Some people have a crisis of conscience; me, I have a crisis of confidence. It's one of those things that find me hiding in my head, wishing for a magical book that will explain why and save me the trouble of analyzing every possible reason. In case any of you wondered, that process can not only take an incredible amount of time and energy, it can also make the crisis worse. Because there is no magical book to explain the why's of my mind I have found myself analyzing everything for weeks, months is probably more accurate. I believe it all came to a head when we (Cathy and I) were working with Katie and she came close to kicking me square in the head. Now she didn't kick me square in the head and all was well (outwardly); I walked out of that arena shaking like the proverbial leaf. I'm still not sure if Cathy noticed, for the record I don't want to know.
After that day (it was just last week sometime) I found myself in my head once again doubting every horse decision I had ever made. I do some amazing things to myself when I crawl into my head and decide no one will understand. I can go from "it's ok not to be perfect, it is a totally new way of looking at them (from a work perspective)" to "what the hell is wrong with you, you can't do this, people don't "start" something of this magnitude at 40 some odd years old, give up, they deserve better, you're gonna ruin them, etc etc etc" And around we go; the worse merry go round ever!
I knew I had to do something. I didn't like this attack on my confidence one tiny bit and frankly it's not all that deserved, unless of course you're a self conscience freak that expects to be perfect.
I knew if I was gonna get over this I needed the help of a horse that I wasn't going to worry me, at least it seemed a logical place to start. I knew that was neither Katie or Brody. Katie well Katie can be Katie and then I get nervous, she feels that, and arrrrrrrrrrrrround we go. Confidence builder...no. She expects you to be confident and right now I am anything but. Brody is just now at the point where he is healthy, he is just now getting his feet back, I can't ask him to help me find mine. I doubt myself, he is already unsure of himself, and arrrrrrrrrrround we go.
I also knew P was not gonna happen, with her all that doubt goes away. For some reason that horse has never made me feel anything but perfectly ok with whatever we were doing. P's path however isn't my path and I suppose I had to finally come to terms with that.
So I found an Appy, 26, laid back, anyone could ride, build your confidence, personality out the ying yang, blanketed butt, etc etc. Can we say "Patch"? Ta Da problem solved right? How about no. Even I could see what this horse represented to me with no more than a second to step back; being I have been living in my head lately, I had more then a second to think about my motives. That being said, I was also ignoring that and set to go see him, figure out how supporting three was a good idea again, oh and let us not forget, convince everyone I know that I wasn't crazy.
I asked Cathy to go with me to see/meet him. Naturally she wanted to know why and I was finally faced with saying aloud what had been consuming about 90% of my brain power for the last month. I felt like I was trying to learn to walk again and I wanted a horse that already knew how to walk perfectly to help me through it. I could not ask Katie to be that horse, I could not ask Brody to be that horse; this appy whom sounded so much like Patch, him I could ask.
We went out that night, after I showed Cathy his ad. I had yet to ask her to go with me, I waited on that until later. Later yet I tried to explain my apprehension where the horses were concerned as well as my attraction to this appy. I'd like to think the few beers I had prior to attempting to explain had no affect; that being said, I am fairly certain I sounded ... at least scattered, at worse scattered and terrified. I did wake slightly embarrassed by my admissions.
Cathy texted me the next day and brought up Austin. Joe & Stacy were willing to let Austin stay up at the ranch so I could ride him, work with him.
Cathy came and got me and we went up to the barn, Joe and Austin were there. Cathy rode Austin a bit in the bareback pad then I hopped on for a whopping three minutes.
Austin was rescued by Stacy and Joe a couple years ago. He's an older guy. He's about as relaxed as he is lovable. He's not a big guy, he's not a small guy. He has wonderful eyes and a gentle feel about him. He's pretty much exactly what I was looking for when I found the ad for the appy. Austin also meant I didn't buy another horse. Austin was also the horse of people whom I respected. It took me all of five seconds to recognize the gift.
