Lay it on the line

I talk a lot about faith. I talk a lot about honesty. I talk a lot about growth. I talk a lot about healing. I talk a lot about lessons; I wax poetic about how they relate to the horses. Fact is there have been many lessons, as many lessons as there have been horses. Typically they have presented themselves with uncanny timing; this is not to say that I have always appreciated the timing, much less the lesson. I suspect the biggest lesson is starting. It wasn't a lesson I'd have anticipated when I started this blog. When I started this blog it was about the growth they afforded me through quite a bit of loss; that still holds true. A different type of loss came when I lost my job; subsequently bringing an end to a career that I spent nearly fifteen years building. It turned...

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A new way of thinking

When the animals (starting with Leo) came into my life, I was witness to a new way of thinking. I was presented with a faith that I didn't quite understand. Over the last year I made a conscience decision to change my way of thinking, to shift my view of the world, to allow that level of faith into my world. I did not come to this decision by choice, it was prompted by the loss of my job. That being said it most certainly was a choice, prompted or not. I can't tell you how many times holding onto that faith, the faith of one that can not imagine lying, found me wanting to give up. Then I have a moment or two like the ones I had today and I remember why giving up is simply not an option. Katie was in the arena, just being turned out, nothing work related when Cathy went to get a coffee....

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Mascara, pony tails, and balance

Sometimes it feels as if this has been my life forever. Sometimes it feels like there has always been a parade of very large four legged creatures running through my life. Sometimes it feels like this desire to save one or two or five or ten has always been there. Sometimes water buckets, hay in my bra, and pitch forks seem more natural then putting on mascara. There was a time, not too horribly long ago, when putting on mascara could be done without looking, while driving down I5. There was a time, not too horribly long ago, when how I looked on the outside meant the world to me. There was a time, not too horribly long ago, when my grey hair was horrifying. Tonight I went with Cathy over to Teresa's house for a girls night/hair cutting session. I have done little more then toss my wet hair...

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Ima Cool Skip Kid

Katie, officially Ima Cool Skip Kid, is my mare. She is roughly 14.2; I suspect she exceeds the official "pony" measurement however I also suspect that I don't care either which way anymore. I did, at one time, care a great deal that Katie was officially a "pony".  She's also "Impressive Bred"; not necessarily looked at a a good thing. Words like "hot" often come up. Is Katie "hot"; suppose it depends who you ask. I say Katie is as sensitive as she is intelligent and as a result of that well many are put off by her opinions, and she has them. I do think she is "Hot" however I am pretty sure my definition is a touch different (you gotta see her). Fact is Katie has a bad reputation. She's difficult, she's bitchy, she's this, she's that. I'd like to clear up a few things. Katie is gorgeous,...

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Looking closer to home...

A little over a year ago I started this blog. It was after an evening at Diamond Hill Ranch, watching Katie free jump under Sarah's care. I left that evening wondering if I would ever find a place in this world I wanted so badly to be a part of. I left that evening wondering if I would ever do justice to the wonderful mare that I 'owned'. Honestly I left that evening pretty convinced that I would never be able to 'do her justice'. I left that evening feeling a little sorry for myself. Today, Katie is home. Today, Katie doesn't wait in her stall until it is time to 'work'. Today, Katie eats breakfast in her stall and then she goes outside to play with Brody. Today, I greet Katie with a kiss nearly every morning. Today, when I say "scoot your butt" she moves. Today, I could toss on...

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"Oh my, you smell like a horse"

Earlier I went up to clean the stalls and Katie came to visit. She likes to stick her head in the window and watch; if I am in Brody's stall she usually gets to munch on the hay he left on the window ledge (he takes a bite, goes to the window, repeat. A lot of hay ends up outside his window and on the ledge!) so it's a win win for the Princess. I tend to sing to her, kiss her big old nose, and tell her a bit about my day. Today when she stuck her head in the window and I went over to brush the dirt off her neck, perhaps grab a horsey kiss before the real shoveling started, I noticed that she actually smelled like a horse. Because my filter is never in place with the ponies, my first comment to her was "Oh my! You smell like a horse!". Katie usually smells prettier then her mom ;-) I am obsessed...

