Off to work...

I like to think I know these guys, and I especially like the moments that knowing them shines through. I had forgotten that they too know me. Today Texas reminded me.

Texas' Vacation

So I suppose today's message to myself is "OK enough, let's get back to work". Tex's message is "OK love vacation is over".

Favorites...

In matter of importance there is no difference, the reasons behind the importance holds the only difference.

Turning to wood

It is the very absence of judgement when you cry into a horses mane...

Listening to the ponies eat

Listening to the ponies eat tonight, I knew a few things I didn't know this morning. It happens like that. Try listening to ponies eat, it clears your head, welcomes epiphany.

Amber, I'm not always a lady

And that is what I think of Her being next to me!

Patch's new door

Patch seemingly lets it roll off his back however I think my blanketed buddy might just like the idea of eating dinner and retiring for the with some relative peace (and a door)!

Titles and the beginning of the blog

I was thinking about decisions, how and why we make them; it hit me that I make them according to title...I am a daughter, a sister, a mom, a grandmother, ... and most recently a horse owner.

Big Love Texas Sytle

That he will lay his big head in my lap and let me fuss over him completely certainly does help in the "I think Tex is the greatest ever" arena! I can't imagine him not being with me to be honest.

First Love

I climbed under the fence and spent about 30 minutes untangling her mane and removing the twigs. It was our bonding moment, we have a great relationship today. She is most definitely my first "horsey love"...

Leo, my savior

At one point he lifted his head, looked me dead in the eye, sighed and put his head on my lap as if to say "It's ok mom, it's all gonna be ok". Funny thing is, I believed him...

Question of the day...

Patch sees me first and knows what's up; he's at the gate looking as handsome as always and the guilt starts..."Damn it he knows what time it is and he's gonna be disappointed"

Monday, November 28, 2011

Mascara, pony tails, and balance

Sometimes it feels as if this has been my life forever. Sometimes it feels like there has always been a parade of very large four legged creatures running through my life. Sometimes it feels like this desire to save one or two or five or ten has always been there. Sometimes water buckets, hay in my bra, and pitch forks seem more natural then putting on mascara.

There was a time, not too horribly long ago, when putting on mascara could be done without looking, while driving down I5. There was a time, not too horribly long ago, when how I looked on the outside meant the world to me. There was a time, not too horribly long ago, when my grey hair was horrifying.

Tonight I went with Cathy over to Teresa's house for a girls night/hair cutting session. I have done little more then toss my wet hair into a pony tail or a bun since I left Avaland. It will be one year, to the day, in four days. It has not been cut. It has not been touched by a professional. It's had the benefit of perhaps three days where I attempted to wear it down; one day I made it till about noon, one day till nearly four and the third, I barely made ten am.

I have missed the feel of having my hair fussed with professionally. I think tonight I not only found a hair dresser I also found that a bit of balance would be a good thing to think about. I enjoy the girly stuff, I always have. I love my hair, truth be told. I have, of late, found it to be a right pain in the ass. I have neglected it under the guise of "growing it out". This is not to say I didn't want to grow it out, it is to say that a more accurate explanation of why pony tails and no fussing became so attractive is cause it's a pain in my ass. It takes forever to dry, it never does exactly what I want, I am pretty flippin' convinced it'd look way better on someone else's head and frankly I get sick of fucking with it!

In my defense the last 361 days have been filled with horse shit, very little company, and a lot of time spent thinking about what I looked like on the inside.

Balance, I suspect, is in order :-)








Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Ima Cool Skip Kid

Katie, officially Ima Cool Skip Kid, is my mare. She is roughly 14.2; I suspect she exceeds the official "pony" measurement however I also suspect that I don't care either which way anymore. I did, at one time, care a great deal that Katie was officially a "pony".  She's also "Impressive Bred"; not necessarily looked at a a good thing. Words like "hot" often come up. Is Katie "hot"; suppose it depends who you ask. I say Katie is as sensitive as she is intelligent and as a result of that well many are put off by her opinions, and she has them. I do think she is "Hot" however I am pretty sure my definition is a touch different (you gotta see her).

