I like to think I am profound

It's been quite a few days since I have written. I've been pretty preoccupied I guess; obsessing over every little thing your head until nothing makes sense leaves very little free time ;-)

Tex got limpy, that freaked me out. He is fine, I was a mess. I am a quiet mess though so a lot of times people don't know it, unless you are one of the unfortunate few I spew to when I can't keep quiet anymore! It's like a data dump of information you never asked for! I had myself convinced that Sarah was gonna come over with her trailer and declare me unfit. I can't recall the last time I gave myself such a hard time.

The logical me knows that he is a horse, he is inevitably going to hurt himself. I can say the same thing of Leo, he's a dog and inevitably he is gong to find himself in some situation where he cuts himself or eats something bad for him or god forbid gets hurt by another animal (horses included). I'm not outwardly irrational; outwardly, funny that just slipped out! Anyway I am pretty rational person, I think logically about most things and love facts.

I don't freak out in a crisis, outwardly at least! I did raise a challenging teenager (grossly understated here), crisis was a pretty regular visitor at our house.

Tex hurting himself and me looking for what I did wrong for two solid days, a little less today, brought all kinds of feelings up. Perhaps it was the realization that he is as fragile as the rest of us, humans, donkeys, ducks, whatever. He can get hurt, it is my responsibility to make sure that is kept at a bare bare minimum and to assist him through the hurts that are inevitable. I use the word responsibility in the most positive way you can imagine. I view it as a great honor to be able to care for them; with great honor comes responsibility.

You'd think the weight of the responsibility would be the part that freaked me out. They are expensive, heck they have clothes, and goodness knows a trip to the doctor isn't going to be a simple 30.00 co-pay. I knew all that going in so that doesn't really freak me out.

You might even think the work involved, the physical acts of cleaning up after them, washing water buckets, flinging hay, etc would do it. I am a city girl, I could be horrified at that aspect ;-)

It could even be the schedule they create; right after I get to a point in my life where there are no kids to dictate if I can go to the mountains for the weekend on a whim, I take up horses.

It isn't any of that.

It's the fear that with my limited troubleshooting skills something could be wrong and I wouldn't catch it. It is silly you see cause I have plenty of people around me to help and I do notice when something is off with one of them and ask questions. My instincts are pretty spot on and I pay a lot of attention to what they do and how they act. I just don't have a flippin clue what to do when someone looks "off" so I ask a million questions and research my butt off. I do however recognize a change in behavior, I spend a lot of time with them.

It's the fear of not being able to give them the best life possible. That one is just downright stupid, even I know that. I can't even say that if staying with me was not the best life for one of them that I'd keep them cause I "love" them so much. Christ look at Katie. Their best interest is always considered so being afraid that I won't give them the best life possible is just downright stupid. Of course I will, it is who I am, it's what I do and it's what they deserve.

Even knowing that everything above is true...the minute I saw Tex come limping toward me I felt my heart skip about five beats and my stomach was somewhere in the gravel. Goodness last week he had some gook (technical term) in his eye and I was petrified. Seeing him limp...was god awful.

I spent every minute thinking about it, repeating to myself "no Carol his leg will not fall off". It was just ridiculous. I am watching the clock right now cause I want to go back to the barn but I promised I'd let him eat before I went and fussed over him a bit more. He probably thinks I am fruitcake.

Hell I think I am a fruitcake right now which sucks because I like to think I am profound!

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Putting it all back together

A dear friend of mine recently lost someone she loved a great deal, she asked me when it stopped being hard, when the pain stopped being on the forefront, when you stopped being downright pissed off! Somewhere during the conversation I mentioned the animals and how loving them had "saved me". I've light-heartedly said this before however during that conversation I realized I completely meant it; there was nothing light-hearted about it.

I recently lost someone, two someones, that were terribly important to me. When I moved to the farm my poor mom was so worried. My Aunt, and by Aunt I mean not only was she my mom's sister she was probably second only to my mom in shaping the woman sitting here today, had been killed a year before (almost exactly). My brother had died in a horrible accident a mere six months prior and pronounced "officially deceased" only four months prior (they didn't discover his body for six weeks). They were both gone within a year, the trial for my Aunt's murder (drunk driver hit her) wasn't even close to wrapping up when we heard of my brother's accident, coincidently also a drinking related accident.

