How they saved me, The Conclusion

I came to live at the farm two years ago this Sept, six months after my brother died, and quite by accident. We were talking at work and a friend mentioned the farm house, we were prepping for a party hosted by our department actually. I jokingly remarked on how I'd love it, I had never seen it. What the hell would I do with a farm house anyway right?!

Well long story short I did see it, it was available for lease, and I felt strangely at peace when I thought about it. Plus, let us not forget Lexi, Leo's sister that I wanted but could not have if I stayed where I was off Totten. Always an angle (haha) however it sure wasn't horses at that time. Looking back, I had no idea, No Idea, what I was in for.

My younger brother came and looked at the farm with me one day before I moved in and when he walked in he looked right at me and said "yep this fits you". I figured he meant it fit because everything is just a touch out of wack, slightly askew, not quite perfect if you will, here at the farm. Perhaps he didn't mean that at all, maybe he's smarter than I think. I sure didn't think it "fit" me I just thought it was down right cute and whoo hoo there were ponies here BONUS! And it was out of the way, like you get lost coming here at least once, out of the way and quite frankly that appealed to me more than anything else.

I didn't instantly fall in love with the horses, they scared me. I thought my friend (whom owned the horses that lived here) was crazy to go walking around lifting up legs that reached my chest. I was definitely captivated by them but I didn't get really close. A treat now and again, mostly I stared in awe.

I watched my friend around them, I watched the horses when I thought they weren't looking and I studied every single piece of information I could get my little hands on. I really wanted to "know" about them. It's what I do.

P changed it all though. I can even tell you the day it went from, wow aren't they the coolest animal ever, to wow I can't imagine my life without them.

P is the greatest little mare. P could also be described as slightly stand offish I suppose. I've always thought of her as cautious. I've always had a respect for the way she holds herself. She has boundaries and if she doesn't trust you she likely won't come happily to you.

One day I was in the pasture talking to her and trying to pick a bunch of branches out of what I, still today, believe is the prettiest mane ever. I didn't really know if she'd let me and me being me, being unsure and nervous usually meant a physical reaction. "Sure lady stick your fingers in my hair when your knees are knocking together, great flippin' idea". Needless to say it instills zero in the way of confidence from a horses point of view.

The really funny thing is, I was never really afraid of them hurting me. I was convinced in my ignorance of them, I'd somehow hurt/damage them. That belief likely grew out of the residue left over from my sons escapades, after all hadn't I "damaged" him? The answer to that by the way is no I did not, knowing that however and believing that are worlds apart sometimes. I did not believe that two years ago.

That afternoon, picking branches out of P's mane, talking to her to ease the crazy nervous energy that refused to go away, I caught a glimpse of who I was without the residue.

And that's how the ponies saved me, they let me in. They trusted this knock kneed, shaken up mess and let me know that it was ok to love even when I was afraid.

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