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The Princess, AKA P

So Kate and I were talking, those of you that know Kate and I probably have a damn good idea where this story is going! See there is this horse ;-) I couldn't resist! There is of course a horse in the story, the nice thing is this is a current horse. We aren't sitting about trying to figure out where and which one of us can house a poor horse that is without a home; we are talking about my first horsey love, the wonderful Miss P. Kate has said that P could come hang out at the barn and I could work with her. P is my dream horse, she has been my dream horse since the moment I picked those tangles out of her mane. I feel safe with P, I know P, I trust P and I plain old love the hell out of that horse. I would have absolutely NO problem taking an hour out of my day to work with P. Those...

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There's dog food in the bathroom

I was walking through the house today realizing that it was probably more messy & disorganized then it's been in any recent history. I made my way into the bathroom, looked to the floor and thought to myself "great there's dog food in the bathroom"; that about summed it up. It's been a messy & disorganized couple of months. I attribute it to the amount of loss this last year has handed us here at the farm, Patch being the most recent. Texas is going back home to Sarah's on Sunday & I am hoping that will conclude the string of losses this year. We could all use a bit of a break. At least with Texas I know he's gonna be just as loved as he ever was so although I've shed the tears and will do more of the same this weekend I can do so knowing he's going to be fine. It's...

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CraigsList.Org & Masochistic Tendencies

I comb the For Sale listings in "Farm & Garden" on CraigsList daily. I do not "browse" I comb. It is an addiction and slightly masochistic considering what I am "combing" for. Ponies, ponies, and more ponies. Ponies that have served their "owners" and find themselves at 20 with no "job", rendering them "useless". Ponies that were bred cause "babies are cute". Ponies that have had one tragedy followed by the next. Ponies that, for the most part, no one wants. This is not to say there are not legitimate sales on Craigslist. This is to say that my bleeding heart, tree hugging, animal loving, liberal self can't seem to find her way to any ad that displays a perfectly good pony/horse owned by a person I'd respect. I gloss over those, they don't have a "story"; well perhaps it's...

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He really does make me smile

Brody was great tonight when I insisted that he needed jamma's. He really does make me smile....

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Time travel, past lives, and all that we become

26 years, one month, and ten days ago I gave birth to my son Joshua. Five or so minutes ago I shed a few tears for that girl. Leo was on the porch and heard me, he came over to my chair, licked my hand, climbed up on the chair arm and rested his head on my arm for a minute before settling under my desk. How anyone can discount the compassion in animals I'll never know. It also brought me back to today. Sitting here today I like who I am, I also respect the girl I was back then. The former is a statement that has held true for awhile, the latter is very recent. About two weeks ago a friend of mine changed the very fabric of my life by locating the man whom had fathered Joshua. To say this was a shock is probably the understatement of my life, as well as Joshua's. Two weeks ago I started...

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Self indulgence

I woke this morning, fed the horses in slippers and headed back to the couch to cuddle with Leo. I stayed there until about 10am. I had a dream that Leo got clipped by a car. Later that morning Leo disappeared to the creek and I spent ten minutes calling his name expecting every horrible thing you can imagine. He finally came screaming up the pasture, ears flat on his head, doing at least fifteen miles an hour, covered in mud from his chest down. I was walking up to the top of the pasture pretending that I wasn't walking the fence line in fear that the dream had come true. We made our way to the beach with the kids and Leo in tow. We walked the beach, turned over logs and saw crabs. We picked up crabs smaller than my thumb. Met a super cool Canadian Goose and gave him my bottled water...