Fact is Katie has a bad reputation. She's difficult, she's bitchy, she's this, she's that. I'd like to clear up a few things.

Katie is gorgeous, no one has ever disputed that :-)

Katie is super smart, no one disputed that one either. If there was a "non smart" one in the discussion surrounding me and Katie, it was usually me. Trust me when I say that may have been true the day I bought Katie, it is not always true today.

Katie is sensitive, very.

Katie has trust issues with new people.

Katie makes super mean faces.

Katie bites her boyfriends.

Katie will steal food if given half a chance (she's kinda a pig and would eat herself silly if she could figure out how to accomplish the same).

Katie will give you a kiss if you ask her.

Katie will nuzzle your shirt, jacket, pocket, shoulder, or pony tail if you are standing by her stall and not paying her enough attention. Katie will NOT bite you, she will simply move her nose around like a giant anteater until you relent and tell her how gorgeous she is.

Katie likes to work.

Katie likes to please.

Katie tries her damnedest to do what you are asking.

Katie will tell you if she is unhappy with your treatment of her. After Katie tells you, she will simply not comply, I've seen it happen more than once.

If Katie thinks she is scary to you, she will continue to be scary to you.

Katie doesn't give two shits if she is never in another show again.

Katie hates Mr. Leo. Katie has never kicked Mr. Leo. Katie shakes her head at him every morning when he comes into her stall to drink her water; never once has she done more then that. He understands and leaves, Katie may hate Mr. Leo but she would not hurt him.

Katie shakes her head if she is confused, frustrated, mad, or impatient.

Katie has the cutest nicker ever.

Katie doesn't need to be sold or leased to someone "better" than me. Katie needs to be loved, secure, and able to ride about with her person when we are able.

Katie has that with me, Katie has had that with me for longer then I think I realized. Katie and I will take some good old fashioned lessons together in preparation for spring. Come spring Katie and I will put on super cute English tack and go explore the trails. Katie won't be sold or leased out. Katie is my mare for more reasons than I recognized until very recently.

Katie has proven once again that she is a touch smarter then her person; it didn't take her this long to tell me she was happy ;-)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Looking closer to home...

A little over a year ago I started this blog. It was after an evening at Diamond Hill Ranch, watching Katie free jump under Sarah's care. I left that evening wondering if I would ever find a place in this world I wanted so badly to be a part of. I left that evening wondering if I would ever do justice to the wonderful mare that I 'owned'. Honestly I left that evening pretty convinced that I would never be able to 'do her justice'. I left that evening feeling a little sorry for myself.

Today, Katie is home. Today, Katie doesn't wait in her stall until it is time to 'work'. Today, Katie eats breakfast in her stall and then she goes outside to play with Brody. Today, I greet Katie with a kiss nearly every morning. Today, when I say "scoot your butt" she moves. Today, I could toss on the bareback pad and  bitless bridle and 'play' (walk / trot in circles) in the arena and never worry. Today, I trust her. Today, she trusts me. Today, I wondered if maybe the belief that Katie was too good for me was played out.

If restarting my lessons is what I want, if a horse at the Ranch I can trust is what I want, perhaps I can look closer to home. Look to the horse that I have loved since I laid eyes on her.

It's a thought...


Saturday, November 19, 2011

"Oh my, you smell like a horse"

Earlier I went up to clean the stalls and Katie came to visit. She likes to stick her head in the window and watch; if I am in Brody's stall she usually gets to munch on the hay he left on the window ledge (he takes a bite, goes to the window, repeat. A lot of hay ends up outside his window and on the ledge!) so it's a win win for the Princess. I tend to sing to her, kiss her big old nose, and tell her a bit about my day.

