Lesson day and magic riding dust

I didn't post yesterday, I was oddly tired after my lesson with Sarah. I can't say that it's justified considering we walked and walked and walked in circles, we jogged a minute or five in total but honestly....we walked. We worked on going about turns in the correct manner, this one of my "action items" (I just like saying that when it's not about work!). I say "one of" because in my head I have five hundred of them after a short walk, pretend to jog lesson with Sarah. The biggest one really should be "get out of your head". I don't think it's on Sarah's list of things for me to do but it's sure on mine; if it is she has been gracious enough to not say it like that! When Sarah says it, it comes out as "relax" literally "relax", a lot more gentle then what I do in my head.

Sarah asked that I let my legs swing with his movement. I swung my legs, I did not let my legs swing. I sat there and thought about it then went about concentrating on something as simple as letting my legs move naturally that I ended up consciously swinging my legs! After that I was so worried about my repeating the same "in my head" way of approaching my body that I couldn't let my legs swing like she had asked. I'm sure we will be walking some serious circles this week, and there will be some leg swinging; it will take me at least three rides to let my legs swing naturally and not feel like a retard. Maybe by next Thursday I'll be able to let my legs swing!

I might understand the reasoning behind the exercise and I might agree completely with the logic/lesson and I would certainly go so far as to say that when done naturally it probably looks like a perfectly normal exercise, not retarded. Me, rather than feel it I try to time it out, count it off in my head, etc... making it all an equation as opposed to a feeling. I have no idea how to get out of my head most of the time. If I could wear my Ipod and have Sarah's coaching come in throughout the songs I bet I'd kick butt at getting out of my head! Is there a gadget like that somewhere? Or how about some magic riding dust? I am 41 you know, starting now is kind of ummm late I'd say.

It's funny, the scariest part in all of this is not really the riding. The riding frustrates me because I want to be perfect and I'd prefer to be perfect right now. I know it's unreasonable but that's really the bottom line there.

The scariest part is the commitment to caring for them. I'm going to compare them to children because it is truly my only frame of reference when I am talking about this kind of a commitment.

When Joshua was a child my whole world revolved around what was best for him, I believe firmly that this is how it should be. They are a gift and I believe doing what is best for them is the least we can do, mind you I did not say "giving them whatever they want". They are counting on you to provide them with the care and help they need. For example, if your child's foot hurts you might take off his shoe, you might put it up, you might ice it, etc... you do whatever is necessary to make sure that foot heals, and at times knowing they may not like the healing process :-)

The commitment is amazing and scary sometimes. Things like the proper car seat matter more than you'd have imagined, you don't even think about what everyone is doing Friday night and/or going out to dinner :-) It just happens, in the blink of an eye you're a "mom"! Typically with that come thoughts like "Oh my god what if I don't know what I am doing, shit what if people figure out I don't know what I am doing, what if I screw up, oh god what if I can't afford this, am I being too hard or too soft...??" It doesn't paralyze you 100% of the time, if it did every woman that had a child would be in a corner rocking back and forth; sooner or later word would spread, that kind of news would leak! We'd stop reproducing and then where would we be?! It's more like an IV drip of worry, nice and steady. I am a mom and a grandma, I am allowed to make that crass a reference! ;-)

That is the single scariest thing about the horses. I don't worry about car seats now, my son is 25 and my grandson is nearly 5. I worry about hay being too dry, if I have enough bedding or need more, if water buckets are clean, if Patch got pushed away from his food after I left (I've been known to play food police quite a bit for him, it probably looks ridiculous!), if Tex is getting enough exercise, winter blankets I need to buy, when the farrier is coming, Patch's teeth, Katie's training, Perris' mane, if Patch's leg is swollen, if Logan's foot is ok (farrier mishap), and of course am I being too hard or too soft? We could tack on the right saddle for Tex, the right saddle for Patch, bridles, hay nets, gravel I need to buy for the area by the barn, ditches that need to be dug, gutters on the barn, a new wheelbarrow, dragging the pasture, can I afford this, and a slew of other things/worries on my "holy shit that's a long list" list!

In the face of that, riding really isn't all that scary ;-)

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