Somewhere between acceptance and gratitude or, varying degrees of doubt.

Today I am pissed at my email, in a shitty mood because it has not produced the email I am waiting for, and a little disappointed in my ability to "keep the faith" and/or feel grateful. 

For a solid six days I have been religiously repeating:

1. The strength it took to look honestly at that time period was hard earned; hold onto that and stay proud of that.

2. If nothing, save a lesson, comes of this, the lesson is valuable enough.

3. The outcome will not define you, does not define you; the outcome is not a reflection of you as a person, it is simply the decision of someone other than yourself. 

4. Let it go, see number 3 and let it go.

It's been a long six days. I believe, with all my heart, that all three of those are completely true statements. I really do wish I could stop repeating them. With every day that passes without an answer the voice of reason has to battle the voice of insecurity. She's got a pretty strong voice, resilient shit that she is. She battles everything above with her own version of the truth and lord is she negative!

I worked today and all went well. Sue and I worked together, we do well together. The ponies were all a dream save Kobe whom has taken to trying to eat the lead rope and Wynston whom thinks smelling the top of my head and dripping a little horsey goo in my hair is great fun. It was a good day, all in all. 

I drove in the drive and Mr. Leo was right there to greet me. Jack right behind him, wagging his little tail so fast he looks like half a helicopter! The boys were all accounted for and looked good too. I didn't get attacked by the crazy rooster. Weather was nice and I planned on riding Brody for a bit this evening.

Why then am I talking myself out of a negative mind set?

It's simple, I am letting this other person's decision rule my days, my nights, and even my dreams. I remarked earlier today that if I could simply remember all I dreamt when my mind was working overtime I'd give Stephen King a run for his money! My imagination is great fun play in, it's not great fun to get lost in! I believe "torture chamber" is what I used to describe it today. Every person whom has made an impression on me has appeared lately; my high school boyfriend popped over to let me know that the cliff I was jumping over was probably gonna suck, my mom and I were on a train that went to what felt like a desolate version of our world after deciding that we'd end up dying alone and together (literally), my brother popped in disguised as my father to remind me that although I thought pretty highly of my intellect...I wake feeling confused and as if I had just run a marathon. 

Why?

Because I am letting someone else's decision rule my days. I am forgetting all that brought me here. I am forgetting that the answer I am afraid of won't kill me; it may not please me however that's all it will do. I've been displeased before, it's never resulted in the end of the world :-)

Right? 

I'm gonna make sure to ask Brody, he's usually spot on when I am stuck between varying degrees of doubt.

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And they call me Queen of the Walk

It's no secret that I don't like to go fast. Facts are facts; part of me is a big chicken. I say things like... I need to work on my posting, I haven't really done much lately, I'm sure I have forgotten the right way, I look like an idiot, I should take lessons again, then maybe we'll talk about cantering and all this "you have to go fast business".

Truth is the key is feeling, not to mention a lot of trusting that enough to let go of the perfectionist, intellectual freak that says thing like "you look silly cause you aren't perfect". I look pretty hot at the walk. I love trotting about with Rev and Lou, so long as very few are around to see me go beyond the walk. Did I mention, I look great at the walk. It's the letting go that tends to keep me at the walk, the trusting myself part, that keeps me at the walk.

Rev and Lou have been a new experience for me, both of them have found me wanting to ride, for different reasons all together, however with both of them I get this "oh boy we're gonna ride" feeling that I haven't had in a long time. It's fun again with them; it's a bonus that it's fun for different reasons with each of them.

We rode yesterday; Rev and I in the arena, then around the "trail" three times. We went a couple different ways up to the top of the pasture, jogging up the hill this way and that. We played at the top of the pasture where I let him go just a touch faster than we've gone before then heading back down. He never goes faster than I am ready for and always seems very aware of what that means. It's quite amazing considering my speedometer changes each time we ride! He was great. Tomorrow we're gonna venture off the property, head up the street (or down I haven't decided). I have such a great time with him, we were plowing through the bushes (let's pretend they were thick, huge, climbing everywhere with vines, kind of bushes), climbing hills (slopes), laughing and talking the whole time. There was a lot of "oh you're such a good boy, let's hop over the log, oh look at you go, etc..." We had a blast.