Today when she stuck her head in the window and I went over to brush the dirt off her neck, perhaps grab a horsey kiss before the real shoveling started, I noticed that she actually smelled like a horse. Because my filter is never in place with the ponies, my first comment to her was "Oh my! You smell like a horse!". Katie usually smells prettier then her mom ;-) I am obsessed with well groomed horses, this is no secret. I have to remind (lecture) myself daily so that I do not go overboard!

Tonight she smelled like a horse; a wonderful musky, warm, honest smell that can never compare to the fussy, perfumed scent that typically follows her around. Instead, she had an admirable amount of dirt on her butt, a smudge on her nose, a twig hanging in her mane, and a healthy dose of horse scents when she leaned into the barn window.

I loved her a little more the moment I took a breath. I didn't even care that she had no idea why it mattered to me that tonight, she smelled like a horse!


Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Princess, AKA P

So Kate and I were talking, those of you that know Kate and I probably have a damn good idea where this story is going!

See there is this horse ;-) I couldn't resist! There is of course a horse in the story, the nice thing is this is a current horse. We aren't sitting about trying to figure out where and which one of us can house a poor horse that is without a home; we are talking about my first horsey love, the wonderful Miss P.

Kate has said that P could come hang out at the barn and I could work with her. P is my dream horse, she has been my dream horse since the moment I picked those tangles out of her mane. I feel safe with P, I know P, I trust P and I plain old love the hell out of that horse. I would have absolutely NO problem taking an hour out of my day to work with P. Those who know me probably have a damned good idea of how huge that is. There are very few horses in this world that I'd feel comfortable pulling out of their stall to work with (not take care of, I'm exceptional with take care of). Cathy has said many times I could ride either Diamond or Cocoa whenever I wanted, I actually got on Duke for a few minutes once. Fact is, I'd probably not have the guts to just decide I wanna ride and walk on over to grab Diamond. This is NOT because Cathy has indicated that I have even one reason to not feel free enough to do just that, it is me and my crazy wackadoo (Kate's word) thought process. This is what I'd do to myself...

1. Sitting in the store I think "Hmm it'd sure be fun to walk (maybe trot) around the arena" (let's face it folks Carol doesn't canter).

2. "Well Cathy said I could always ride Diamond"

3. "Hmmm she even said I could ride Cocoa and he's older" (let's face it folks Carol doesn't canter).

4. "You're not a great rider".

5. "You'll probably confuse them".

6. "Cathy will likely think you are a hack if she sees you and never let you touch another horse again"

7.  Now I'm nervous.

8.  "You'll just make them nervous".

9.  "When are you going to get over this and stop punishing yourself"

10. "Hmmm maybe I'll go wander over and see Rio"

None of that would happen with P. I feel safe with P, I know P, I couldn't feel more comfortable with a horse. I have to talk to Cathy. I really would love for P to be up at the barn with me. I could take an hour out of my day and give her a bath; I'll tell ya what, that girl would be the cleanest Palomino Pony this side of the Mason Dixon line!

I could take her out and we could do ground work (she loves it, really she does). I could take her out and we could walk/trot around the arena  (let's face it folks, Carol doesn't wanna canter). We could practice for trail rides come this summer. P doesn't really wanna go fast, neither do I. She is amazing, out of Hollywood Dun It (she says as if she cares), crazy well bred. She just doesn't want to work too terribly hard and she'd prefer not too many people touch her. Seriously, has there ever been a description of a horse that fits me better than that?! I think not.

Plus, I could kiss her whenever I wanted and I could snuggle up to her mane any time I wanted (she loves it, really she does). There really is nothing like snuggling up in P's mane.

Yep, yep, I must talk to Cathy and Kate and figure this out. P being up there with me would be just flippin' perfect and goodness knows when something is "just flippin' perfect" it warrants a little figuring out ;-)






Friday, September 30, 2011

There's dog food in the bathroom

I was walking through the house today realizing that it was probably more messy & disorganized then it's been in any recent history. I made my way into the bathroom, looked to the floor and thought to myself "great there's dog food in the bathroom"; that about summed it up.

