Keeping it light

It's kinda hard to believe it's been only three weeks since Patch left. I find it easier to think of it like that.

Brody is home, he is amazing and doing well. When I am better able to write, I plan on documenting his progress.

Leo is doing well, hot spot and all. He's been pretty cuddly these last few weeks. He generally sleeps at the foot of the bed, lately he is right next to me curled up as if we were puzzle pieces. I appreciate every second.

Katie and Tex are still pretty glued to one another however Tex is trying very hard to make friends with Brody. That's kinda nice to see considering who we are talking about :-) I suppose "sweet" is more apt however Tex might not appreciate the word as much as I do. Katie is reaching out as well, preening is probably more apt however I doubt she'd appreciate that word.

All in all we're settling in, trying to move on, trying to continue without him. It's hard, it's necessary, it's ... life.

I spend a lot of time watching them all, appreciating them all, being thankful that I have them and remembering that they also have me. Keeping it kinda light so we remember the love more then we remember the sadness.

It's hard, it's also possible. One day soon I'll be able to tell Brody's story and with it all of ours. Perhaps it won't do a thing for anyone except us; there is the off chance that it will touch someone outside of the farm and with that help one soul from the sadness that comes with being deemed "useless".

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The debt is mine, Part two

I couldn't really see "stop touching him" as an option.

I felt like an awkward little kid asking if I could go in with him. I knew I was afraid of going in there with him and prayed no one else could see it. So I kicked the dirt with my, ever muddy, tennis shoes and felt five years old asking Drea if I could go in to see him. For the record this fear had nothing to do with being hurt by him. I was kind of embarrassed by how how badly I wanted to go in there with him, almost as if I had been caught kissing the boy I swore I did NOT like. I suppose I didn't really want Drea or Kate to know how flippin' hopeless I was. 


I was renting out the extra stall. I did not want this gelding moving in. My interest was no deeper then your basic sympathy for his plight. Touching him wasn't going to send a lightning bolt through the sunshine for my self delusion plus Kate and Drea weren't going to notice a damn thing, they were chatting.  

I laid my hands on him and felt him lean into me. I couldn't help but think that he needed to somehow find his way back, back to himself. It was as if he knew with each push against my hand that he was disconnected. 

When I first met Brody, I was all but drowning in grief. It was the very day after Patch had to be put down. I thought long and hard in the week that followed about what I felt when I first met Brody; was it Brody or was it my grief that was reaching out to me? I also felt guilty, like I was somehow cheating on Patch by even entertaining the thought.

Then I went back and ended up in his paddock feeling him lean into my hands. I could feel Patch with me however it wasn't grief and it was not guilt. I closed my eyes and just felt for a few, tried to listen to this Universe that had pissed me off so badly the last couple weeks. Somewhere in that moment I could feel Patch nodding in approval, letting me know that it was ok, that the motives weren't to replace him and he knew that. 

I went around to Brody's face and held his chin, looking at him I quite literally asked him what he wanted. We stood there looking at each other for a minute or so then I went and sat down on the edge of his stall. He watched me and I watched him. When I settled I held out my hand and asked him to come over. No words just the offering of my hand, which was visibly empty.


I feel a little crazy admitting it but I was testing this belief that there was a lot more to this than me simply feeling for Brody's circumstance, that these connections I felt weren't one sided or based in grief. With every touch I had been asking Brody the same question. I believed I felt the answer with every gentle push into my hands. When we stood face to face with his chin in my hand I believed he answered me. I wanted confirmation I suppose, so I went and sat on the edge of his stall and offered him my hand, quite literally. 


He came over. He nuzzled a bit then looked at me sitting there as if it was all a touch confusing for him as well. He stepped around me then and went to eat. I got up and followed him in. I apologized for bothering him while he ate and remarked at how dirty petting him had made my hands. I did toss in that I didn't care, I was dirty all the time anyway. 