Lou and I stayed in the arena. I suspect that if Lou could he'd pick me up before I even thought to fall, it's incredibly hard to feel anything but taken care of when riding with Lou. I never understood the desire for a horse so huge that you couldn't see me if I was standing behind him, smack dab in the middle of his barrel (yes, yes, you'd see my feet). God knows I'd be able to hide from the CIA if I decided to stand behind his rump! He's 16.3 and build like a tank. Riding with him is just fun for me. We actually cantered. I've never cantered. I don't, as a general rule, canter. Lou and I cantered, it was great fun. It was incredible fun really. I keep walking by him and saying "How's my little superstar?" :-)

Who knew, Queen of the Walk, would one day meet, love, and be lucky enough to know not one, but two, boys that let her go faster and faster each day :-)

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It's green cause we all agree that it's green.

My mom believes that we have collectively created our (general) reality. Trees for example, are green because we all agree they are green and therefore it becomes reality for us all. It's perception. It's choice. It's even a bit of compromise.

Reality is a funny thing, it can be different for us all. The reality of my childhood is not the same as my brother's reality and we grew up together. 

If it's really choice then we can choose a better reality even in the face of what is normally perceived to be a negative reality. It's all about perception. You really can change your life by changing your way of thinking. That being said, it's hard shit to actually do. 

When I started this blog, I thought I was pretty hot shit. I was very impressed with myself and certainly not afraid to wield what I believed to be my superiority. I was important don't ya know. I seriously shake my head at that thought today, mostly because my definition of important was so very different back then. I still think I am pretty hot shit, I am still pretty impressed with myself, and I certainly don't doubt my importance or the benefits I bring to those around me. The definition of all that today was allowed to grow somewhere in the experiences over the last two years especially (it's been less however that is a nice round number), it does not lie in the title that resides under my name which is where it was when I started this blog.  

It's actually been really difficult, these last couple of years. I try to write on the lessons and the insights, my goodness have there been a plethora (love that word), and not the difficulty level. It has however been difficult, I can't recall a time period where "journey" fit any better.

I started out confused, angry, and arrogant. Today I am more aware, grateful, humbled in a way that does not equate beating myself up, and proud of who I see in the mirror everyday. I had to look at why I was confused, angry, and arrogant a couple years back; I didn't much care for the view. I have always been smart enough to know you can not change what you can not control. I have not always been smart enough to know that very little is actually in my control, unless you count choice. I didn't.

It's perception. It is a choice to live each day positively and not negatively. It's a choice not to judge. It's a choice to examine and decide finding the positive is the only sane thing to do. It's a choice to stand by yourself; not alone but to stand "by" yourself in the very manner you'd stand by your friend. It's also a hard choice. It's also an active choice. It's a literal exercise everyday and along the way you will likely discover things that you never would have admitted, even alone with only the company of your horse.

You have to think, where is my lesson? How did I play into this? How can I make this a lesson and not a punishment? That's a big one right there. Admitting my hand in yuckiness used to mean on some level I failed, I suck, oh my god the world is going to finally know I am a sham. Admitting my hand in whatever the yuckiness is today means, ok so why did you ...? Sometimes that answer is simply "cause Carol you are human", sometimes that has to be enough. Once there I usually get a hint of the lesson. In each lesson is a piece of the new reality I have chosen.

That's all fantastic, I'm crazy pleased by all of it. Pretty amazed I made it through to this point truth be told. However, holy moly what a pain in the ass it is to look for the positive in a world turned upside down. What a bitch it is to realize you had a direct hand in turning part of that world upside down. How amazingly hard it is to forgive yourself for the same. How incredibly tiring it is to let yourself feel it all the way through without using it as some crazy weapon :-) How sad and uplifting it has been to look at it and let it go.