It's been a messy & disorganized couple of months. I attribute it to the amount of loss this last year has handed us here at the farm, Patch being the most recent.

Texas is going back home to Sarah's on Sunday & I am hoping that will conclude the string of losses this year. We could all use a bit of a break. At least with Texas I know he's gonna be just as loved as he ever was so although I've shed the tears and will do more of the same this weekend I can do so knowing he's going to be fine. It's a hell of a long way from the grief that we felt when Patch left, however it is grief nonetheless. I'll miss the big guy beyond what I am willing to express right now; I'm a little tired of crying on my blog.

So after finding the dog food in the bathroom; I still don't know why Leo brought two pieces in there, he wouldn't say. In any case afterward I went about cleaning the kitchen up a bit, vacuumed, and started on the remaining blankets I have here to wash. The dog food is still in the bathroom, baby steps people, baby steps. I feel better, I didn't cry today, my eyes are finally back to their normal size and I can walk through the front room, if not the bathroom, and not shake my head in disgust at my lack of housekeeping skills these last few weeks!

Tomorrow I work at the Fishline which always brings a smile. Tonight we'll burn some cardboard in the fire-pit, sit around listen to the ponies eat, and enjoy the view.

Perhaps I'll get the motivation to pick up Leo's leftovers before days end however if not, in the grand scheme of things when dog food in the bathroom is my biggest problem of the day I guess I ought not complain!


Thursday, September 15, 2011

CraigsList.Org & Masochistic Tendencies

I comb the For Sale listings in "Farm & Garden" on CraigsList daily. I do not "browse" I comb. It is an addiction and slightly masochistic considering what I am "combing" for. Ponies, ponies, and more ponies. Ponies that have served their "owners" and find themselves at 20 with no "job", rendering them "useless". Ponies that were bred cause "babies are cute". Ponies that have had one tragedy followed by the next. Ponies that, for the most part, no one wants.

This is not to say there are not legitimate sales on Craigslist.

This is to say that my bleeding heart, tree hugging, animal loving, liberal self can't seem to find her way to any ad that displays a perfectly good pony/horse owned by a person I'd respect. I gloss over those, they don't have a "story"; well perhaps it's more that their "story" is not tragic enough to catch my eye.

Every day there is a pony (horse) out there that someone wants to discard as if it matters less than last nights left overs. Scratch that, every day there are scores of ponies (horses) on there that no one wants for one reason or the next and the only hope is to "get rid of" said pony (horse).

The pony is old, the pony is more work then the person thought, the grand kids changed their minds, the kid went off to college, the pony is more work then the person thought...

Disposable.

It turns my stomach and I'm not a "horse person" (by traditional definition). It makes me question "horse people" and "dog people" and every other kind of "people" when used in conjunction. It makes me glad that I am yet to be classified.

In the same breath it is a little masochistic to comb craiglist looking at ponies (horses) I can't help. It's a lot masochistic to go looking for examples of that every day.

There should be an application that blocks ads that contain the words "has been with us for fifteen years but..." or "would be a great kids pony with a little work..." or "was a broodmare for the last two/five/ten years but could be..." or "bought the pony for my grandkids/husband/friends to ride but..."

Disposable.

Breaks my heart, just breaks my heart; slightly masochistic to keep going back.





Tuesday, September 13, 2011

He really does make me smile

Brody was great tonight when I insisted that he needed jamma's.


He really does make me smile.


Monday, September 12, 2011

Time travel, past lives, and all that we become

26 years, one month, and ten days ago I gave birth to my son Joshua.

Five or so minutes ago I shed a few tears for that girl. Leo was on the porch and heard me, he came over to my chair, licked my hand, climbed up on the chair arm and rested his head on my arm for a minute before settling under my desk. How anyone can discount the compassion in animals I'll never know.