Kate's phone had rung twice, it was Joshua. He was waiting at Albertson's with groceries; we were only supposed to be gone for "just a little bit". I knew I had to leave, Kate knew we had to leave. I honestly wasn't ready and finally announced that I ought to stop bothering him while he ate and get out of there. I'm pretty sure the announcement was for me.


As we left I blithely (cool word isnt it?) tossed out "gosh I want him & I'll send you pictures of my "Pony Paradise" I heard Drea's response of "I think it'd be a great fit" as we got closer to the car. 


We got back here and I showed off my newly cleaned barn to Kate and remembered the pictures I took of "Pony Paradise" for the ad. Finally standing down looking at the front yard I asked Kate if she thought this was the dumbest idea ever. She said what I already knew; from an economic stand point of course it was a dumb idea (when isn't a 1000 pound eating machine a dumb idea economically?) however from a "he needs you and you need him" stand point it was the only idea. God knows when I started looking to the ground for answers when I was confused but I found myself, once again, kicking the dirt and shaking my head.


After Kate left, rather than obsess, cause we all know I don't do that, I went about looking at the pictures I took. I deluded myself into thinking I was putting this album together for the potential boarder that made more sense then anything else. As I added captions I knew Drea would be the only person to see the pictures, I finished them up and wrote her an email. There was still a part of me that hoped she'd think I was a looney tunes with my talk of approval from Patch and tell me that Brody needed a sane person.


I went to bed that evening and dreamt of Patch, we talked. I woke feeling wonderful. I knew that if Brody were meant to be here, he'd be here. I knew that Patch wasn't concerned that I was replacing him. I knew that Patch wanted me to share all he taught me with Brody.


I am almost over thinking I am a lunatic for believing all that I believe where they are concerned. I'm almost over being embarrassed to admit that the logical person I try to show the world is simply a small part of who I am. I am "touchy, feely, new aged freaky" about them (animals). I do believe that Brody knew what I was asking and I do believe he answered me in the only language available to him. I do believe that Patch approves and I firmly believe he was there with me through every confusing moment.  



Patch was very disconnected when I first met him; in helping him find his way back to himself he helped me find my way back to myself. A lot of people will tell you that horses changed their lives; loving them changed them as a person. For me, they helped me find my way back to who I have always been. They helped me, and are helping me still, to not be so afraid of who I am. For that, the debt is mine.

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The debt is mine, Part one

I think a lot, I analyze every thing, every motive, every possibility (real or imagined). It often drives me crazy and god help the people that have to listen to the process.

We just lost Patch, I say we because I didn't corner the market on Patch and when he left us he left a huge "us". In the same respect I just lost Patch; me, the Carol that I was before he was gone, she lost Patch. He was never "mine" but when he left so did a very special relationship, as a result I am forever changed. 

I am pretty sure I'll feel the loss for years to come, he was such an amazing soul. I had no idea what I was in for when Kate told me that a mutual friend was taking this "pony" to the game farm. 

I wanted a pony for my grandson, he was four. I didn't really ever expect to find a pony for my grandson it was just one of those things Kate and I talked about. "Wouldn't it be cool to have a pony for Antonio? He could ride and wouldn't he look so cute all decked out in English garb under a "fancy" little pony?"

Kate heard that Patch was headed to the game farm; he was no longer useful to the people who owned him. They did serious trail riding and Patch had blown out his tendon again and couldn't carry anyone. She was actually pretty clever in getting Patch out of that. She called and inquired about a "quiet little pony" that "might be good for her friends grandson". Wa la we had an invite to go meet Patch (I had never met him Kate has known him for years). 

For the first time since Patch came into my life I am going to be honest about my feelings surrounding his arrival. He was quite literally on the verge of being tossed to the lions because he couldn't stand the rides, the weight, the work, they wanted from him. Patch was last in the pecking order and well as a result often got chased off his food, he was underweight; scratch that he was skinny. He was also so full of worms it was downright disgusting. His stools were anything but solid. He had blown a tendon so he was "lame"; as it turned out he also had an abscess on his leg that eventually burst and healed. It was not the first time it had happened. It was the time that found him deemed "useless" as far as their needs were concerned, they couldn't afford to continue to care  for a horse they couldn't "use". I find that deplorable. It absolutely pisses me off when people do shit like that. This horse had served them well, many many times. He was not a fucking toy, he was not a god damn motorcycle that blew it's engine. Still they were "done" with this "useless" animal they could no longer pack up and ride on their weekend trips. Off to the game farm he goes. Was a vet called? No no no. Did they know that Patch would "never heal" fuck no. They were just done with him, he was of no use. God every time that runs through my mind I want to throw something so hard it smashes to pieces. 

