me and Perris chimed in as soon as she noticed the car too. I do represent dinner ya know! It is however nice to see them all and then of course there was Leo bouncing around like a retarded bunny rabbit the minute I opened the door. The poor guy can never decide if going potty is more important than greeting me full force, the first five minutes are full of sentences like "no no honey let's go potty, yes I missed you too, no jumping Leo no jumping" If I am late "no biting mommy" is often thrown in there for good measure. He doesn't really bite he just tries to drag me around with his mouth, usually that means I have to supervise going potty before he relaxes!

I have about an hour to kill before I must go up and clean the stalls, I decided to wait till it cooled down a bit and let them all eat. Logan and Tex are eating outside up by the pump house and the two little ones are in the pasture. Logan and Tex think this is the biggest treat ever which works for me cause it means I can relax after today before we start any real cleaning.

I have to also figure priorities, it's what I "should" be doing now. I have a mile long list of things I want to do and want to obtain...I want to build an arena, I want to get a saddle from Sarah, I want a bitless bridle for Patch and I want one specifically for Texas too, I want to replace the floors in the stalls, I want to put a round pen up, I want to transform the shelter into two stalls with paddocks....however I did realize today that it's late July which means rainy season is right around the corner and what the farm needs is a bit more important then me building an arena and a round pen when what I have works perfectly fine! Mud control is what I need to focus on; that is so damned boring though, the thought of building an arena is far more exciting to me! However priorities are priorities and so we're shifting the list around a bit...gutters for the barn (mine are old and not...well working), gravel for the area that inevitably will turn to mud come October, a ditch for draining behind the shelter, fixing the footing in the shelter (I found the greatest idea ever for that today; when I was feeling lost at work I did what any red blooded American girl would do and surfed the web for "mud control"). Now I can obsessively budget mud control into my long list of wants and needs that the farm and the horses provide!

I think I will go up and see what Tex is up to and clean stalls, it's been a long one and I have to get up early to start the day. I am thinking of changing my hours to 7am - 4pm at work so my day "seems" longer. Being I am no longer managing the front line group and managing only myself I don't really see a problem. I'm sure I'll wrap the night up with a new "schedule", if I write it down I am more apt to follow it and seems all my wants are going to need a level of discipline this lady has not employed for a little bit :-)

Thanks to Jenny for coming over and helping me soak the hay tonight and wrangle P and patch into the pasture; Patch was such a good boy for her I was proud. Honestly there was no wrangling involved :-) I really do love that old guy, he gets better and better every day. It's like watching a flower bloom; maybe I like it so much cause Patch is older and coming back into himself and I can relate...

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Lazy lazy weekend at the farm

I came home Friday night with a bit of a heavy heart surrounding my job and the changes that are underway so I did what I do; I stayed up at the barn till 10pm, cleaned stalls, arranged halters, fussed over Texas and Patch and talked to the "girls" about my troubles. I sure wish they could talk back sometimes! That being said I think Perris would tell me to shut up, work is nothing compared to someone brushing out your mane and Logan would probably tell me to grow up!

I decided to take it easy this weekend, clean carpets and enjoy the horses; I did just that. Well except for me deciding that soaking hay by the barn and dragging four buckets of hay and water to the pasture was a good idea...ummm water weighs a lot more then hay! Lesson learned, soak it and remove it before moving it. I swear they watch me do these things, sweating and grunting my way up the drive with a fifty pound bucket in tow and laugh to themselves. Short of that Saturday was pretty darn laid back, which I needed!

Sunday has turned into a pretty relaxed day as well, Leo and Lex (I am dog sitting Leo's sister) woke me up at 6:30am and refused to let me sleep so the day did start early but most do around here... I seriously did nothing today, I cleaned out the stalls and tended to the horses but there was nothing major happening at all. I managed to soak myself with the hose when I was filling and cleaning water buckets so I spent from 4pm on in my sweats; kinda proud of myself really, not only is that relaxing I didn't even match! Grey sweats, a brown shirt, and pink over sized crocks..now there is some serious fashion! And I wonder why the horses laugh at me!