It also brought me back to today. Sitting here today I like who I am, I also respect the girl I was back then. The former is a statement that has held true for awhile, the latter is very recent.

About two weeks ago a friend of mine changed the very fabric of my life by locating the man whom had fathered Joshua. To say this was a shock is probably the understatement of my life, as well as Joshua's. Two weeks ago I started looking back, remembering things I had long since forgotten, examining decisions made by a person I was so far away from being today that I spent a lot of time shaking my head. I must admit, I had forgotten all about her; it all feels like five lifetimes ago. I still can't put it to words, I still don't understand it all, I still have no idea how it will shake out. I'm still desperately confused about what this means for myself and the one person in the world that I'd lay over railroad tracks for. There is nothing that compares to what you feel for your child, there are very few words that can do it justice. I rarely write on Joshua because of that, today is no different, it's still nearly impossible for me to write about him.

Today what is different is that I do know that the very confused little girl that gave birth to him deserves some respect. Hiding her in some closet because she was a mere 16 is grossly unfair. To know that I was still punishing her and judging her is hard to process. When had I forgotten that she was the reason I made it through what could have turned into a teen-aged tragedy? Why had I forgotten that?

In speaking to my mom last night I gushed on about how great it was too feel like myself again; it had been two weeks since I felt even close to normal and I attributed this to an epiphany I had standing around the barn feeding everyone their last meal of the day. I was talking to Katie for a few minutes about her crabby face behavior and kissing her nose when it hit me that I was actually a pretty damned good person in spite of all the chaos that colored my early years. I wasn't bitter, I wasn't angry, my life hadn't been a statistic; I was actually a pretty darned good person. I had no reason to carry this shame surrounding my age when Joshua was born, I actually had reason to be proud of who I was and what I had done, the odds we had beat. I can't say that I'm entirely comfortable with being proud of it all quite yet however I am closer.

It's funny, not ha ha funny, how the animals in my life continue to remind me who I am. Katie didn't 'do' much, she just let me kiss her nose and returned the favor with a sloppy smudge to my cheek. Still that simple kiss from her reminded me that I was a person full of compassion, love, understanding, intelligence, and faith. Today when I sat to write and ended up tearing up Leo simply came over to remind me that he loved me, that it was ok, that the faith I held onto was righteous. One more huge lesson delivered through the ones that can not speak...amazing, just amazing.




Sunday, September 11, 2011

Self indulgence

I woke this morning, fed the horses in slippers and headed back to the couch to cuddle with Leo. I stayed there until about 10am. I had a dream that Leo got clipped by a car. Later that morning Leo disappeared to the creek and I spent ten minutes calling his name expecting every horrible thing you can imagine. He finally came screaming up the pasture, ears flat on his head, doing at least fifteen miles an hour, covered in mud from his chest down. I was walking up to the top of the pasture pretending that I wasn't walking the fence line in fear that the dream had come true.

We made our way to the beach with the kids and Leo in tow. We walked the beach, turned over logs and saw crabs. We picked up crabs smaller than my thumb. Met a super cool Canadian Goose and gave him my bottled water and a few chips. I talked some other lady into giving the goose some bread and discussed how I could justify taking the poor guy home and feeding him regularly...

Later I went with a good friend to look at a house she wants to buy. I think the Realtor thought we were "together". It was rather funny. Angela was walking about chatting and there I was inspecting, lifting up carpet edges, looking at the ceiling for proof of leaking, cataloging everything that was not perfect in my head, deducting money from the asking price as I walked through; very serious business! It was great to go with her, we laughed a bit, mostly about my inability to see a damn thing at night time however it was good to laugh. To not be so serious.

I also met a cat, of course! I resisted to take said cat home with me. I am convinced the poor thing either has no home or heard through the animal grapevine that I am a sucker for a furry face.

Today I think I am going to spend hours in my jamma pants and slippers, perhaps rake some leaves, clean a few stalls, talk to Tex for awhile and remind Katie that even when she's pissed she's the prettiest little pony ever! Mr. Leo might get a few extra hugs today and goodness knows Brody will as well.

