How they saved me, Part One

A friend of mine recently remarked that it wouldn't be a bad thing to hear more about how the horses saved me. I say it frequently but never really explain.

It started about twelve years ago when my son was about 13, was in full swing ten years ago and didn't slow down, much less stop for me until just two years ago; a time period that has it's own story to tell.

My son has always had the uncanny ability to worm his way into most anything he wanted, even if it meant great fabrication. He really ought to channel that better but that's another story. In any case about the time he turned thirteen my son figured out how to work the "system", refusing to read meant books on tape in reading class, coming late repeatedly meant late start days, etc. It grew to unbelievable out of control proportions, ending with a restraining order that lasted two very long years. It quite literally ripped me to pieces; I was so incredibly wrapped up in being his mother that with that spinning out of control I was lost for a long long time. I did what any child of "dysfunction" would do and dove so deep into my job that my life became my work, my work was not my life; my life was work. There is a difference.

I ran on auto-pilot for a good decade.

It was actually moving to this side of the water that started what is more like coming out of a coma then it is saving my life. There was logic there, of course! Had I not worked at Avalara I'd never have moved over here, so thanks for that Avaland. I did however want the peace that I was sure would come from being on this side of the water. I was often in the middle of things, ok that's bullshit, I was smack dab in the middle of my son, his girlfriend, and my grandson. Amber had moved out with my grandson, my son had topped it off by vandalizing the home, tossing wild accusations, and getting arrested with charges that would ultimately result in a two year restraining order issued by the state for my protection. I think that was damned close to as hurt as I've ever been, it was also not long before my move to this side of the water.

I lived off Totten in Poulsbo with my cat for some time, enjoying this new found peace and field mice all at the same time when my Aunt Cheryl was killed. She was my mom's youngest sister. She was to me, well I idolized her. She was to me what I've always hoped to be to my nieces. It shook everyone badly in a multitude of ways when she died. There was also the sting of knowing that once again my son was incarcerated while his family fought a tragedy. There is a unique and unbearably sad feeling that comes with knowing that.

Leo came into my life six months after my Aunt Cheryl passed away. I don't think I loved anything more than I did that puppy.

I left him once to go on a trip to California to see an old high school friend and attend an "Anti-Valentine's Day" party; yep that's where my head was at! Anyway I left him in the care of my older brother because much to my disappointment flying Leo cost an arm and half a leg. I have a picture of my older brother and Leo sleeping on the couch when Leo was just a baby and my older brother was still with us. That was February two years ago. My brother died the next month, in March, alone, scared, and very cold in a river after running to something or from something for nearly his entire life. That picture is by far the best shot I have ever taken with a camera of any kind. My son, still gone, however the restraining order had run it's course by then and I was able to tell him of the news via a collect call. Again, unbelievable feelings surround this kind of a mess.

It all sort of came crashing down on me when my brother died. It felt like years of grief pouring all over the place, my dad, my aunt, my brother, and all those years of grieving a son that I never quite knew would make it back. Hell I even stopped giving a shit about my work right about then. I tried to lose myself there, it's what I do, it didn't work. I still did the work, I simply didn't "care" so much anymore. It all seemed down right stupid in the face of what I was feeling.

Leo, with his constant attention, crazy antics, and unrelenting love let me heal. That's really the bottom line, he sat on my lap and let me cry. He quite literally licked the tears from my face on more than one occasion.

I'm not going to sit here and tell anyone that they "literally" saved my life however without Leo I'd have found something to lose myself in and it probably wouldn't have been all that good for me. Leo gave me purpose I suppose plus caring for him didn't mean losing myself. He just let me love him and in that I started beginning to heal.

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