Tolerance, picking battles, & Universal Strings

Now that, my friends, is a clever title!


I'm a very tolerant person. I am pretty sure that my tolerance is a result of having to learn, early on, how to pick my battles.


Hmmmm, that's kind of bullshit.


I am a very tolerant person. I have learned to pick my battles. That isn't bullshit. 


I did not do this early on. I'm not sure that's why I am a tolerant person. That part could be considered bullshit, depending your perspective. 


Joshua taught me how to pick my battles. Without Joshua, I'd probably still be sitting here today wondering why the rest of the world wasn't operating as I saw fit. He surely doesn't know this and he doesn't read my blog so he likely never will. That's not a bad thing, he doesn't need to know :-)


Being tolerant though, that might just be a defense mechanism gone good, if you will. I don't like to fight. I don't like to be in conflict. When I am in conflict I can't write, I can't eat, I usually don't sleep very well, all in all I don't do it well.

There was a ton of conflict when I was growing up. What that conflict was matters little anymore; that the time period was fraught with conflict, well that part matters a great deal.

It created a person that can deal with the conflict of others with ease but shakes in her boots at the thought of conflict touching her. 

We'll take something as simple as a hot spot on a dog. If Buster (a dog I know) got a hot spot and Buster's mom called me I'd be able to assure her that 1. she is not responsible for the hot spot 2. it happens 3. it's easy to treat 4. he will live 5. repeat numbers one (1) through four (4). 

Leo (my dog) gets a hot spot and inside I freak out. I'm a horrible dog mom, I know he is allergic, I should have been more diligent, he may never recover, he could very well chew off his tail and then who's fault would that be! I apply the necessary medicines, give the necessary baths, etc... etc... apologizing the whole time. 

Funny little fact, not many notice this fantastic freak out. 

But it happens, it just usually happens inside. Wow, more bullshit. It always happens inside or the above sentence wouldn't really make much sense would it?

It keeps me honest, if only with myself.

I think it's why I am so very attracted to the likes of Katie, Patch, Rev, and let us not forget P or Brody. When I met Katie she had trust issues. P, trust issues. Rev, too gentle a soul for his own good. Brody, he was simply lost. Patch, much like Rev, he was too gentle a soul for his own good. Patch would walk away before taking the food someone else took from him. Rev, same thing. 

I can relate. I do relate. 

I've always had tremendous respect for Katie and P because they stood by their mistrust (if you will) until proven otherwise. Sounds strange, I am sure, however I understand a girl who keeps herself protected until she has proof she doesn't have to. 

The boys... 

It's odd, with Patch I only remember how he looked before he left. I can hardly picture how it was when he first came home. I know he wasn't in great shape but it seems so far away. No matter how I try I don't remember Patch skinny and in need of healing. I remember him proud and puffed up with his blanketed butt shining in the sun, I remember him standing there looking at me like I was a crazy person for placing his lunch near Tex who was bound to steal it. I remember him cuddling (quite literally) up to my brother (who is afraid of "those animals"). I remember him looking at me that last day with more understanding then most people can muster. I remember every day how gentle a soul he was. I remember every day, how little people understood about him. I remember all that and pray each day that a little of that rubbed off on me.

Brody was just flat out lost. I picture Brody and I can remember how he looked that first day. My goodness what a memorable day it was. No more than a week or so ago, I was standing at the gate, wondering about unicorns, rainbows, and why I have a love for those whom many do not understand; I was looking at Brody. 

I love Brody. I think I fell in love with Brody the minute I placed my hand on him. I didn't want to fall in love with Brody. I was so vulnerable the day I met Brody I might have fallen in love with a chicken with a one leg. However, that day I didn't run into a chicken with one leg; I met Brody. He, quite literally, looked like I felt. I looked at him and I understood, completely, where he was. I looked at him and wanted to cry for where I was. I looked at him and wondered who in the hell was pulling the strings that brought us together, a day after Patch left. What kind of Universe does that? In all honesty, I wasn't pleased. 

As awful as it may sound, I tend to resent whomever is pulling the Universal Strings now and again. 

I do understand Brody. If I cared to be honest, I could admit that I think I understand the Universal Strings that brought us together. I'm not sure I care to be that honest right now.