I'm gonna indulge in all that makes me smile and I'm going to do it all day long. The changes have been too many of late and I think a little self indulgence is in order.



Friday, September 9, 2011

Time & all that jazz

They say time heals. I don't think time heals, it can't heal, it's just time. What you do with that time, that's what heals.

I thought that last night when I was remembering my dad, it was his birthday. I thought that last night when I remembered my son's teenage years. I thought that last night when I remembered my Aunt, my brother, and Patch, I even threw in my software career for good measure.

I'm not even sure why I'm not angry. I'm pretty sure that if I were, it'd be justified.

Then I came back from turning the lights off in the barn.

Having finished delivering the "lights out" hay, standing next to Texas, my hand resting on his rump, my head laid against the same, I wondered how, in the presence of the most forgiving animals on the planet, I thought I could justify my anger. I couldn't.

So tonight I'll go to bed and remember that for all the loss there is love and that is where, and how, time might actually heal







Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I could have bought a fish...

Tonight while I sat and took random pictures of the horses from the hammock, I felt the weight of them in a way that rarely strikes me. They aren't perfect; it's not all pretty pictures and lackadaisical romps about the 'arena' or the 'trail system' (on a really good day!).

Katie is pissed, for example. I also think Katie is in season; either that or Texas has also lost his mind! Season or not Katie is pissed and whereas Katie needs to get over herself I need to help her do that in a way that is safe for Katie. What does that mean with Katie in this circumstance? It means it means spending time with her, just normal, do nothing, one on one time, even when I'd much rather let her twirl her big butt around the stall cause she is pissed. Reminding her that yes, she is The Princess however she is Not The Queen, if you will.

Tex has a sensitive eye, I swear to god the boy gets dust and his eye is upset. He is also prone to hurting his foot. If anyone steps on a rock and bruises themselves around here it is Texas. Tex is also afraid of Simon (the cat) and has taken to jetting off from wherever he is if Simon comes into view; Simon has taken to hiding in the pasture...I think he enjoys it...

They break legs...they aren't perfect. I worry.

They need vitamins, they need grain, they need an incredible amount of hay, they have blankets, they get their feet done, they require patience and more research then any child I've raised, they won't let me sleep in and they sure keep me from dancing the night away.

They break legs...

Brody needs about 150 pounds, Tex needs more exercise, Katie needs to get back into training...

They break legs...they cost a small fortune...

Their lives are in my very small hands and every once in awhile the weight of that hits me. It hit me yesterday afternoon and I wondered what possessed me to begin this journey with horses; I could have bought a fish...




Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Birthdays, Brody, and a few rainbows tossed in

Yesterday was my birthday and the first time in five years it wasn't celebrated with my AvaAnniversary. For that I continue to be grateful.

We had company and a nice relaxing day at the farm. I made rainbows with the sprinkler, thought of Melissa and her love of rainbows. I tried conjuring up a unicorn but I fell a bit short. :-)

I still sit down to write and go immediately to Patch. I can't express how badly I miss him. Every day I see his spotted little rear end meandering over to me when I am cleaning stalls, I look out the front door and wonder why no one comes to the door for treats anymore...I don't suppose I'll get over Patch anytime soon, he was so very special.

Brody is doing well. I am not sure how much weight has gone back on him however I do know he is eating better and it shows. He's a super sweet boy really. We did our morning exercises and now everyone is out to play. Watching him move is a different experience. He moves so differently, he seemingly floats above the ground. We have been concentrating on ground work, leading, space, listening, patience (not really "work"). We spend about a half an hour in the arena after breakfast walking about. We are kicking some serious ass in the wedding march game :-) Walk, stop, walk, stop. He probably thinks I have lost my ever loving mind but he cooperates and I think he knows we're doing this all for a reason. We also spend a considerable amount of time at night time brushing, massaging, etc etc. He seems to be pretty happy with the situation at hand.

