Removing should from your vocabulary

The other day, yesterday actually, I explained my theory on the word should to a good friend of mine. She was stating that she should not feel this or that about a situation; the circumstances don't really matter in this case. I listened for a bit then remembered my mom telling me not too many months ago (perhaps a year) that should implied blame and perhaps replacing that word with a kinder word, could for example, might just change my outlook on whatever situation I thought I was, or had, handled incorrectly. I shared it with my friend last night and was reminded of it again today.

I.E. I should have (insert action) vs. I could have (insert action). 

Should leaves very little room for growth; with should you are concentrating on what went south as opposed to how come it went south and exploring the options that may have resulted in a better outcome.
It's also incredibly hard to stop saying should.

Today a very dear friend, arguably my closest friend, had to make a decision that, right or wrong, breaks a person's heart. I wondered a million times throughout the day if she was alright and prayed she wasn't "shoulding" herself to death. It's strangely easy to do. I suppose it makes sense, if you accept blame you can hang on to the belief that you can, or could have, fix(ed) whatever the problem may have been if only you were better - in whatever way you've decided you are lacking! 

Could - for example - leaves it (whatever it may be) open for exploration, for thinking, for learning, for possibility; none of which you can obtain if you are busying yourself with blame.

Today I came home and Rev didn't feel good. I panicked of course, the very thought of any of them being hurt or sick or uncomfortable finds my heart beating like crazy and my mind racing. That being said when push comes to shove I can handle an emergency; once I know something is wrong, once I know I can't afford to freak out and cry, I don't. Of course the initial panic sucks :-) 

In any case he was not feeling good, he is ok. He doesn't feel great but he is in no danger. 

It's been crazy dry here and as a result I have a ton of sand, not dirt, sand. They eat lunch outside (everything else is in their stalls) and I was becoming worried that sand colic could be a problem. Last Saturday I put them all on sand clear (or a version thereof). Rev is mighty sensitive and will benefit from ProBios I think however that is more of a side note. I do believe the poor baby has a tummy ache. His temperature is normal, he has pooped, he did me the courtesy of multiple farts (one of which occurred while taking his temperature, effectively in my hand), he has plenty of gut sounds, he is eating. He is also uncomfortable, but not critical by any stretch. Much to his dismay, he is also being monitored and the vet will be called at any repeated signs of upset.

I did not, through this, say to myself "you should have..." "it's your fault cause of the sand..." etc... etc...
I thought, from now we will all be on Psyllium because there is sand and it's not worth the risk.I thought, you are learning from this so that you can prevent any upset in the future.

Yes, I "could" have started them on a Psyllium regiment long ago and possibly prevented any upset for Rev. I  "could" have kept him on ProBios just because it "seemed" to have positive (read no ill) effects. Both of those "could" have prevented his tummy ache this evening, it also might not have. That does not make the Psyllium regiment or ProBios anything less than a good idea. Using "could" however not only took the blame away from something I (in reality) have little control over, it also opened up the thought process enough to let learning happen.

I suppose one can't complain too loudly about that.

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It's like a win-win-win.

Simply put, they are my babies. I'd lay across rail road tracks for each one of them. I'd not even so much as hesitate.

Recently I secured a position that will let me take care of my babies with one less worry. It's been a worrisome couple years; not that they knew, pretty sure I am the only one that ended up with an ulcer.

It's been a nice few hours, letting it all sink in. A bit of freedom, an air of relief, and if I were inclined to be honest, I'd say I was rather proud of myself.

Securing the position isn't really all that impressive; not securing the position, based on my qualifications, would have been devastating. Ok, so maybe not devastating but a blow to the old ego. I digress, my apologies.

What is impressive however, is that this crazy last twenty some odd months has changed me in ways what will actually let me do the job I have loved, since the first problem was presented to me, without motive for more. I honestly just want to do a good job, earn a decent income as a result, learn and grow as much as I can while doing it, and take care of my family.

The family I take care of these days consists of three wonderful horses, two spectacular dogs, a few chickens (who tend to scare me), and a beautiful cat. Taking care of them is paramount to me, there is simply no other word. Over the last twenty some odd months I've struggled with decisions surrounding their care, surrounding what was best for them, for us as a family, for me as a person, and let me tell you, there were a lot of scary 'oh my god' moments through those decisions. There was work and there was more work. There were adjustments and sacrifices. There have been balancing acts and sighs of relief. Bottom line always came down to what was best for them and I found, like most mothers, I'd do anything to make sure that happened. I always knew it, in my defense, it had just been a long time since I had to work so hard and so many angles to do it.  And my goodness the lessons in humility and strength alike were, let's just say, frequent.

None of these worries will go away and I pray that the lessons still come as frequently, goodness knows I've got an awful lot left to learn. They probably won't even lessen much. I'll still worry about hay quality, dentist appointments that need to be made, shoes that need to be had, diet issues, blankets, stall floors, riding frequency, and every other possible problem you can imagine. I will, with any luck, wake each day with a lesson to be had. With even more luck, I'll recognize the possibility enough to accept the lesson! I will however do it all with a little financial relief and bonus, it is doing something I love to do. It's like the best win-win I've had in the last few years.

When you take into consideration, that I'll not lose me in doing a great job, it's like a win-win-win.

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