I called my mom and told her about the farm house. Kate was moving, Lyndsey was moving, I could take it over. It is truly a charming little place and perfect for me. Scotty, my younger brother, walked in when we looked at it and said "This is you Carol". There is character everywhere you look; it's cozy and it's cute with it's one bathroom, oil heat and breezy windows! Scotty really did nail it. My mom however heard only this "there are eight acres and Kate's horses are going to stay!"

Have you ever heard that you are not supposed to make "important life changing decisions" in a state of grief? My mom certainly had and she pointed it out. She only heard "eight acres to tend to and the woman has never mowed a day in her life AND a chance to focus on something other than herself" and I love her for it. She was right, for the record. That being said I don't think either of us knew that this shift of focus was actually positive. I can't blame her because usually my MO is to shift the focus away from me to care for someone else so that I can forget about me. If I were her I'd have thought "Oh great she's not be burying herself in work, she's burying herself in yard work and horse shit!"

Caring for them however has done the opposite; I am actually more focused on "me" then I have ever been. To go one better I am more focused on my health than I've been in the past and a lot of that is cause I want to be the best "me" possible for them. I don't want to be the "best me" cause I am obligated, I want to be that because somehow caring for them takes care of me and I'd like as much time as possible to enjoy that!

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An especially worried day

I'll just put it out there, sometimes it is downright hard keeping up with everything and once in awhile I wonder why I decided to make this commitment. I could have taken up tropical fish ya know!

There is so much to learn it can be mind boggling and whereas some of this life with them that I have chosen feels instinctual, knowing what to do with the instinct is often the challenge. I am forever making sure things are just right and when I get it right I suspect a lot of it is, just has to be, dumb luck because I sure didn't have any working knowledge when I moved in. Or maybe it's mom commonsense kicking in and saving me from a disaster? Maybe it should be called momsense?

Everyday I am delivered things to remind me that I haven't thought of everything, it's humbling sometimes. Today Patch stepped on a rock in the driveway when we were going back to the barn, this is because the gravel needs to be replaced. This is a simple problem, a simple fix and the work around (as to not hurt their feet, it also made Perris uncomfortable) is to not walk down it, go around, no big deal. On an especially worried day I can turn that simple gravel thing into quite a big deal. "There is a lot, you know that, you need the advice of others cause this is brand spankin' new for you, there is only shame in either of those things if you don't seek out advice" That is the pep talk I give myself on especially worried days.

I will be asking Kate's dad all about gravel in the next day or so; I don't know the first thing about putting fresh gravel on the drive and what exactly needs to be done to control the mud. I have an idea, still I don't really know, so I will ask.

I have been riding, everyday as planned. I even tried to post without stirrups. I think I manage to not fall apart for about 10 seconds at a time! We're gonna keep at it, slowly. Actually I want to try it on the lunge line, I should talk to Sarah. Once I ask, I will have to do it! That's a lot of work! I will ask her though cause I do want to get to where I enjoy it and not dread it, the only way I know how to get there is to practice.

I rode Patch today; there is something bothering him, I am pretty sure of that. I'm not sure what it is though, again I am going to ask Sarah about it. I know he is not comfortable sometimes, I can feel that. I am not sure however what it is; let's be honest, I have no idea. Today I got off him once and then back on him, I did it a second time and when attempting to get back on he was not having it. I got off the first time to adjust the reins which appeared crooked to me, no big deal. The second time I got off was for equally unimportant reasons however when I attempted to get back on he was downright upset at the idea. When we were riding we were fine. It seems he wants to trot but we're just walking, for the most part he stayed at a walk. However you can feel that he wants to go. I am not sure why he wants to go go go. It could be circumstantial or it could be that he is physically uncomfortable. I don't know which it is. He's the nicest guy in the world and if something is making riding uncomfortable I'd like to know what that is so we can help him, if it's circumstantial we'll work through that too. On an especially worried day I can turn his not wanting to cooperate into all kinds of things that point to me not knowing this or that so I'll ask...

I just got back from the barn and all is well. It really has been an especially worried day, I'll let it go at that. ;-)

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