Rev, perhaps we will close with Rev. Rev's a funny story, of course! There was this lady that rescued this mare. The lady that rescued the mare did the right thing and contacted a rescue. The rescue posted on a social network site asking for help for the mare. All good right? Yep.

I see the posts about the mare. All good right? No.

I have an empty stall. Unfortunately I also have experience with horses that have been neglected/starved. I'm stupid enough to say this aloud (rather type it). 

I end up going to see the mare, whom is in quite capable hands. No need for me to be involved. 

Enter Rev. Gelding, no major issues, sweet as can be, could use a good home. Perhaps a few mild feet issues, probably dental, a few extra groceries... Ummm sweet as can be. Dark, Deep, Almost Black Bay. Gorgeous. Sweet. Rescues are crowded; have I mentioned...empty stall, gorgeous, no major issues, sweet as can be? Rev is the only horse I have brought home sight unseen. I didn't even so much as hesitate. Wonder why?

I kinda know why.

Honestly the fact that I could help the rescue was the biggest piece. Rev was nothing special as far as rescues go. Rev was one of the lucky ones. His owners were having a hard time and they sought out help. When I heard about Rev I was pretty relieved that I had this great opportunity to help without the complications that come with a 'typical' rescue situation. If I am horribly honest I'd probably have to admit that I was more attracted to helping the rescue than I was to Rev.

Funny thing, in Rev, sweetheart that he is, I found ... he understood and I didn't have to explain.

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No fitting title

Sitting here tonight, with the page blank and a million things running through my mind, I decided to spend five minutes on a clever title. A clever title is important; looking for a clever title somewhere in the far corners of my mind where nothing much happens is also a great way to avoid the active parts. So my clever title today is "No fitting title". Impressive I know.

That's a cute opening to my subject matter this evening. Katie, my Impressive bred mare. Now when I say Impressive bred I am not talking adjectives :-)

Actually it involves more than Katie, it involves them all and the tough decisions that come with them. It's the responsibility to do what's right for them even when it's not what you'd wish for you. It's the wrestling that comes with the examination of motive. i.e. Are you doing this because it's right for you? Are you doing this because it's right for them? It's the separation from your own wants in order to see theirs properly. It comes with parenting and lets face it that is precisely what you do when you bring an animal into your home. Yeah, yeah we are their "owners". People call it what they will however the job is the same, constant non-stop care for another being, complete responsibility for their very well being and where animals are concerned their fate. Children have the upper hand finally! Children have a level of control that leaves your hands when they discover they can control their fate in this life, animals are completely dependent. Interesting I hadn't thought of that before.


In any case, it's a heavy responsibility and sometimes it sucks ass. Today I woke knowing Kate and I were going to go show Katie to a local woman whom I have tremendous respect for. It'd be great for Katie, of that there is no doubt. Did I want to do it? No. Did I? Yeah. 


You might wonder why I did it if I didn't want to. I "own" Katie, god knows I have plenty "invested" in Katie. Why in the world would I ever consider giving her away (which I failed to mention was part of it, sorry). 


I'm considering it because Katie would be in an ideal situation. I'm considering it because if I put Katie "on the market" she's going to attract people whom are not suitable for her. That's a lot like setting her up.


I'm considering it because I will not do the "work" that Katie needs to be suitable for those that she attracts. It really has little to do with if I want to do the work or not, I won't. I want to desperately. I can't. That's me, that is not Katie. It's the reality that I am not good enough to give her what she needs to get ready to be suitable. Does that bother me? Fuck yes it does. Does it piss me off that I didn't try harder before with her? Yes it does. Do I think for one second that our relationship, as it stands, under saddle, will ever change? No. Do I blame Katie? God no. Do I blame me? Sure that's obvious however I am becoming more comfortable with the fact that if I wanted to be "good enough" under saddle for a horse like Katie I would be. Truth is, I don't want to work that hard, not right now and perhaps not ever; certainly not soon enough for Katie, and that is the most important part.


I don't think I have ever admitted that. 


Another truth is, I don't think Katie is miserable. Katie is well taken care of, a lady on the ground, polite, lovable, great with the kids fussing over her, and has a herd of boys chasing her tail (literally some days). From a mare's point of view...kinda hard to argue with that.