I think the highlight of the weekend was Patch scaring himself right out of the barn when he wasn't supposed to be in there anyway! P and him were inside last night cause everyone steals Patch's beet pulp and rather than play food referee I decided to bring him in and P wanted to follow so she got to come in as well. In any case I let them out this morning and I was going to put them in the pasture with Logan and Tex so they could all play but Patch apparently had other ideas and wanted to stay in the yard. I debated for a few minutes....force him into the pasture or let him hang in the yard with P for awhile, I decided to let them wander the yard for a few hours. I check on them every once in awhile so I know exactly where they are; honestly like every 10 minutes cause I worry and at one point I looked up and Patch is standing completely still and straight looking right into the barn! I called to him from the porch, he looked at me then looked straight into the barn again. I could see that he was a little upset about something but damned if I knew what since he was just fine not more then five minutes before. My first thought was P had gone back into her stall to finish her hay and Patch was confused but nope P was munching away at the side of the house....

I got up there and Patch wasn't about to move, he just watched me go investigate and as it turned out Patch had walked into the barn, knocked the treats off the bench (managed to even get the lid off), took the lid off the grain bucket (which is empty on purpose thank god), and sent a few other things to the floor in the process. I started cleaning up his little adventure and eventually he came to watch (I had no idea he was behind me). I turned my head to look over my shoulder and there was Patch's face right in mine. I still can't decide if he felt guilty (he did look pretty sheepish) or if the noise had scared him :-)

I needed this calm relaxing weekend watching them enjoy the sun and each other to prepare for next week. I begin a new regimen tomorrow one that involves getting off my butt and exercising with consistency. I need to be in better shape to successfully ride and although I don't want to jump into the show circuit I want to be the best rider I can be for my boys! That does mean that I have to get my muscles back, being thin can fool a lot of people into thinking you're in great shape but it's sure not fooling Tex! So tonight it's early to bed for everyone, including me.

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Logan's story

Logan is a mare, a very pretty grey Trekanher mare that has given us our share fair of "problems" but we love her anyway. She's Kate's, she will eventually move to the ranch but she's lived here at the farm since last October or November (I can't recall which). We found Logan through a message board, specifically Kate found Logan and we took her home shortly after that. She was a young woman's horse that had gone off to college, her mom could no longer care for Logan so...not sure if you see the theme here ;-)

When Logan first came she gave everyone hell, she about kicked Kate in the head once, has broken more walls than anything I've ever seen, broke the chicken coop and generally made enemies with Charlie and Perris both right away. She hurt Charlie once, he was lame for a good three weeks after that.

She's calmed down a lot since then however she still kicks the hell out of the barn when she goes into season which really is great fun to deal with! I feel sorry for the old gal cause she has to be in some pain to react as she does, pushing into the fence posts, kicking out at the walls....

Today, as we speak (if you will), she is a LOT better. Her and Perris are great friends, she and the boys get along too. She really took a shine to Patch when he came home and well Tex...she thinks he can "help" her in her time of need (he can't) so there is a different relationship there.

When Justin was here he rode Logan, he thinks Logan is GRRRRREAT and she really is, she is one that needs either a kid or a very strong minded person to get her to pay attention. She seems to respect the kids and challenge the adults but once she knows you she's good as gold really (except for the in season thing).

She went through some rough patches too, she sat for a good couple years, she was in a poorly fit saddle for years...she has it pretty good here and it shows.

It's gonna be sad when she leaves, I am kinda used to repairing the damage that ensues when she is feeling pissy :-) And as much a pain in the ass as she can be I do love the old gal!

It's nice to see her happy with her friends and it was equally nice to see her respond to Justin as she did. She deserves to be a happy happy horse and I think I can safely say that is the case now!

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Patchy, the pony we all love

Patchy came to the farm because he was lame and the gentleman that owned him was unable to care for him. He appeared to have an issue with his tendon and couldn't really walk on it well much less be ridden, he had lost a lot of weight and as it turned out had a pretty darned serous worm issue. Patch was put on stall rest for a good while then we built a small paddock for him up by the pump house and then eventually he was able to go out into the pasture with the others. Today he looks fabulous and boy can he move! Watching Patch run is just awe inspiring, I think we should nick name him Speedy Gonzalez!