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Time & all that jazz

They say time heals. I don't think time heals, it can't heal, it's just time. What you do with that time, that's what heals. I thought that last night when I was remembering my dad, it was his birthday. I thought that last night when I remembered my son's teenage years. I thought that last night when I remembered my Aunt, my brother, and Patch, I even threw in my software career for good measure. I'm not even sure why I'm not angry. I'm pretty sure that if I were, it'd be justified. Then I came back from turning the lights off in the barn. Having finished delivering the "lights out" hay, standing next to Texas, my hand resting on his rump, my head laid against the same, I wondered how, in the presence of the most forgiving animals on the planet, I thought...

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I could have bought a fish...

Tonight while I sat and took random pictures of the horses from the hammock, I felt the weight of them in a way that rarely strikes me. They aren't perfect; it's not all pretty pictures and lackadaisical romps about the 'arena' or the 'trail system' (on a really good day!). Katie is pissed, for example. I also think Katie is in season; either that or Texas has also lost his mind! Season or not Katie is pissed and whereas Katie needs to get over herself I need to help her do that in a way that is safe for Katie. What does that mean with Katie in this circumstance? It means it means spending time with her, just normal, do nothing, one on one time, even when I'd much rather let her twirl her big butt around the stall cause she is pissed. Reminding her that yes, she is The Princess...

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Birthdays, Brody, and a few rainbows tossed in

Yesterday was my birthday and the first time in five years it wasn't celebrated with my AvaAnniversary. For that I continue to be grateful. We had company and a nice relaxing day at the farm. I made rainbows with the sprinkler, thought of Melissa and her love of rainbows. I tried conjuring up a unicorn but I fell a bit short. :-) I still sit down to write and go immediately to Patch. I can't express how badly I miss him. Every day I see his spotted little rear end meandering over to me when I am cleaning stalls, I look out the front door and wonder why no one comes to the door for treats anymore...I don't suppose I'll get over Patch anytime soon, he was so very special. Brody is doing well. I am not sure how much weight has gone back on him however I do know he is eating better and it shows....

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Keeping it light

It's kinda hard to believe it's been only three weeks since Patch left. I find it easier to think of it like that. Brody is home, he is amazing and doing well. When I am better able to write, I plan on documenting his progress. Leo is doing well, hot spot and all. He's been pretty cuddly these last few weeks. He generally sleeps at the foot of the bed, lately he is right next to me curled up as if we were puzzle pieces. I appreciate every second. Katie and Tex are still pretty glued to one another however Tex is trying very hard to make friends with Brody. That's kinda nice to see considering who we are talking about :-) I suppose "sweet" is more apt however Tex might not appreciate the word as much as I do. Katie is reaching out as well, preening is probably more apt however...

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The debt is mine, Part two

I couldn't really see "stop touching him" as an option. I felt like an awkward little kid asking if I could go in with him. I knew I was afraid of going in there with him and prayed no one else could see it. So I kicked the dirt with my, ever muddy, tennis shoes and felt five years old asking Drea if I could go in to see him. For the record this fear had nothing to do with being hurt by him. I was kind of embarrassed by how how badly I wanted to go in there with him, almost as if I had been caught kissing the boy I swore I did NOT like. I suppose I didn't really want Drea or Kate to know how flippin' hopeless I was.  I was renting out the extra stall. I did not want this gelding moving in. My interest was no deeper then your basic sympathy for his plight. Touching...

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The debt is mine, Part one

I think a lot, I analyze every thing, every motive, every possibility (real or imagined). It often drives me crazy and god help the people that have to listen to the process. We just lost Patch, I say we because I didn't corner the market on Patch and when he left us he left a huge "us". In the same respect I just lost Patch; me, the Carol that I was before he was gone, she lost Patch. He was never "mine" but when he left so did a very special relationship, as a result I am forever changed.  I am pretty sure I'll feel the loss for years to come, he was such an amazing soul. I had no idea what I was in for when Kate told me that a mutual friend was taking this "pony" to the game farm.  I wanted a pony for my grandson, he was four. I didn't really ever expect to find a pony for...

