I couldn't really see "stop touching him" as an option.
I felt like an awkward little kid asking if I could go in with him. I knew I was afraid of going in there with him and prayed no one else could see it. So I kicked the dirt with my, ever muddy, tennis shoes and felt five years old asking Drea if I could go in to see him. For the record this fear had nothing to do with being hurt by him. I was kind of embarrassed by how how badly I wanted to go in there with him, almost as if I had been caught kissing the boy I swore I did NOT like. I suppose I didn't really want Drea or Kate to know how flippin' hopeless I was. I was renting out the extra stall. I did not want this gelding moving in. My interest was no deeper then your basic sympathy for his plight. Touching him wasn't going to send a lightning bolt through the sunshine for my self delusion plus Kate and Drea weren't going to notice a damn thing, they were chatting.
I laid my hands on him and felt him lean into me. I couldn't help but think that he needed to somehow find his way back, back to himself. It was as if he knew with each push against my hand that he was disconnected.
When I first met Brody, I was all but drowning in grief. It was the very day after Patch had to be put down. I thought long and hard in the week that followed about what I felt when I first met Brody; was it Brody or was it my grief that was reaching out to me? I also felt guilty, like I was somehow cheating on Patch by even entertaining the thought.
Then I went back and ended up in his paddock feeling him lean into my hands. I could feel Patch with me however it wasn't grief and it was not guilt. I closed my eyes and just felt for a few, tried to listen to this Universe that had pissed me off so badly the last couple weeks. Somewhere in that moment I could feel Patch nodding in approval, letting me know that it was ok, that the motives weren't to replace him and he knew that.
I feel a little crazy admitting it but I was testing this belief that there was a lot more to this than me simply feeling for Brody's circumstance, that these connections I felt weren't one sided or based in grief. With every touch I had been asking Brody the same question. I believed I felt the answer with every gentle push into my hands. When we stood face to face with his chin in my hand I believed he answered me. I wanted confirmation I suppose, so I went and sat on the edge of his stall and offered him my hand, quite literally.
He came over. He nuzzled a bit then looked at me sitting there as if it was all a touch confusing for him as well. He stepped around me then and went to eat. I got up and followed him in. I apologized for bothering him while he ate and remarked at how dirty petting him had made my hands. I did toss in that I didn't care, I was dirty all the time anyway.
Kate's phone had rung twice, it was Joshua. He was waiting at Albertson's with groceries; we were only supposed to be gone for "just a little bit". I knew I had to leave, Kate knew we had to leave. I honestly wasn't ready and finally announced that I ought to stop bothering him while he ate and get out of there. I'm pretty sure the announcement was for me.
As we left I blithely (cool word isnt it?) tossed out "gosh I want him & I'll send you pictures of my "Pony Paradise" I heard Drea's response of "I think it'd be a great fit" as we got closer to the car.
We got back here and I showed off my newly cleaned barn to Kate and remembered the pictures I took of "Pony Paradise" for the ad. Finally standing down looking at the front yard I asked Kate if she thought this was the dumbest idea ever. She said what I already knew; from an economic stand point of course it was a dumb idea (when isn't a 1000 pound eating machine a dumb idea economically?) however from a "he needs you and you need him" stand point it was the only idea. God knows when I started looking to the ground for answers when I was confused but I found myself, once again, kicking the dirt and shaking my head.
After Kate left, rather than obsess, cause we all know I don't do that, I went about looking at the pictures I took. I deluded myself into thinking I was putting this album together for the potential boarder that made more sense then anything else. As I added captions I knew Drea would be the only person to see the pictures, I finished them up and wrote her an email. There was still a part of me that hoped she'd think I was a looney tunes with my talk of approval from Patch and tell me that Brody needed a sane person.
I went to bed that evening and dreamt of Patch, we talked. I woke feeling wonderful. I knew that if Brody were meant to be here, he'd be here. I knew that Patch wasn't concerned that I was replacing him. I knew that Patch wanted me to share all he taught me with Brody.
I am almost over thinking I am a lunatic for believing all that I believe where they are concerned. I'm almost over being embarrassed to admit that the logical person I try to show the world is simply a small part of who I am. I am "touchy, feely, new aged freaky" about them (animals). I do believe that Brody knew what I was asking and I do believe he answered me in the only language available to him. I do believe that Patch approves and I firmly believe he was there with me through every confusing moment.
Patch was very disconnected when I first met him; in helping him find his way back to himself he helped me find my way back to myself. A lot of people will tell you that horses changed their lives; loving them changed them as a person. For me, they helped me find my way back to who I have always been. They helped me, and are helping me still, to not be so afraid of who I am. For that, the debt is mine.
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