I've wrestled with these feelings and the judgement that goes along with them since that very first day. There is a real part of me that does not judge them harshly, a part of me that thinks them naive (ignorant) to what the animals (all of them not just the horses) are about, a part of me that feels downright sorry for them because they will likely never get it. Which means they will also never get the pureness of loving them (the animals) and that's a downright shame.

Still there is the me that looked in Patch's eyes and saw the person behind the mane and tail and felt his sadness. She does judge, she quite honestly, despises these people whom took Patch into their lives and hurt him simply because he had no choice but to submit. Patch had a wonderful life with his original owner. Patch had a barn, Patch had enough food, Patch was honored and respected for who he was. Patch did not have a wonderful life with the people whom took over his care. How flipping self absorbed do you have to be to treat a living being as a tool? Can he have a job, goodness yes! When he can't do that job do you let him fall into ill health in front of your eyes then turn him into tiger food? Jesus Christ already! For that I judge. For that I feel a dislike that is damned close to hate.  

The worse part is I know these people and I do like them. I absolutely stand for something opposite of what they do, I don't really "despise" them though. It'd be so much easier if I did. If I did I wouldn't wrestle with these feelings, if I did I wouldn't have "sugar coated" those feelings all this time.

The best part of not despising them was that it forced me to not get all indignant and instead be thankful that Patch had found his way into my life.

I absolutely hate what happened to Patch, without a doubt! I still feel my face get hot and my heart skip a beat when I let myself remember the first time I looked in his eyes and felt his pain. I was fiercely protective where he was concerned. There were very few that I would let near him. No one but my scrawny little ass rode him either and I only asked that of him a few times. Patch decided he was retired after being here for a bit and I absolutely let him do just that. 

Now I am sure I encouraged the retirement belief by making him a special mixture every night so he could gain weight, fussing over his tail (it was a mess and the belief was that it always would be; "they" were wrong his tail absolutely came back healthy and beautiful), carting his hay all over the pasture so no one would bother him, encouraging his "drive by window" treat obsession, etc etc. I'd have slept in his stall if I thought it would be good for him. 

My son's girlfriend (at the time) had pulled Patch out and to brush him one day. It is safe to say I all but took her head off. She didn't really do anything wrong and she was good with him however he was special and had been manhandled enough (in my opinion) and she was not me! I wonder if this had anything to do with his attitude a year later when I was foolish enough to let someone attempt to play "pretty pretty pony" with Patch? Hmmmm hahaha probably so. 

I digress, this post isn't all about Patch. I could tell Patch stories forever however the blog has been flooded with them lately so I'll get on with it!

I met a horse the day after Patch had to be put down. Another sentence that finds my face growing hot and my heart skipping beats. It also stops me dead in my tracks and oh so thankful that I have a window to stare out while I collect myself. It's flabbergasting how much I miss him.

In any case Kate, Jenny and I went to meet a mini mare that Kate was interested in. The mini was rescued along with a gelding and the woman whom rescued them was looking for permanent homes. My only interest in the gelding was a result of a acquaintance being interested in him and possibly keeping him here (I had offered her the shelter if she were to take him on). The mare is darling but one look at the gelding and I was pretty sure he was more then the interested party was willing to take on. I said as much and tried to leave it at that. These two had been victims of a divorce, quite literally forgotten about, left to their own devices on a pasture that was pretty bare. The mini of course got fat, I think they could eat air ;-) The gelding, well he didn't get nearly what he needed and was skinny, he had a bad abscess, and had been in a lot of pain for a long time. 