Today was the first time I had to really put this whole practice of looking at life differently, seeing the beauty, being at peace with me (good, bad, or indifferent), actively looking for a positive regardless of outcome, today was the first day I really really put it to work. Today I had to take all of what I have been allowed to learn over the last two years and apply it. It was intense. It still has me a bit shaken up, it's easy to think it all, it's easy to apply it all when you are applying it to a life filled with ponies and puppies; it's easy to make sense of it all when you've surrounded yourself with the best love there is. It's hard to do all that when you are walking into strangely familiar territory as a completely different person.

We made it through though, she says because I made it through sounds entirely too real and as mentioned, I can change my reality. Right now that reality needs "we" more then it need "I" so we're going with "we"!

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Oh Patch, how I wish we could have some chips and just chat.

Patch loved chips, he'd also stand right next to you and wait patiently for his next chip. For that matter he'd stand next to you and wait for any treat you might possibly have. That being said, he'd stand right next to you, treat or not, and listen to you ramble for as long as you needed.

I will now stop with the although, thereby, and that being said, and for that matter, crap.

You could talk to Patch, you could hang out with Patch. I spent many hours telling Patch things that Patch likely cared nothing about. We discussed everything from the price of bedding to the horrors that came from trying to re-figure life out at forty something.

It'd be nice to chat with him tonight, he's been heavy on my mind. Mostly because there is so much I'd like to tell him. The Princess found a new home. That would have been good news to Patch. Texas went home and Amber was sold. I met Brody, who has always reminded me of you (in spirit), the day after you died. The farm has changed, I have changed. There have been horses, and there is a special one for me again in Rev, but none of them are you. None of them stand in my door and wait, for however long, for the treat they know they will get.

I think of you every day, most days more than once. I don't tear up all the time anymore, mostly I smile and sorta cock my head like Leo when you cross my mind. I wonder, what people think when they see it? I'd bet my last bale of hay that they have no idea that a beautiful soul just ran across my memory flashing the cutest spotted ass the world has ever seen!

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Just a horse, dog, cat, chicken, mouse, spider, or slug

I got to hang out with Bill today. Bill is one of my very favorite people. Bill is my dear friend's little boy; Bill is two. Bill calls me Auntie Cars not because he can't say Carol and not because his mommy is my "real" sister. I'm Auntie cause that's what'd I'd be if the world made the connections I saw fit (helps that his mommy agrees) and Cars because, well because, I have cars. I don't have real live, grown ups can drive, cars laying about the yard. I do however have the cars that Bill likes. There are areas of the house that look a little like a Match Box wrecking yard, Bill loves it. As a result of these two things I am Auntie Cars. 

There is such beauty in a person whom has not been commercialized. I can watch Bill for hours and never get bored with his discoveries. What is especially lovely about Bill is that he still believes "good" should simply be a fact of life. 

Today Perris was getting her feet done so while that was going on Bill and I hung out. We found a slug crawling on the grass. We were actually headed to his store, a little play house, where he sells water (not really). We got distracted picking flowers for mommy when we (Bill) decided he needed the cart for the flowers. We had two dandelions, not a heavy load! The cart he wanted was in the longer grass so off we went. I saw the slug, it was flippin' huge and black. I have, honest to goodness, never seen a black slug. I googled it, they are kinda gross.

In any case I see this slug and point it out to Bill. We both knelt there, our collective butts resting on our feet, and discussed the slug. Bill said "What's that". I said "A slug, can you say slug". Bill says "Auntie bug". 

It was close enough for us to go from there to Bill's version of what it was doing and Auntie Cars explaining that it was climbing and that we didn't want to touch or hurt it. Bill agreed and we sat there watching the slug, repeating the same questions:

1. What's that?

2. Where go?

I would say we spent five minutes on the slug. 

It never occurred to me to kill the slug, it really never occurred to Bill to so much as disturb the slug. That belief that there is no reason to hurt another being just because you don't understand it is lost on "us" anymore. 

If you really think about it, fear is almost always the basis of anger. Not being able to understand something scares "us", I think it is safe to say it scares the shit out of "us". "We" think we are pretty damned smart. Perhaps relate, or even empathize, is a better word then understand in this case, hard to say. 

