26 years, one month, and ten days ago I gave birth to my son Joshua.
Five or so minutes ago I shed a few tears for that girl. Leo was on the porch and heard me, he came over to my chair, licked my hand, climbed up on the chair arm and rested his head on my arm for a minute before settling under my desk. How anyone can discount the compassion in animals I'll never know.
It also brought me back to today. Sitting here today I like who I am, I also respect the girl I was back then. The former is a statement that has held true for awhile, the latter is very recent.
About two weeks ago a friend of mine changed the very fabric of my life by locating the man whom had fathered Joshua. To say this was a shock is probably the understatement of my life, as well as Joshua's. Two weeks ago I started looking back, remembering things I had long since forgotten, examining decisions made by a person I was so far away from being today that I spent a lot of time shaking my head. I must admit, I had forgotten all about her; it all feels like five lifetimes ago. I still can't put it to words, I still don't understand it all, I still have no idea how it will shake out. I'm still desperately confused about what this means for myself and the one person in the world that I'd lay over railroad tracks for. There is nothing that compares to what you feel for your child, there are very few words that can do it justice. I rarely write on Joshua because of that, today is no different, it's still nearly impossible for me to write about him.
Today what is different is that I do know that the very confused little girl that gave birth to him deserves some respect. Hiding her in some closet because she was a mere 16 is grossly unfair. To know that I was still punishing her and judging her is hard to process. When had I forgotten that she was the reason I made it through what could have turned into a teen-aged tragedy? Why had I forgotten that?
In speaking to my mom last night I gushed on about how great it was too feel like myself again; it had been two weeks since I felt even close to normal and I attributed this to an epiphany I had standing around the barn feeding everyone their last meal of the day. I was talking to Katie for a few minutes about her crabby face behavior and kissing her nose when it hit me that I was actually a pretty damned good person in spite of all the chaos that colored my early years. I wasn't bitter, I wasn't angry, my life hadn't been a statistic; I was actually a pretty darned good person. I had no reason to carry this shame surrounding my age when Joshua was born, I actually had reason to be proud of who I was and what I had done, the odds we had beat. I can't say that I'm entirely comfortable with being proud of it all quite yet however I am closer.
It's funny, not ha ha funny, how the animals in my life continue to remind me who I am. Katie didn't 'do' much, she just let me kiss her nose and returned the favor with a sloppy smudge to my cheek. Still that simple kiss from her reminded me that I was a person full of compassion, love, understanding, intelligence, and faith. Today when I sat to write and ended up tearing up Leo simply came over to remind me that he loved me, that it was ok, that the faith I held onto was righteous. One more huge lesson delivered through the ones that can not speak...amazing, just amazing.
Five or so minutes ago I shed a few tears for that girl. Leo was on the porch and heard me, he came over to my chair, licked my hand, climbed up on the chair arm and rested his head on my arm for a minute before settling under my desk. How anyone can discount the compassion in animals I'll never know.
It also brought me back to today. Sitting here today I like who I am, I also respect the girl I was back then. The former is a statement that has held true for awhile, the latter is very recent.
About two weeks ago a friend of mine changed the very fabric of my life by locating the man whom had fathered Joshua. To say this was a shock is probably the understatement of my life, as well as Joshua's. Two weeks ago I started looking back, remembering things I had long since forgotten, examining decisions made by a person I was so far away from being today that I spent a lot of time shaking my head. I must admit, I had forgotten all about her; it all feels like five lifetimes ago. I still can't put it to words, I still don't understand it all, I still have no idea how it will shake out. I'm still desperately confused about what this means for myself and the one person in the world that I'd lay over railroad tracks for. There is nothing that compares to what you feel for your child, there are very few words that can do it justice. I rarely write on Joshua because of that, today is no different, it's still nearly impossible for me to write about him.
Today what is different is that I do know that the very confused little girl that gave birth to him deserves some respect. Hiding her in some closet because she was a mere 16 is grossly unfair. To know that I was still punishing her and judging her is hard to process. When had I forgotten that she was the reason I made it through what could have turned into a teen-aged tragedy? Why had I forgotten that?
In speaking to my mom last night I gushed on about how great it was too feel like myself again; it had been two weeks since I felt even close to normal and I attributed this to an epiphany I had standing around the barn feeding everyone their last meal of the day. I was talking to Katie for a few minutes about her crabby face behavior and kissing her nose when it hit me that I was actually a pretty damned good person in spite of all the chaos that colored my early years. I wasn't bitter, I wasn't angry, my life hadn't been a statistic; I was actually a pretty darned good person. I had no reason to carry this shame surrounding my age when Joshua was born, I actually had reason to be proud of who I was and what I had done, the odds we had beat. I can't say that I'm entirely comfortable with being proud of it all quite yet however I am closer.
It's funny, not ha ha funny, how the animals in my life continue to remind me who I am. Katie didn't 'do' much, she just let me kiss her nose and returned the favor with a sloppy smudge to my cheek. Still that simple kiss from her reminded me that I was a person full of compassion, love, understanding, intelligence, and faith. Today when I sat to write and ended up tearing up Leo simply came over to remind me that he loved me, that it was ok, that the faith I held onto was righteous. One more huge lesson delivered through the ones that can not speak...amazing, just amazing.
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