Another truth is, I'm not independently wealthy and as much as I'd love to let Katie live forever in charge of her little world of handsome geldings...


Another truth is, someone else could love Katie and ride her as well. Katie doesn't object to work, quite the opposite. She reminds me a lot of a child who has spent the last two years in Europe :-) She was great today and my lord I love to see her relax and enjoy what she is doing. She tries so hard, you can see it. 


Another truth is, it's in the figuring. The battles that come to life when you have to decide if you are making the decision based on their needs or your love for them. That's the tough part. That's the part that sucks ass, that's the part that makes me swear and leaves me without a title even now :-)

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Katie, my dilemma, wrapped in shades of Bay

Let's see if I have the courage to tell Katie's story, rather our story. At best, it will make a little sense to someone, somewhere. At worst I will stumble about the page and eventually feel better. It's a blog win-win.

I fell in love with Katie the minute Teresa took the blanket off of her that very first day. I know that Katie is not the most beautiful, fancy, pony out there. To me however, she was the pony little girl dreams are made of. I forgot that I was not a little girl, I forgot that I had just started this horsey journey, I forgot every piece of advice and wisdom my forty some odd year old self had and plumb fell in love.

It wasn't long before I had no choice but to realize I was over-horsed, in love no doubt, over-horsed no real doubt there either. We were a mere six months into our partnership when I faced it and went ahead and put her in training with the intent to find her a better match and purchase another horse whom was a better match for myself. We were in no real hurry. Tex was here with me and we were having a blast. Katie was in fantastic hands, learning new stuff and also having a blast.

I often wonder, if I hadn't wrestled with with my confidence and various voices in my head back then, would Katie and I have eventually worked it out? Often meaning about once a day :-)

In any case, we were all going along just fine until I lost my job. Katie came home, the intent being we would go back to the original plan after mom had a few months to figure out what to do with herself. None of us, back then, had any idea what the future was to bring us. The original plan fell through, I must admit it fell through because mom (me) went in a direction that dissatisfied the other party. I must also admit that I had more than an inclination prior to moving in the direction.

We were still fine. It had been a series of adjustments. Patch left us. His passing still brings a lump to my throat. Texas left us. Katie and Brody went up to Diamond Hill for a bit. Rev came into our lives and eventually Lou came into our lives.

We are still fine however I find myself, once again, wondering what is right for Katie. I know what's right for the boys, I've known what was right for pretty much every horse I have had here on the farm. Katie's well being is the only one I have ever struggled with. It seemingly always comes down to me thinking (believing) that I am not good enough for her. It creates a most uncomfortable experience for us both. Coupled with my recent bout of "not good enough for any of them cause you let Patch die", my riding Katie just results in us frustrating each other. There is a part of me that thinks she knows me better than I care to admit and as a result she misbehaves just enough to keep me on the ground. There is another part of me that wants to threaten to take her cute little ass to the mat on principal alone (so to speak); it's the part of me that knows if I could turn off the voices in my head and relax long enough to break through this, selling Katie would stop being an option.

My mom has been subject to many "Should I sell Katie to someone who is a better rider" conversations. She asked me once, countering my remark about the money spent on Katie's training, "What are you doing with all your training?". My first reaction was "Me? For goodness sake that the problem, I don't have enough!" What she meant of course, was the training and time I had put into my career, which by the way, I was steadfastly not using, happily I might add.

Did Katie really care that she wasn't "working"? I really don't think so anymore. She is the boss of the pasture, she meanders when she wants, runs when she wants, kicks up her heels when she wants, and has three of the best looking geldings in Kitsap County wrestling for her attention. I don't think Katie cares that she isn't working. Truth be told Katie has almost decided that "work" as far as we're concerned is horse crap!

Did I care that Katie had gotten to the edge of "I'm a horse that does nothing, thank you very much."? Yes. Therein lies the dilemma. Katie is smart, Katie has lot of training on her, showing Katie after such a long time without work is unfair to her and anyone that sees her. All that means is that I have to get off my ass, over myself, and do my mare justice. Climbing out of the hole that I have dug with Katie is kinda gonna blow but she deserves it, and if I were honest so do I.

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