We didn't kill the slug, or touch the slug, we studied the slug and then left the slug to do whatever it was the slug was headed to do. 

Sure it was just a slug, it could have been up to no good in the world of slugs, it could have been headed home to his family of slugs; we'll never know cause we left him alone. 

It is just simple respect I suppose. Leo isn't just a dog, sure he's a dog but "just a dog" makes him sound less than deserving of humane treatment and simple respect. Just a dog leads one to believe that hurting him wouldn't matter as much as hurting a person. 

I was going to go through the list of animals in the title however I do believe my point is made already. 

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I sure do love my boy

I think of Rev and I just smile. It's really that simple, it's really that amazing.

Rascal Flats covers a song by Hunter Hayes, one of the lyrics is:

"I don't know how you do what you do

'Cause everything that don't make sense about me 

Makes sense when I'm with you"

The song is a love song; the song is about a man declaring his love to a woman. The song is not about how wonderful it feels to wrap my arms around my horse's neck and feel him move closer. 

My horse; how wonderful that feels to say out loud. Rev is as much mine as I am his. It really is that simple, it really is that amazing.

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Rev AKA "Sweetness"

When I walk up to Rev it goes a little like this:

"Hi Sweetness, how is my boy?" Typically there is a discussion about my day, a few questions about his, a reminder that he is super handsome and that I love him, a kiss planed on his big old butt while I look him over for oddities and remind him that the Princess moved so he won't get bit anymore.

I have had the honor of knowing some of the gentlest of horses. Brody, Texas, Patch, and P all come to mind instantly. Some of the gentlest souls have come to me in the form of animals, more than a few of those animals have been horses. Much like people, they were all gentle in there own way, for their own reasons, because of (or as a result of) their individual circumstances. They each taught me something different. They each showed me a new reason to look at the world with kinder eyes.

Rev, AKA Sweetness, is definitely top ten sweetest souls ever. That guy hasn't got a mean bone in his body.  I tend to think of Rev and get lost in day dreams. Nothing terribly specific, it's just when I think of him I sort of drift off and forget that I was trying to write. It's like that dreamy feeling you get when you imagine you're on a beach, with white sand at your feet, and a gorgeous net covered king sized feather bed waiting for you to retire. I get dreamy when I think of him.

I've been dreamy over other horses. I mentioned them above. It's slightly different with Rev, I get dreamy and we have fun together!

I also get crazy selfish with Rev. I honest to goodness don't like anyone else touching him. I actually discouraged my best friend; I've never done that. I think she'd have fun with him, no doubt. I don't however wanna share. The really cool thing is, Rev doesn't really wanna share either.

The other day, a friend was over and she had her friend with her. They had both met Rev and subsequently fell in love with him. There was a lot of "WHO IS THAT?" when they met him. In any case, she asked if she could ride Rev. This posed a problem for me, a couple problems. The first, and most obvious, is that I don't like other people touching Rev. The second was that I didn't like saying no when there was no real reason to do so.

The compromise we (I) decided on was that I'd ride Rev for a bit to "see how he was feeling" and then she could hop on for a few minutes if she wanted to.

Rev was "feeling" fine. Rev let me climb on him with no bareback pad. Rev let me put the side pull on (that I had brilliantly put back together incorrectly) and ride about not knowing how badly I had put it back together. Rev didn't care that I did it wrong and understood when I made him stand there while I fixed what I had screwed up. Rev didn't even care when we switched over to a regular bit and readjusted the stirrups for the fifth time. Rev is used to the fact that his mommy does things ass backward and he really doesn't care.

I eventually stopped torturing my gorgeous boy and let the other lady ride. Rev behaved like a complete gentleman however he did walk her in a circle and stop right in front of me about three times as if to say "Ok I did it can we ummm stop this nonsense?".

I took that to mean that Rev, AKA Sweetness, didn't like sharing any more than his mommy did. we did try. I think we get at least a "B" for effort there.

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