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Texas, teeth rubbing & shoulder licking

I haven't talked much about Katie and Texas lately however the last few days I've been watching them settle in and made a few observations. My mom and I talk about the interaction animals have that we, as people, tend to discount. Recently her dog got hurt while playing with another dog at the dog park and now Tink won't play with the other dog (which makes the other dog upset). This has been going on for nearly a week I think. I think Tink has decided Abbey is just no longer her friend, Abbey however has yet to accept this. Tex and Katie have always sorta been in love with each other and they are also pretty strong personalities. They chased and bossed Patch around as often as they do Leo. It'd go a little like this, Tex would push Katie up the hill, around the barn, away from...

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Rainbows, Unicorns, & all that is practical

I was told the other day by a "horse professional" (and I will leave it at that cause whom said it isn't as important as the fact that it was said) that the difference between this person and myself was simple; they were practical and I was impractical. It was said as I was explaining what happened to Patch and added how the grief for this horse had brought me to my knees. That's when the "impractical vs. practical" comment was made. I choose not to voice my opinion right then or frankly to this person; it would do me no good. I woke this morning and my very first thought was about Patch. I had never ever considered the possibility of Patch leaving. It quite honestly never occurred to me, or perhaps "unheard of" would better describe my feelings surrounding the possibility....

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Patch

I'm almost afraid to touch the subject of Patch. I'm still lost somewhere in that hour before I saw him standing there holding his leg in the oddest position. I was walking to the store, that's not odd. They all followed me through the pasture, it's a short cut, that's not odd. When I told them "No Tex, no Katie, Patch go back" it was not odd. When I heard them running as I made my way up the road, it was not odd. There was nothing remarkable about the exchange, nothing at all. I walked away, sorta shaking my head at the "antics". I came back, no less than an hour and a half later, and saw Patch standing stock still, looking my way, holding his leg in a position that even I could see from a distance (I'm half blind at a distance) was really really bad. I remember walking...

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The trouble with poetry (and ponies)

Recently I put a collection of my poetry together and published it through Amazon as well as Barnes and Nobel. Not long after I put it on Amazon and saw a few sales, but a relatively flat response, I started to wonder. I did not advertise it with anything more than minimal effort however even with that minimal effort a little interest could be reasonably expected. I wondered what it was about poetry that made most everyone shy away, perhaps applaud the "courage" they thought it took to expose yourself in such a manner however consuming it (for lack of a better word) not so much. Let's face it, people don't generally read poetry, a lot of people have preconceived notions that play into that but by in large I believe it is because we don't want to think. We really don't have to anymore,...

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Patch, a lesson in listening

Last Saturday we had company on the farm and there were small people that wanted to pay attention to the ponies, the ponies love this. They get brushed on, talked to sweetly, and treats are generally involved. On Tuesday we had company again. There was some brushing, there was some ohh and ahh'ng, there were pieces of melon, and there was a lot of sweet talk. The children involved in both cases were no younger than nine and not ever in the presence of the ponies without myself and or Dale. Texas and Katie loved this. I could wax poetic about the feeling of joy that comes when I see a young person touch a tail and light up like a shooting star however that is another post. Patch was not a big fan. He tolerated this "pretty pretty pony" thing I had going on with the little people on Saturday,...

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Tiny Budda experiment part one

In one of the daily Tiny Budda emails that come daily (if you are wise enough to subscribe) there was a list of questions. It took me eight days of off and on thinking to answers these questions, oddly enough the answers I put down were no different then the answers I had eight days ago. What I was pondering all those eight days was more how to phrase the answers as opposed to what the answers really were. I answered them this evening, short and simple. I resisted my urge to elaborate on each answer, instead I emailed them back, in the short version, to the friend that originally sent me the email (it was before I was wise enough to subscribe myself!). I'm going to use the blog to elaborate on the questions, one by one. They are great questions, questions I'd recommend answering. I am also...

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