However...his roommates. Tex is pretty good, he doesn't mind Brody and is trying to figure him out most of the time. Katie on the other hand is not his biggest fan. I am thinking of dubbing her "Princess Crabby Pants". She has decided that Brody does not deserve the end stall, the tape that is now hung between the two is insulting (to her), and if she twists and turns enough in her stall maybe he'll understand that the only reason her foot isn't planted in his ass is cause I put a wall there. Pretty sure she's pissed that I moved her bucket to the other wall too; I am all but certain Brody is getting the blame for that! She's pretty funny actually. The other morning I went to feed breakfast and there she was, ears pinned clean against her head staring at me as if she would rather take food from Leo! Katie has no forelock (and I am not overstating this) when Katie pins her ears she looks like the biggest boa constrictor alive. I call it her "snake face". It's pretty scary if you don't know that all she wants is a kiss :-) So the other morning she was doing her best impression of a giant snake, I laughed and greeted her with "How is my favorite pretty little pissed off pony". I am 99% sure she did not think it was funny! She did perk right back up when I held her bald little face and kissed her nose. Silly tough acting pony! Really I think she is pissed cause when he first got here she was all about snuggling up as close as she could to sniff him however he'd just walk away, it took approximately two/three days of being ignored to piss her right off! Katie does NOT get ignored, she IS a princess ;-) She's been a bitch ever since (I mean that in the nicest way possible).

Starting tomorrow we will be doing Brody's exercises followed by Miss Katie's. Perhaps a little one on one is what she needs. We will see, we will see :-)






Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Keeping it light

It's kinda hard to believe it's been only three weeks since Patch left. I find it easier to think of it like that.

Brody is home, he is amazing and doing well. When I am better able to write, I plan on documenting his progress.

Leo is doing well, hot spot and all. He's been pretty cuddly these last few weeks. He generally sleeps at the foot of the bed, lately he is right next to me curled up as if we were puzzle pieces. I appreciate every second.

Katie and Tex are still pretty glued to one another however Tex is trying very hard to make friends with Brody. That's kinda nice to see considering who we are talking about :-) I suppose "sweet" is more apt however Tex might not appreciate the word as much as I do. Katie is reaching out as well, preening is probably more apt however I doubt she'd appreciate that word.

All in all we're settling in, trying to move on, trying to continue without him. It's hard, it's necessary, it's ... life.

I spend a lot of time watching them all, appreciating them all, being thankful that I have them and remembering that they also have me. Keeping it kinda light so we remember the love more then we remember the sadness.

It's hard, it's also possible. One day soon I'll be able to tell Brody's story and with it all of ours. Perhaps it won't do a thing for anyone except us; there is the off chance that it will touch someone outside of the farm and with that help one soul from the sadness that comes with being deemed "useless".




Sunday, August 7, 2011

The debt is mine, Part two


I couldn't really see "stop touching him" as an option.

I felt like an awkward little kid asking if I could go in with him. I knew I was afraid of going in there with him and prayed no one else could see it. So I kicked the dirt with my, ever muddy, tennis shoes and felt five years old asking Drea if I could go in to see him. For the record this fear had nothing to do with being hurt by him. I was kind of embarrassed by how how badly I wanted to go in there with him, almost as if I had been caught kissing the boy I swore I did NOT like. I suppose I didn't really want Drea or Kate to know how flippin' hopeless I was. 


I was renting out the extra stall. I did not want this gelding moving in. My interest was no deeper then your basic sympathy for his plight. Touching him wasn't going to send a lightning bolt through the sunshine for my self delusion plus Kate and Drea weren't going to notice a damn thing, they were chatting.  


I laid my hands on him and felt him lean into me. I couldn't help but think that he needed to somehow find his way back, back to himself. It was as if he knew with each push against my hand that he was disconnected. 