We fussed over and ohh'd and ahh'd over the mini for a bit; she is just darling. She seriously looks like a tiny Katie with a LOT of hair! Baby doll face, bay, dorsal stripe, just flippin adorable! 

I made my way over to the gelding, at the time I couldn't have told you his name although I had been told his name! I was a mess, I had been crying for what felt like a week but really only amounted to about 12 hours. I stood there and rubbed on the gelding and tried desperately to understand why Patch was gone. I rubbed my hand along his side and felt the ribs, ran my hand along his back and felt his spine; it didn't escape me that I was somehow introduced to a horse who shared so much in circumstance with Patch the day after Patch left. Goodness knows I didn't understand a bit of it and it was just too much to try and pick apart so I just kept petting him and feeling all that he must have gone through. How sad he must have been when he figured out his mom had left and there was no one left that cared. It broke my heart for him, it tore at the grief I was already feeling and pissed me right off. It was also beautiful in it's own way however I was ignoring all that, ignoring the universe that I trusted to bring me what I needed, because I was pissed. Pissed for it taking Patch, pissed for it allowing these things to happen, just pissed and I sure as hell was not going to get all touchy, feely, new aged freaky about this. So I kept petting the gelding whose name I could not remember and tried to keep up with the conversation around me.

The next Monday Kate went to see the mare again and asked if I would like to go. I begged off with a ten minute errand as my excuse. Truth is I did not want to see "the gelding" again. I had remembered his name but I was steadfastly ignoring that and calling him "the gelding". I suppose since I am being honest I should admit I was afraid of seeing "the gelding" again. I absolutely did not want another glimpse at what I felt the first day I met him. I was too busy convincing myself that any "connection" I felt was a product of grief; simple, logical, bullshit. I've seen many horses in a desperate situation. I've appreciated every single one of them, have I "connected" with each one, no. Still I was very busy ignoring this so I begged off. 

I decided to offer the extra stall as a boarding solution for someone else and placed an ad. Kate lost Ziggy to a car accident that day. One week after Patch some asshole hit Zig (Kate's dog) and killed him. My heart broke for Kate and for Zig who was anything but ready to go. Kate texted me, I didn't really say it out loud for hours but Leo got super quiet, attached himself to me like some bizarre four legged accessory and again I tried to ignore the Universe and deduced that Leo was still suffering from Patch's loss. I refused to believe that he actually knew he just lost yet another friend. We (Kate, Jenny and myself) all decided we hated Tuesdays and each of us tried to process this. It was crippling for Kate, still is. 

I went around the farm the next morning and took pictures of what I call "Pony Paradise" with Kenny Chesney's "Magic" playing in my head. Snapping pictures, remembering Patch, remembering Zig, singing "I believe there is magic, a whole lotta magic, I believe there is magic here..." The whole god damn week felt surreal and that morning was no different.

Kate came over and we futzed around a bit, Kate mentioned going to Silverdale and I said sure. I had no real idea what we were doing in Silverdale but I didn't care either. I wanted to be with her, be there for her, let her know that I loved her and respected what she was going through. I figured we were headed to Farmland; yay smelly isles and horsey stuff. 

Turns out we were going to see the mare. I sorta asked "hmmm can I see the gelding" as if I didn't know he was there! Off we went, half assed remembering where we were going cause Kate was trying to come to terms with Zig and last time I had been there I had been trying to figure out Patch. 

Drea had separated the mini and the gelding and I honest to god didn't know he was right in the next stall when I asked about him. I petted him over the fence for awhile and finally got the nerve up to ask if I could go in there with him and pet him. The wire was hot and either he was gonna shock his fabulous nose or I was gonna shock my arm so I either asked or stopped touching him. I couldn't really see stop touching him as an option.

I need a break, this one is proving difficult. 

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Texas, teeth rubbing & shoulder licking

I haven't talked much about Katie and Texas lately however the last few days I've been watching them settle in and made a few observations.

