Putting it all back together

A dear friend of mine recently lost someone she loved a great deal, she asked me when it stopped being hard, when the pain stopped being on the forefront, when you stopped being downright pissed off! Somewhere during the conversation I mentioned the animals and how loving them had "saved me". I've light-heartedly said this before however during that conversation I realized I completely meant it; there was nothing light-hearted about it.

I recently lost someone, two someones, that were terribly important to me. When I moved to the farm my poor mom was so worried. My Aunt, and by Aunt I mean not only was she my mom's sister she was probably second only to my mom in shaping the woman sitting here today, had been killed a year before (almost exactly). My brother had died in a horrible accident a mere six months prior and pronounced "officially deceased" only four months prior (they didn't discover his body for six weeks). They were both gone within a year, the trial for my Aunt's murder (drunk driver hit her) wasn't even close to wrapping up when we heard of my brother's accident, coincidently also a drinking related accident.

I called my mom and told her about the farm house. Kate was moving, Lyndsey was moving, I could take it over. It is truly a charming little place and perfect for me. Scotty, my younger brother, walked in when we looked at it and said "This is you Carol". There is character everywhere you look; it's cozy and it's cute with it's one bathroom, oil heat and breezy windows! Scotty really did nail it. My mom however heard only this "there are eight acres and Kate's horses are going to stay!"

Have you ever heard that you are not supposed to make "important life changing decisions" in a state of grief? My mom certainly had and she pointed it out. She only heard "eight acres to tend to and the woman has never mowed a day in her life AND a chance to focus on something other than herself" and I love her for it. She was right, for the record. That being said I don't think either of us knew that this shift of focus was actually positive. I can't blame her because usually my MO is to shift the focus away from me to care for someone else so that I can forget about me. If I were her I'd have thought "Oh great she's not be burying herself in work, she's burying herself in yard work and horse shit!"

Caring for them however has done the opposite; I am actually more focused on "me" then I have ever been. To go one better I am more focused on my health than I've been in the past and a lot of that is cause I want to be the best "me" possible for them. I don't want to be the "best me" cause I am obligated, I want to be that because somehow caring for them takes care of me and I'd like as much time as possible to enjoy that!

Posted in: