There's dog food in the bathroom

I was walking through the house today realizing that it was probably more messy & disorganized then it's been in any recent history. I made my way into the bathroom, looked to the floor and thought to myself "great there's dog food in the bathroom"; that about summed it up.

It's been a messy & disorganized couple of months. I attribute it to the amount of loss this last year has handed us here at the farm, Patch being the most recent.

Texas is going back home to Sarah's on Sunday & I am hoping that will conclude the string of losses this year. We could all use a bit of a break. At least with Texas I know he's gonna be just as loved as he ever was so although I've shed the tears and will do more of the same this weekend I can do so knowing he's going to be fine. It's a hell of a long way from the grief that we felt when Patch left, however it is grief nonetheless. I'll miss the big guy beyond what I am willing to express right now; I'm a little tired of crying on my blog.

So after finding the dog food in the bathroom; I still don't know why Leo brought two pieces in there, he wouldn't say. In any case afterward I went about cleaning the kitchen up a bit, vacuumed, and started on the remaining blankets I have here to wash. The dog food is still in the bathroom, baby steps people, baby steps. I feel better, I didn't cry today, my eyes are finally back to their normal size and I can walk through the front room, if not the bathroom, and not shake my head in disgust at my lack of housekeeping skills these last few weeks!

Tomorrow I work at the Fishline which always brings a smile. Tonight we'll burn some cardboard in the fire-pit, sit around listen to the ponies eat, and enjoy the view.

Perhaps I'll get the motivation to pick up Leo's leftovers before days end however if not, in the grand scheme of things when dog food in the bathroom is my biggest problem of the day I guess I ought not complain!

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CraigsList.Org & Masochistic Tendencies

I comb the For Sale listings in "Farm & Garden" on CraigsList daily. I do not "browse" I comb. It is an addiction and slightly masochistic considering what I am "combing" for. Ponies, ponies, and more ponies. Ponies that have served their "owners" and find themselves at 20 with no "job", rendering them "useless". Ponies that were bred cause "babies are cute". Ponies that have had one tragedy followed by the next. Ponies that, for the most part, no one wants.

This is not to say there are not legitimate sales on Craigslist.

This is to say that my bleeding heart, tree hugging, animal loving, liberal self can't seem to find her way to any ad that displays a perfectly good pony/horse owned by a person I'd respect. I gloss over those, they don't have a "story"; well perhaps it's more that their "story" is not tragic enough to catch my eye.

Every day there is a pony (horse) out there that someone wants to discard as if it matters less than last nights left overs. Scratch that, every day there are scores of ponies (horses) on there that no one wants for one reason or the next and the only hope is to "get rid of" said pony (horse).

The pony is old, the pony is more work then the person thought, the grand kids changed their minds, the kid went off to college, the pony is more work then the person thought...

Disposable.

It turns my stomach and I'm not a "horse person" (by traditional definition). It makes me question "horse people" and "dog people" and every other kind of "people" when used in conjunction. It makes me glad that I am yet to be classified.

In the same breath it is a little masochistic to comb craiglist looking at ponies (horses) I can't help. It's a lot masochistic to go looking for examples of that every day.

There should be an application that blocks ads that contain the words "has been with us for fifteen years but..." or "would be a great kids pony with a little work..." or "was a broodmare for the last two/five/ten years but could be..." or "bought the pony for my grandkids/husband/friends to ride but..."

Disposable.

Breaks my heart, just breaks my heart; slightly masochistic to keep going back.

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He really does make me smile

Brody was great tonight when I insisted that he needed jamma's.

He really does make me smile.

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Time travel, past lives, and all that we become

26 years, one month, and ten days ago I gave birth to my son Joshua.

Five or so minutes ago I shed a few tears for that girl. Leo was on the porch and heard me, he came over to my chair, licked my hand, climbed up on the chair arm and rested his head on my arm for a minute before settling under my desk. How anyone can discount the compassion in animals I'll never know.

It also brought me back to today. Sitting here today I like who I am, I also respect the girl I was back then. The former is a statement that has held true for awhile, the latter is very recent.

About two weeks ago a friend of mine changed the very fabric of my life by locating the man whom had fathered Joshua. To say this was a shock is probably the understatement of my life, as well as Joshua's. Two weeks ago I started looking back, remembering things I had long since forgotten, examining decisions made by a person I was so far away from being today that I spent a lot of time shaking my head. I must admit, I had forgotten all about her; it all feels like five lifetimes ago. I still can't put it to words, I still don't understand it all, I still have no idea how it will shake out. I'm still desperately confused about what this means for myself and the one person in the world that I'd lay over railroad tracks for. There is nothing that compares to what you feel for your child, there are very few words that can do it justice. I rarely write on Joshua because of that, today is no different, it's still nearly impossible for me to write about him.

Today what is different is that I do know that the very confused little girl that gave birth to him deserves some respect. Hiding her in some closet because she was a mere 16 is grossly unfair. To know that I was still punishing her and judging her is hard to process. When had I forgotten that she was the reason I made it through what could have turned into a teen-aged tragedy? Why had I forgotten that?

In speaking to my mom last night I gushed on about how great it was too feel like myself again; it had been two weeks since I felt even close to normal and I attributed this to an epiphany I had standing around the barn feeding everyone their last meal of the day. I was talking to Katie for a few minutes about her crabby face behavior and kissing her nose when it hit me that I was actually a pretty damned good person in spite of all the chaos that colored my early years. I wasn't bitter, I wasn't angry, my life hadn't been a statistic; I was actually a pretty darned good person. I had no reason to carry this shame surrounding my age when Joshua was born, I actually had reason to be proud of who I was and what I had done, the odds we had beat. I can't say that I'm entirely comfortable with being proud of it all quite yet however I am closer.

It's funny, not ha ha funny, how the animals in my life continue to remind me who I am. Katie didn't 'do' much, she just let me kiss her nose and returned the favor with a sloppy smudge to my cheek. Still that simple kiss from her reminded me that I was a person full of compassion, love, understanding, intelligence, and faith. Today when I sat to write and ended up tearing up Leo simply came over to remind me that he loved me, that it was ok, that the faith I held onto was righteous. One more huge lesson delivered through the ones that can not speak...amazing, just amazing.

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Self indulgence

I woke this morning, fed the horses in slippers and headed back to the couch to cuddle with Leo. I stayed there until about 10am. I had a dream that Leo got clipped by a car. Later that morning Leo disappeared to the creek and I spent ten minutes calling his name expecting every horrible thing you can imagine. He finally came screaming up the pasture, ears flat on his head, doing at least fifteen miles an hour, covered in mud from his chest down. I was walking up to the top of the pasture pretending that I wasn't walking the fence line in fear that the dream had come true.

We made our way to the beach with the kids and Leo in tow. We walked the beach, turned over logs and saw crabs. We picked up crabs smaller than my thumb. Met a super cool Canadian Goose and gave him my bottled water and a few chips. I talked some other lady into giving the goose some bread and discussed how I could justify taking the poor guy home and feeding him regularly...

Later I went with a good friend to look at a house she wants to buy. I think the Realtor thought we were "together". It was rather funny. Angela was walking about chatting and there I was inspecting, lifting up carpet edges, looking at the ceiling for proof of leaking, cataloging everything that was not perfect in my head, deducting money from the asking price as I walked through; very serious business! It was great to go with her, we laughed a bit, mostly about my inability to see a damn thing at night time however it was good to laugh. To not be so serious.

I also met a cat, of course! I resisted to take said cat home with me. I am convinced the poor thing either has no home or heard through the animal grapevine that I am a sucker for a furry face.

Today I think I am going to spend hours in my jamma pants and slippers, perhaps rake some leaves, clean a few stalls, talk to Tex for awhile and remind Katie that even when she's pissed she's the prettiest little pony ever! Mr. Leo might get a few extra hugs today and goodness knows Brody will as well.

I'm gonna indulge in all that makes me smile and I'm going to do it all day long. The changes have been too many of late and I think a little self indulgence is in order.

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Time & all that jazz

They say time heals. I don't think time heals, it can't heal, it's just time. What you do with that time, that's what heals.

I thought that last night when I was remembering my dad, it was his birthday. I thought that last night when I remembered my son's teenage years. I thought that last night when I remembered my Aunt, my brother, and Patch, I even threw in my software career for good measure.

I'm not even sure why I'm not angry. I'm pretty sure that if I were, it'd be justified.

Then I came back from turning the lights off in the barn.

Having finished delivering the "lights out" hay, standing next to Texas, my hand resting on his rump, my head laid against the same, I wondered how, in the presence of the most forgiving animals on the planet, I thought I could justify my anger. I couldn't.

So tonight I'll go to bed and remember that for all the loss there is love and that is where, and how, time might actually heal

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I could have bought a fish...

Tonight while I sat and took random pictures of the horses from the hammock, I felt the weight of them in a way that rarely strikes me. They aren't perfect; it's not all pretty pictures and lackadaisical romps about the 'arena' or the 'trail system' (on a really good day!).

Katie is pissed, for example. I also think Katie is in season; either that or Texas has also lost his mind! Season or not Katie is pissed and whereas Katie needs to get over herself I need to help her do that in a way that is safe for Katie. What does that mean with Katie in this circumstance? It means it means spending time with her, just normal, do nothing, one on one time, even when I'd much rather let her twirl her big butt around the stall cause she is pissed. Reminding her that yes, she is The Princess however she is Not The Queen, if you will.

Tex has a sensitive eye, I swear to god the boy gets dust and his eye is upset. He is also prone to hurting his foot. If anyone steps on a rock and bruises themselves around here it is Texas. Tex is also afraid of Simon (the cat) and has taken to jetting off from wherever he is if Simon comes into view; Simon has taken to hiding in the pasture...I think he enjoys it...

They break legs...they aren't perfect. I worry.

They need vitamins, they need grain, they need an incredible amount of hay, they have blankets, they get their feet done, they require patience and more research then any child I've raised, they won't let me sleep in and they sure keep me from dancing the night away.

They break legs...

Brody needs about 150 pounds, Tex needs more exercise, Katie needs to get back into training...

They break legs...they cost a small fortune...

Their lives are in my very small hands and every once in awhile the weight of that hits me. It hit me yesterday afternoon and I wondered what possessed me to begin this journey with horses; I could have bought a fish...

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Birthdays, Brody, and a few rainbows tossed in

Yesterday was my birthday and the first time in five years it wasn't celebrated with my AvaAnniversary. For that I continue to be grateful.

We had company and a nice relaxing day at the farm. I made rainbows with the sprinkler, thought of Melissa and her love of rainbows. I tried conjuring up a unicorn but I fell a bit short. :-)

I still sit down to write and go immediately to Patch. I can't express how badly I miss him. Every day I see his spotted little rear end meandering over to me when I am cleaning stalls, I look out the front door and wonder why no one comes to the door for treats anymore...I don't suppose I'll get over Patch anytime soon, he was so very special.

Brody is doing well. I am not sure how much weight has gone back on him however I do know he is eating better and it shows. He's a super sweet boy really. We did our morning exercises and now everyone is out to play. Watching him move is a different experience. He moves so differently, he seemingly floats above the ground. We have been concentrating on ground work, leading, space, listening, patience (not really "work"). We spend about a half an hour in the arena after breakfast walking about. We are kicking some serious ass in the wedding march game :-) Walk, stop, walk, stop. He probably thinks I have lost my ever loving mind but he cooperates and I think he knows we're doing this all for a reason. We also spend a considerable amount of time at night time brushing, massaging, etc etc. He seems to be pretty happy with the situation at hand.

However...his roommates. Tex is pretty good, he doesn't mind Brody and is trying to figure him out most of the time. Katie on the other hand is not his biggest fan. I am thinking of dubbing her "Princess Crabby Pants". She has decided that Brody does not deserve the end stall, the tape that is now hung between the two is insulting (to her), and if she twists and turns enough in her stall maybe he'll understand that the only reason her foot isn't planted in his ass is cause I put a wall there. Pretty sure she's pissed that I moved her bucket to the other wall too; I am all but certain Brody is getting the blame for that! She's pretty funny actually. The other morning I went to feed breakfast and there she was, ears pinned clean against her head staring at me as if she would rather take food from Leo! Katie has no forelock (and I am not overstating this) when Katie pins her ears she looks like the biggest boa constrictor alive. I call it her "snake face". It's pretty scary if you don't know that all she wants is a kiss :-) So the other morning she was doing her best impression of a giant snake, I laughed and greeted her with "How is my favorite pretty little pissed off pony". I am 99% sure she did not think it was funny! She did perk right back up when I held her bald little face and kissed her nose. Silly tough acting pony! Really I think she is pissed cause when he first got here she was all about snuggling up as close as she could to sniff him however he'd just walk away, it took approximately two/three days of being ignored to piss her right off! Katie does NOT get ignored, she IS a princess ;-) She's been a bitch ever since (I mean that in the nicest way possible).

Starting tomorrow we will be doing Brody's exercises followed by Miss Katie's. Perhaps a little one on one is what she needs. We will see, we will see :-)

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