Technically he was brought here to be Tonio's pony but really he's grandma's pony :-) He's a small guy, with a slight build; for once in my life being on the smaller side works to my advantage cause I am not too big for him! I hope that in the next year or so Tonio gets to spend more time at Grandma's and also take advantage of riding Patch, he is very proud of "his pony".

It's been fantastic to watch him come out of his shell as he feels better and better; he certainly has personality! Him walking up to the house for treats is one example of him knowing what he wants and simply going about obtaining that. One day I looked out the front door to see where he was and low and behold he was in the doorway! He had the right idea cause he did get a carrot out of the deal.

We're told he's 20 but it's so very hard to see him as that old; he acts like a very young guy and promises to be a part of the family for the duration!

We've started light riding with him and he's doing great. We don't do a lot cause the last thing I want to do is see him hurt his leg again so we are taking it easy. Patch doesn't necessarily agree with this logic and really would prefer we go fast fast fast; heck he even walks fast. It's been great though and will continue to be; I want to take him to trail competitions one day, that kind of competition interests me a great deal and I think he'd be just fantastic! Not to mention what a sight he'd be, he is a beautiful Appy with the greatest colors and face to match. I have a feeling he'd probably enjoy beating everyone too :-)

By next summer Patch and I will both be so much better, I am actually pretty darned excited about the whole thing! Keep an eye out on the trails cause we'll be there ;-)

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Big love Texas style

As you might have noticed I am doing my best to introduce you to the magical animals that are helping to shape me into the grown up that even I am proud of. Texas has found me a little speechless but I'll do my level best.

Texas belongs to Sarah, the intent is for Tex to belong with me once everything settles with Katie. I seriously can't see giving him up, he is the biggest love I've ever met. He is also hilarious and gorgeous and perfectly content to ride with an old grandma like myself. With him I don't feel I am doing an injustice by not wanting to go to the show rings. I think in Tex I did find the partner I dreamed that Katie would be. Funny how life works out isn't it.

He's here at the farm while Katie is at Sarah's and we're taking lessons (bareback) with Sarah every Thursday. We also ride with Gary (Kate's dad) and on occasion by ourselves. He's helping me to learn which I think it awfully sweet of him. That he will lay his big head in my lap and let me fuss over him completely certainly does help in the "I think Tex is the greatest ever" arena! I can't imagine him not being with me to be honest.

Over the last couple months that he's been here we've all settled into a routine and a coexistence that seems to suit everyone. At first Perris and Tex didn't exactly hit it off, there was biting :-( Poor P looked like someone took clippers to her beautiful summer coat with no apparent pattern or logic. They were not to be out together for a bit; that's all changed and everyone is getting along famously. Well Leo still bothers Tex a lot but Tex just sorta looks at him like he's lost his little dog mind and goes about his business. Tex has on occasion made it clear to Mr. Leo that he is bigger then him; once Leo was sitting next to me nicely and Tex was grazing in the yard, Tex must have caught wind of this situation (Leo sitting perfectly still) and came over to stick his big nose right in Leo's face and sorta sniffed him like "Hmmm oh you again" looked at me and walked away as if to say "You might think that dog is great but I have reservations!" Leo stayed at my side and continued to watch Tex graze. There have also been a quite a few times when Leo raced up the pasture only to be severely out run by Tex (Leo really thinks when Tex runs it's some kind of running game for them both). Poor Leo hates being outrun and it happens to him all the time! He comes back a little dejected every time, I don't think he understands why everyone is so much faster then him!

Today Tex is out and about with Logan and we'll be riding this evening when all errands are done and it's a nice cool summer evening! We'll be going bareback and slow so as to not fall off his beautiful back! I'm trying to learn to ride bareback, I want perfect balance and I want to understand how Tex feels so that it's not a concerted effort but a natural flow. It's a challenge and I have a knot the size of an orange on my ass to prove that balance is lacking! We are working on it though and we'll keep working on it till I move so in tune with Tex you can't really tell where one begins and the other ends; do I realize this could take me the rest of my days?!? Umm yep, good thing I am not in a hurry and Tex is young!

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And then there was Katie

I found Katie on Craigslist; I spent gobs of time on Craiglist looking at horses, I suppose I should admit that I still do! In any case that's where I stumbled on Katie's ad, she was gorgeous and I spent nights looking at her picture wishing she were mine. I have seen some pretty darned beautiful horses listed for sale, Katie's picture however seemed to follow me to sleep and throughout the day.

I finally contacted the woman who owned Katie, went to see Katie before a lesson and subsequently went about purchasing her. Purchasing her meant boarding her while payments were being made and getting her into training while I continued my lessons, I was anything but experienced and Katie was "green"...It all sounded as if it'd work perfectly right?!

Well as things turn out Katie and I weren't the best match ever though we certainly did try! I love her and am working with Sarah in finding her a new home with a little girl who can take Katie to the places she deserves to go.

It's costly and is taking quite a bit of time but when I bought Katie I made a commitment, one that has shaped a lot of what I do anymore. Katie has had a few owners, Katie has been started and restarted with various trainers and has not had the easiest way to go up till now. There are those that think it's costing too much and I love them for their concern (they know who they are) however I won't take Katie out of Sarah's care and training until we find that perfect little girl; she deserves nothing less. I committed to making sure she was happy, safe and healthy, that means she stays where she is till we find that special little girl :-)

It's really a little bittersweet to see her these days; we went up and watched her free jump at Diamond Hill and it made a part of me sad to see the connection she has with Sarah. Sad in that I wanted that so bad with Katie....It's the immature side of me that gets a twinge of jealousy and it's that jealousy that found me thinking about blogging and exploring this journey. While I was driving and feeling a little sorry for myself 'cause Katie loved Sarah more then she did me (silly silly silly I know) I realized what a cry baby I was being and remembered all the wonderful things that having Katie in my life has brought about! It also reminded me that when I purchased Katie I committed to doing nothing short of making sure she was happy and had what she needed and is that not what has been done?! She is so happy with Sarah and is so in love with the job she has now, it'd be a crime to take that from her no matter the costs and or my silly twinges of jealousy!

Katie also brought Sarah into my life in a very active way, she eventually brought Tex into my life and has reminded me time and time again that loving someone (yes I said someone) often means doing what is best for them even if it doesn't always sit perfectly with you. Not to mention the courage owning Katie has brought to me; one wouldn't think that an animal can give you the courage of conviction that Katie has given me. It is very difficult to explain how committing to her and standing up for what's best for her has helped me to stand up and do what's also best for me.

Katie is by far the prettiest horses I'll ever meet, quite the Diva these days too. She knows how gorgeous she is and expects to be treated as such, she gets that with Sarah and Missy who rides and has shown her. If I had found Katie ten years down the road perhaps we'd have made a better match however I don't really believe that to be the case, I just say it as a way to make myself feel less naive for buying a horse that was so clearly over my head. That being said, I think Katie found her way to me so that we could both find our way to the partners we deserved and were best suited for. If that doesn't sound a bit on the nutty side I am not sure what does; it does however make perfect sense to me!

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Perris, first love horsey style

Perris...my my has that girl taught me a lot.

When I moved to "The Farm" a great friend of mine had her horses here and I quite honestly sat around and just gapped in awe at them, all three of them. There was Easy, Charlie, and Perris when I moved in last Sept (Sept 2009). My experience with horses was limited to one little trail ride I barely remembered at about 14 or 15 and galloping about the playground in elementary school pretending to be on a horse (I was good at it by the way!). I, like every little girl, grew up thinking horses were magical. I did not however have one ounce of experience with actual horses. I grew up in the city for the most part and there is simply no room for horses in the city!

When I first met them I was scared, terrified I suppose is more accurate, however I did try to play it pretty cool; I don't think I fooled Kate or Perris. I know I never fooled Charlie, he still takes every opportunity to let me know that I am anything but experienced enough to "handle" him :-).

I watched Kate like a hawk for months, googled every horse term she tossed out there and tried with all my might to learn all there was to learn about this "horse stuff". I impressed myself with my ability to soak it up of course, that being said I sure wasn't gonna actually get on them. Kate had me get on Easy for about five minutes, had me lead him for about the same, and let me "lunge" him one day when I had first moved in. It was one of the most intimating things I have ever experienced and Easy was just that...easy. I'll never forget what she told me "You have to convince them you are bigger then them". I am not bigger then most people let alone a horse!

Perris, the Princess, or P, depending on my mood was (and still is) quite a different story; she isn't "easy". She came to Kate and Gary (Kate's dad) through her Uncle in Eastern Washington (where Easy lives). Perris is 7 or 8, I can never remember, and truly one of the prettiest horses you will ever see. She looks like a Barbie Doll horse; the cutest face ever and a coat to die for, not to mention the mane and tail on her. She is however very reserved ;-). I don't think she let me touch her for a good three months! With P you have to prove over and over that she can trust you and that you are worthy of her attention. She is very clear about it, if she doesn't want you touching her...you won't touch her!

One day she had twigs all in her mane, I still don't know what she did but they were all over her beautiful long blonde mane! I was a touch braver by this time and fairly convinced that she'd let me near her (I was the treat lady after all), I climbed under the fence and spent about 30 minutes untangling her mane and removing the twigs. It was our bonding moment, we have a great relationship today. She is most definitely my first "horse love" and will always be that; she reminds me of myself so much it's kinda freaky. I firmly believe that it is an honor to be close to me and to touch me...well you better be pretty damn special! I can respect a girl that feels the same and P does :-)

She's helped me get over fears, she's bolstered my confidence and reminded me time and time again that loving someone is an honor.

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Titles & the beginning of the blog

Driving home the other night I was thinking about decisions, how and why we make them; it hit me that I make them according to title which brought to mind just how many titles I have. I am a daughter, a sister, a mom, a grandmother, an aunt, a friend, a "manager/director", and most recently a horse owner.

I've been a mom for over half of my life (I just did the math, it works out to be 59.523809523809526%), most every decision I've ever made has centered around being a "mom". Joshua is nearly 25 (Aug 2nd 2010), over the last few years I've had to come to terms with making decisions that did not center around my "mom" title/hat. I did manage to bring in a few distractions so that I didn't have to let go of that "mom" idea I had in my head; taking in "stray people" to take care of, a desperate move to hang onto the need to care for someone other than myself. The last "stray" person taught me a huge lesson; sometimes "no" does not equal selfish and guilt is no reason to say "yes".

In the last two years or so my life has changed more than I could have ever imagined and yet some core things are still the same. I still work in a profession that is care taking, I still obsess over the right thing to do for Joshua, I still hurt over the why behind the direction he has taken, I still give my work far too much weight, and I still spend the bulk of my time caring for other beings.

The difference, however great, is not terribly visible to most people in my everyday life. Today I do recognize that I am worth taking care of and make a very concerted effort to pay attention to myself. I no longer care for things, living or otherwise, because someone somewhere convinced me that everything and one is more worthy of that care than myself, regardless of title ;-).

That last sentence sums up the change within me over the last few years quite nicely.

The animals have helped me get here; this is really as much about them as it is about me. It all started with Leo, my very best friend in all of the world. He is a beautiful Chow/Lab/Pit mix that I have had since he was a tiny baby. One of my dear friends badgered me for a good year to get a dog, I suppose I have her to thank as well! Leo has brought me comfort like nothing else, when I am sad he is there to sit with me, when I am happy he is there to run with me, when I am doing chores he is right there to get under my feet! We go everywhere possible together and he is really one of the best things that has ever come into my life; I am honored to be his "mom". Not to worry, this blog isn't about the dog! It's about a journey, a journey the animals in my life continue to help me through.

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