When I first met Brody, I was all but drowning in grief. It was the very day after Patch had to be put down. I thought long and hard in the week that followed about what I felt when I first met Brody; was it Brody or was it my grief that was reaching out to me? I also felt guilty, like I was somehow cheating on Patch by even entertaining the thought.

Then I went back and ended up in his paddock feeling him lean into my hands. I could feel Patch with me however it wasn't grief and it was not guilt. I closed my eyes and just felt for a few, tried to listen to this Universe that had pissed me off so badly the last couple weeks. Somewhere in that moment I could feel Patch nodding in approval, letting me know that it was ok, that the motives weren't to replace him and he knew that. 

I went around to Brody's face and held his chin, looking at him I quite literally asked him what he wanted. We stood there looking at each other for a minute or so then I went and sat down on the edge of his stall. He watched me and I watched him. When I settled I held out my hand and asked him to come over. No words just the offering of my hand, which was visibly empty.


I feel a little crazy admitting it but I was testing this belief that there was a lot more to this than me simply feeling for Brody's circumstance, that these connections I felt weren't one sided or based in grief. With every touch I had been asking Brody the same question. I believed I felt the answer with every gentle push into my hands. When we stood face to face with his chin in my hand I believed he answered me. I wanted confirmation I suppose, so I went and sat on the edge of his stall and offered him my hand, quite literally. 


He came over. He nuzzled a bit then looked at me sitting there as if it was all a touch confusing for him as well. He stepped around me then and went to eat. I got up and followed him in. I apologized for bothering him while he ate and remarked at how dirty petting him had made my hands. I did toss in that I didn't care, I was dirty all the time anyway. 


Kate's phone had rung twice, it was Joshua. He was waiting at Albertson's with groceries; we were only supposed to be gone for "just a little bit". I knew I had to leave, Kate knew we had to leave. I honestly wasn't ready and finally announced that I ought to stop bothering him while he ate and get out of there. I'm pretty sure the announcement was for me.


As we left I blithely (cool word isnt it?) tossed out "gosh I want him & I'll send you pictures of my "Pony Paradise" I heard Drea's response of "I think it'd be a great fit" as we got closer to the car. 


We got back here and I showed off my newly cleaned barn to Kate and remembered the pictures I took of "Pony Paradise" for the ad. Finally standing down looking at the front yard I asked Kate if she thought this was the dumbest idea ever. She said what I already knew; from an economic stand point of course it was a dumb idea (when isn't a 1000 pound eating machine a dumb idea economically?) however from a "he needs you and you need him" stand point it was the only idea. God knows when I started looking to the ground for answers when I was confused but I found myself, once again, kicking the dirt and shaking my head.


After Kate left, rather than obsess, cause we all know I don't do that, I went about looking at the pictures I took. I deluded myself into thinking I was putting this album together for the potential boarder that made more sense then anything else. As I added captions I knew Drea would be the only person to see the pictures, I finished them up and wrote her an email. There was still a part of me that hoped she'd think I was a looney tunes with my talk of approval from Patch and tell me that Brody needed a sane person.


I went to bed that evening and dreamt of Patch, we talked. I woke feeling wonderful. I knew that if Brody were meant to be here, he'd be here. I knew that Patch wasn't concerned that I was replacing him. I knew that Patch wanted me to share all he taught me with Brody.


I am almost over thinking I am a lunatic for believing all that I believe where they are concerned. I'm almost over being embarrassed to admit that the logical person I try to show the world is simply a small part of who I am. I am "touchy, feely, new aged freaky" about them (animals). I do believe that Brody knew what I was asking and I do believe he answered me in the only language available to him. I do believe that Patch approves and I firmly believe he was there with me through every confusing moment.  



Patch was very disconnected when I first met him; in helping him find his way back to himself he helped me find my way back to myself. A lot of people will tell you that horses changed their lives; loving them changed them as a person. For me, they helped me find my way back to who I have always been. They helped me, and are helping me still, to not be so afraid of who I am. For that, the debt is mine.



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