I've been a mom for 9,670 days, sounds impressive doesn't it? I could have just as easily said, my son is 26, a touch less dramatic really. Over the years my son has chosen a path that is completely baffling to me, harmful for him, and painful for everyone connected to either of us. I've often related the feeling to watching him ram his head into a brick wall, bring himself back to me for bandaging, only to ram into the very same wall he just recently walked away from.
The most recent events certainly don't need to be detailed on here, the core issue is the same. How do you function when your child is hell bent on a path that can lead to one, of a few, bad ends. Coping is really all it comes down to because you can't make it not hurt, you can't remove the worry, you can only try to cope.
Today I cleaned up at the Ranch, it's Tuesday, it's my day. You'd be surprised at how it clears your mind; the mindless physical act coupled with the occasional petting of a forehead. There is something soothing about working the muscles I suppose. I know it's soothing to pet the ponies ;-)
I got home pretty early because Cathy helped me clean today. When I got home I decided to let the ponies mix it up. The integration process for Brody is slow going. Brody sees Rev as competition. They do just grand for a bit then Rev gets close to Katie and Brody decides that is not acceptable and off the two of them go. Mind you if you're watching and you say "Brody stop it" he stops, looks around, bends his giraffe like neck to the grass, his little ears all perky, and proceeds to graze as if he is still the most innocent creature at the farm. Rev often looks as if he is asking "What in the hell is wrong with that guy?" Katie is oblivious because there is grass to be eaten. Leo is typically standing at my feet whimpering because darn it the horses are moving faster than a walk and that means he really really wants to run too!
Normally I chastise whomever is being testy, they act innocent and surprised that they are in trouble, we move on. When you are dealing with the many personalities here on the farm it's a guarantee someone is being testy to someone else. The usual suspects over the years have been Charlie, Logan, Katie,Tex, Leo, and most recently Brody has joined the "Who me?!" club. Most of the trouble makers are, and/or have been mine. Most of the trouble makers in that little club think, or thought, they are, or were, pretty darned high in the chain of command / attention.
Today I could barely focus and as a result my giant toddlers all got ushered into their stalls for dinner at 5:30pm because Brody had pissed me off, for the second time, in a short twenty minutes. He didn't do anything that I couldn't have, or haven't, predicted. He sees Rev being here as competition, he's not too pleased with it. He may have arrived low man on the totem pole but if someone else is coming into the picture, well he isn't going to stay low man on the totem pole. He has not kicked Rev, he hasn't even offered a very valid threat of a kick to Rev. He simply tosses his big old head about and prances around like he is king of the horses. He prances toward Rev no doubt however, it is more like a 'You, Move!' or a "You, Stay right there!' kind of thing. So we've been taking it slow. They are out after breakfast in separate, but adjoining, pasture areas so everyone has a chance to graze a bit in peace then we open up the pasture to everyone for a few hours before dinner. That usually includes access to the yards as well, so they can, conceivably, go in and out of both freely.
Today we went from the pasture + front yard for an hour, or so, for everyone to opening up the rest of the yard, which includes the side and top half. There is plenty of yard for everyone. Brody apparently did not agree with Rev venturing off to the side of the house where the Princess was hanging out and decided perhaps he ought to move Rev right to the back of the house (where they are not allowed and is fenced off). Katie just stands there looking at Brody like she knows yard privileges are about ready to be cut off, Leo is whimpering again cause he's not allowed to participate, Brody is looking at the blackberry bushes as if they hold the secrets of the universe and steadfastly ignoring me, and Rev is peeking from around the corner looking at me as if to say "are you flipping kidding me?".
I was in no mood today. I started the day with Leo needing a bath, he has a hot spot, rather what would become a hot spot if I didn't bathe him and apply the medicine this morning and I pretty much knew this. It's not really how I wanted to spend my morning, he always looks like you're killing him when you make him take a bath. He's good but my lord I didn't feel up to a dog driven guilt trip at 9am. I followed that by fielding a good ten calls from the person whom I mothered 9,670 days ago, most of which included me saying no to a request and his replying with various examples of how I was the worst person on the planet. I'd shoveled a lot of shit for the day, figuratively and literally.
And, here was Brody. Trying to, in his horsey way, establish how important he was here at the farm. I just wasn't in the mood today.
I don't think Brody has ever heard my "I'm NOT fucking around anymore" voice until today. Nice to know the voice works with a simple "Move it right now, in your stall!" He high tailed ;-) his butt right up to the barn. Katie, darling that she is, has heard it more than once and followed Brody right up the drive, Leo of course has heard it more than twice and stayed at (or under) my feet! Rev was still apprehensively at the corner watching his nemesis get busted.
Rev walked up to the barn after Brody & Katie and stood right in front of his door waiting while I finished latching Brody's gate. I opened his door and in he went, straight to his hay, just like the other two.
I still wasn't in the mood to talk to any of my children, four legged or not, and was just sort of relieved that they were all secure for the night and perhaps mom could, after almost ten thousand flippin' days, and a lot of shit in the last 2 of them, not worry about it. Wow talk about whiny! It's true though.
I love the horses. I love Leo. I love my son. I love taking care of them, all of them, always have. It is quite literally in my blood to take care. Sometimes though, taking care, means doing things that are not always pleasant for the one in your care. You have to say no sometimes and they don't always like it. Today I was in no mood, I didn't want to have to say no one more time, not today.
In their respective rooms everyone went. Figuratively and literally speaking, after 9,670 days as mom I figure I can make that decision.
The most recent events certainly don't need to be detailed on here, the core issue is the same. How do you function when your child is hell bent on a path that can lead to one, of a few, bad ends. Coping is really all it comes down to because you can't make it not hurt, you can't remove the worry, you can only try to cope.
Today I cleaned up at the Ranch, it's Tuesday, it's my day. You'd be surprised at how it clears your mind; the mindless physical act coupled with the occasional petting of a forehead. There is something soothing about working the muscles I suppose. I know it's soothing to pet the ponies ;-)
I got home pretty early because Cathy helped me clean today. When I got home I decided to let the ponies mix it up. The integration process for Brody is slow going. Brody sees Rev as competition. They do just grand for a bit then Rev gets close to Katie and Brody decides that is not acceptable and off the two of them go. Mind you if you're watching and you say "Brody stop it" he stops, looks around, bends his giraffe like neck to the grass, his little ears all perky, and proceeds to graze as if he is still the most innocent creature at the farm. Rev often looks as if he is asking "What in the hell is wrong with that guy?" Katie is oblivious because there is grass to be eaten. Leo is typically standing at my feet whimpering because darn it the horses are moving faster than a walk and that means he really really wants to run too!
Normally I chastise whomever is being testy, they act innocent and surprised that they are in trouble, we move on. When you are dealing with the many personalities here on the farm it's a guarantee someone is being testy to someone else. The usual suspects over the years have been Charlie, Logan, Katie,Tex, Leo, and most recently Brody has joined the "Who me?!" club. Most of the trouble makers are, and/or have been mine. Most of the trouble makers in that little club think, or thought, they are, or were, pretty darned high in the chain of command / attention.
Today I could barely focus and as a result my giant toddlers all got ushered into their stalls for dinner at 5:30pm because Brody had pissed me off, for the second time, in a short twenty minutes. He didn't do anything that I couldn't have, or haven't, predicted. He sees Rev being here as competition, he's not too pleased with it. He may have arrived low man on the totem pole but if someone else is coming into the picture, well he isn't going to stay low man on the totem pole. He has not kicked Rev, he hasn't even offered a very valid threat of a kick to Rev. He simply tosses his big old head about and prances around like he is king of the horses. He prances toward Rev no doubt however, it is more like a 'You, Move!' or a "You, Stay right there!' kind of thing. So we've been taking it slow. They are out after breakfast in separate, but adjoining, pasture areas so everyone has a chance to graze a bit in peace then we open up the pasture to everyone for a few hours before dinner. That usually includes access to the yards as well, so they can, conceivably, go in and out of both freely.
Today we went from the pasture + front yard for an hour, or so, for everyone to opening up the rest of the yard, which includes the side and top half. There is plenty of yard for everyone. Brody apparently did not agree with Rev venturing off to the side of the house where the Princess was hanging out and decided perhaps he ought to move Rev right to the back of the house (where they are not allowed and is fenced off). Katie just stands there looking at Brody like she knows yard privileges are about ready to be cut off, Leo is whimpering again cause he's not allowed to participate, Brody is looking at the blackberry bushes as if they hold the secrets of the universe and steadfastly ignoring me, and Rev is peeking from around the corner looking at me as if to say "are you flipping kidding me?".
I was in no mood today. I started the day with Leo needing a bath, he has a hot spot, rather what would become a hot spot if I didn't bathe him and apply the medicine this morning and I pretty much knew this. It's not really how I wanted to spend my morning, he always looks like you're killing him when you make him take a bath. He's good but my lord I didn't feel up to a dog driven guilt trip at 9am. I followed that by fielding a good ten calls from the person whom I mothered 9,670 days ago, most of which included me saying no to a request and his replying with various examples of how I was the worst person on the planet. I'd shoveled a lot of shit for the day, figuratively and literally.
And, here was Brody. Trying to, in his horsey way, establish how important he was here at the farm. I just wasn't in the mood today.
I don't think Brody has ever heard my "I'm NOT fucking around anymore" voice until today. Nice to know the voice works with a simple "Move it right now, in your stall!" He high tailed ;-) his butt right up to the barn. Katie, darling that she is, has heard it more than once and followed Brody right up the drive, Leo of course has heard it more than twice and stayed at (or under) my feet! Rev was still apprehensively at the corner watching his nemesis get busted.
Rev walked up to the barn after Brody & Katie and stood right in front of his door waiting while I finished latching Brody's gate. I opened his door and in he went, straight to his hay, just like the other two.
I still wasn't in the mood to talk to any of my children, four legged or not, and was just sort of relieved that they were all secure for the night and perhaps mom could, after almost ten thousand flippin' days, and a lot of shit in the last 2 of them, not worry about it. Wow talk about whiny! It's true though.
I love the horses. I love Leo. I love my son. I love taking care of them, all of them, always have. It is quite literally in my blood to take care. Sometimes though, taking care, means doing things that are not always pleasant for the one in your care. You have to say no sometimes and they don't always like it. Today I was in no mood, I didn't want to have to say no one more time, not today.
In their respective rooms everyone went. Figuratively and literally speaking, after 9,670 days as mom I figure I can make that decision.
0 comments:
Post a Comment