My mom and I talk about the interaction animals have that we, as people, tend to discount. Recently her dog got hurt while playing with another dog at the dog park and now Tink won't play with the other dog (which makes the other dog upset). This has been going on for nearly a week I think. I think Tink has decided Abbey is just no longer her friend, Abbey however has yet to accept this.

Tex and Katie have always sorta been in love with each other and they are also pretty strong personalities. They chased and bossed Patch around as often as they do Leo. It'd go a little like this, Tex would push Katie up the hill, around the barn, away from me, etc... Katie would push Patch out of her way and if Leo was around Patch might make a play for pushing Leo out of his way. The trickle down affect (or is it effect?).

Now when I say "push" I mean a flick of the head, a "mean look" that included pinned ears and a slow trot in the general direction. More like Tex told Katie what to do, having no choice she listened, to prove Tex wasn't the only boss she'd tell Patch what to do and well Patch then had no choice but to tell Leo what to do.

Oddly enough Patch was the most "vocal". Tex and Katie were anything but silent but it was Patch that nickered loudly first thing in the morning. It was Patch that you heard when "they" discovered hay was being delivered for lunch. Katie and Tex followed suit but it was Patch you heard loud and clear, not to mention first.

Tex and Katie don't seem to push each other as much these days. Perhaps cause there is no third for Katie to trickle down to. I think it is because they are still finding their balance, their herd dynamics have changed and they need each other while they figure them out, as a result they are all but stuck together these days. They certainly are more aware of each other. I can watch them keep an eye on the other and if one gets too far away the other moseys over (nonchalantly of course).

They are both more vocal come morning. Texas, my big strong cowboy looking man of a horse, nickers like a little girl and finds me giggling up the stairs the last two days. He really sounds so very sweet. It reminds me of a young boy being hit with a squeaky voice right as he asks the girl next door to the spring dance. He is also way more attentive the last couple days. He's always been friendly, he has always greeted me as soon as he saw me (unless he was eating haha), he's always wanted me to stand there and rub his teeth (yes rub his teeth), and we've laid together while he napped. He's never been shy about attention and he has certainly never been lacking in it either. Today though he did the funniest thing, I was standing in the pasture giving him a carrot and he licked my friends hand, stuck out his tongue (holding it in his teeth), curled up his lip, and blinked his beautiful eyes at her as he rested his mouth in her hand; teeth against her palm, tongue sticking out and goofy look on his face! Now she had NO CLUE what was going on and looked at me like "Oh my god?". I just told her "He wants you to rub his teeth".

After a second he came over to me, I am an expert at rubbing Tex's teeth, and rubbed them for him. I even made the squeaky noise that he loves so much. You have to be careful though cause the more Tex gets into this teeth rubbing session the lower his head drops and his head is ummm heavy. If I am not careful I end up with his head clear to my knees and me struggling to stand upright, it's a lot of weight and I'm not terribly big!

Today after a minute or so I told him enough and turned around. He decided that perhaps we could do the teeth rubbing game on my shoulder. I was standing there talking to Angela, she was gushing over their beauty and their peacefulness/calmness around people when I feel this lick on my shoulder! I turn my head and there is Tex looking right at me as he licks my shoulder again, as I turned around to say "No you will not lick my shoulder" (and yes that's what I said) I could feel him stick his tongue between his teeth and gently lay his teeth against my shoulder and move up and down once. I was trying so damned hard no to laugh the only thing I could say was "Do not be a freaky pony, you can not do that on my shoulder". Why I said "freaky pony" I will never know. Standing there trying not to be embarrassed (he did this in front of company), and trying not to let double over with laughter I reverted to junior high school talk I suppose! However I must admit it was perhaps the funniest thing that happened all day, if not all week.

With Patch's passing, I've tried to give them space and reassurance while the new dynamic falls into place. My place in the "dynamic" has not changed, Katie's and Tex's they have changed. I've tried to let them have the space to figure that out.

I think they'll be ok. I do, for the record, know that shoulder licking is not something a "good mannered" pony does and will correct the same as soon as I stop laughing!

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