I like to think I am profound

It's been quite a few days since I have written. I've been pretty preoccupied I guess; obsessing over every little thing your head until nothing makes sense leaves very little free time ;-)

Tex got limpy, that freaked me out. He is fine, I was a mess. I am a quiet mess though so a lot of times people don't know it, unless you are one of the unfortunate few I spew to when I can't keep quiet anymore! It's like a data dump of information you never asked for! I had myself convinced that Sarah was gonna come over with her trailer and declare me unfit. I can't recall the last time I gave myself such a hard time.

The logical me knows that he is a horse, he is inevitably going to hurt himself. I can say the same thing of Leo, he's a dog and inevitably he is gong to find himself in some situation where he cuts himself or eats something bad for him or god forbid gets hurt by another animal (horses included). I'm not outwardly irrational; outwardly, funny that just slipped out! Anyway I am pretty rational person, I think logically about most things and love facts.

I don't freak out in a crisis, outwardly at least! I did raise a challenging teenager (grossly understated here), crisis was a pretty regular visitor at our house.

Tex hurting himself and me looking for what I did wrong for two solid days, a little less today, brought all kinds of feelings up. Perhaps it was the realization that he is as fragile as the rest of us, humans, donkeys, ducks, whatever. He can get hurt, it is my responsibility to make sure that is kept at a bare bare minimum and to assist him through the hurts that are inevitable. I use the word responsibility in the most positive way you can imagine. I view it as a great honor to be able to care for them; with great honor comes responsibility.

You'd think the weight of the responsibility would be the part that freaked me out. They are expensive, heck they have clothes, and goodness knows a trip to the doctor isn't going to be a simple 30.00 co-pay. I knew all that going in so that doesn't really freak me out.

You might even think the work involved, the physical acts of cleaning up after them, washing water buckets, flinging hay, etc would do it. I am a city girl, I could be horrified at that aspect ;-)

It could even be the schedule they create; right after I get to a point in my life where there are no kids to dictate if I can go to the mountains for the weekend on a whim, I take up horses.

It isn't any of that.

It's the fear that with my limited troubleshooting skills something could be wrong and I wouldn't catch it. It is silly you see cause I have plenty of people around me to help and I do notice when something is off with one of them and ask questions. My instincts are pretty spot on and I pay a lot of attention to what they do and how they act. I just don't have a flippin clue what to do when someone looks "off" so I ask a million questions and research my butt off. I do however recognize a change in behavior, I spend a lot of time with them.

It's the fear of not being able to give them the best life possible. That one is just downright stupid, even I know that. I can't even say that if staying with me was not the best life for one of them that I'd keep them cause I "love" them so much. Christ look at Katie. Their best interest is always considered so being afraid that I won't give them the best life possible is just downright stupid. Of course I will, it is who I am, it's what I do and it's what they deserve.

Even knowing that everything above is true...the minute I saw Tex come limping toward me I felt my heart skip about five beats and my stomach was somewhere in the gravel. Goodness last week he had some gook (technical term) in his eye and I was petrified. Seeing him limp...was god awful.

I spent every minute thinking about it, repeating to myself "no Carol his leg will not fall off". It was just ridiculous. I am watching the clock right now cause I want to go back to the barn but I promised I'd let him eat before I went and fussed over him a bit more. He probably thinks I am fruitcake.

Hell I think I am a fruitcake right now which sucks because I like to think I am profound!

Posted in: